This Upended

I've been feeling very fragile lately, and I'm trying to figure out why. I'm sure it's a good thing in limited doses. I know I feel lonely, which is expected, and surely vulnerability comes with that.

Friendships are deepening, and that feels wonderful, but they all still feel far away. Maybe I'm still recovering from having another half. Ten years is too long to just be a girlfriend.

I'm amazed at a lot of things that went on- a lot of things I endured, things I did, things I wore. The most interesting, sad, and surprising thing I have learned while trying to improve my wardrobe is that I just could not SEE myself. It takes numerous, active attempts to shake off the delusions and see what's really there. Learning what fits, for example. It took multiple shirts for Lena to show me where the sleeves started versus where my shoulders were. I see how it looks on the hanger, not how it looks on me. This reminds me of the mindfulness class, where I learned why I cannot sit still- it is not comfortable to sit still. I suppose I don't like what I see and therefore substitute a nicer image. Interesting how I can torture myself with unpleasant ideas that I can do nothing about, but ignore what I can change.

Lena also taught me that there are great shirts that looks better on somebody else- tell me that advice doesn't have wide applications. She also relayed to me the importance of trying things on, which means I get to practice, and practice, and practice. I can see it better now, and the results are interesting. I consult Tracy for approval many mornings, but more and more days, I feel like I'm finding the style I have always wanted. I am such a late bloomer.

I'm going to re-sign my lease. I took some time to calm down before talking to them, and today I asked my questions politely. I was offered carpet cleaning or minor upgrades, so that's nice. It's either spring or the yearly lease debate that makes me antsy, but I feel ready to change some things up- in my apartment, yes, and everywhere else.