Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

"What exactly are the issues with Chris needing to be addressed?"

I wish I could tell you, desperate stalker girl sending me messages on Facebook. That's what he told her he was doing with me, and I guess he wasn't offering any other information, so she tried intimidating me. I sent the message to Chris and told him to deal with it and leave me out of it. If I had thought it through first, I would have told her to stop writing in passive voice.

Do I have you all up in arms now? Yeah, me too. This is batshit ridiculous, and I don't mean the other stupid, desperate girl- I mean me. What was I doing with him? Talking about the past, and being sad that it didn't work. My counselor called herself my therapist today, so I guess that's what I should be calling her. She talked to me today about the difference between normal, understandable, unavoidable pain, and prolonged, unnecessary, masochistic pain. Guess which one I'm good at?

It feels like things aren't that much different- we still enjoy each other's company, still feel most at ease together. He's like my second skin. Nothing else feels so much like home. But friendship feels off, and the way I can't help but hope- even knowing that's a bad and unexecutable plan- means that I get hurt. I cannot treat this like a friendship. It's not, of course, and it's even more one-sided than it was when we were together. And now, the girls are out in the open- sending me fucking Facebook messages! More pain, more shitty behavior.

In my heart, I know there's somebody better for me. Mom- read this again before we talk. I know there is someone who will behave much better- whose actions will line up with his words. I'm pissed, though- even though it was his decision to end it, he never will. I'll have to be the one to cut it.

My therapist said we're still in a relationship, and he still comes to me to fill the holes- I'm still one of his girls. Don't worry- that turns my stomach too.

I wish, I wish, I wish...

And.

And changes are happening. My life is taking a new direction, even as I drag my feet. My new job is a dramatic change, and I've got a lot of powerful, positive people around me. How can I help but become one?

I'm trying hard to put this down. I'm trying, I'm trying.