Growing pains

I'm talking myself through it.

Daylight savings means not sleeping well anyway, but it added a sense of weirdness to my first half day at my new job. It went fine and I was immediately juggling, which means that I will probably stay very busy and my days will go by fast. I tried very hard last night not to think about work- to establish a habit of leaving it behind. That went fine, of course, until 4 o'clock this morning. The fear of not being qualified paired with the anxiety over my lack of sleep and oh hey, don't forget all the emotional distress of Chris deciding to up and move back to Reno.

I tried to lie still and rest. I took an herbal sleep aid. I changed pillows. I cuddled with Solo. I listened to the radio. I finished my book. I finally went out into the living room hoping to fall asleep in front of the TV. Eventually, 6:15 came and I started crying in the shower.

It's ok. It's ok. You can cry, you're allowed. It's stressful and you're- as Tracy put it- easily derailed. But thankfully, you are quite skilled at tangents and can usually find your way back pretty easily. You answered the questions honestly and they picked you. Besides, you can learn anything. Your biggest problem is usually a lack of self-confidence. And yes, it's scary, but it's also completely expected to feel this way. You already know that staying where it's safe is boring and soul crushing, and taking a leap will have its tradeoffs as well. To stretch is

to lengthen, widen, distend, or enlarge by tension

so it is going to feel uncomfortable. And what you're doing IS brave.

My shower sobs turned into full-on crying that continued through getting dressed. I put on face cream, cried through it, and rubbed it in. I cried and I laughed at myself for crying while I was still crying and cried some more. I laughed because this time, I didn't need my counselor to tell me that this is actually great. I cried and cried and got ready for work. I'm terrified and I'm doing it anyway. Go me.