...and it becomes the morning dew

I just finished listening to Maeve Binchy's Circle of Friends. I have been hankering to watch the movie again for a few years now, but it's not streaming or rentable. I thought it would make me sad and it did. I heard it differently this time than I read it many years ago- how those golden boys undo us, huh?

I dreamt of my latest golden boy last night. He showed up without notice and fit right back into my world so easily that I jolted this morning when I realized that he was not here. That he is not going to be here. I didn't know how happy and light I had felt until I was sad again. Ah, yes. That's the familiar place.

It was cold and rainy today and Gus and I didn't get to walk. I worked a lot and tomorrow will be good but tonight I will take a bath and cuddle my littles and allow myself a few minutes to think. I keep distractions going at all times but that's probably why I can't find clarity either. I can't bear it yet. I'll try to let it in for just a few minutes and then turn on the noise again. I'll try again tomorrow and maybe things will start to clear up.

I see this time that Nan did Benny an unintentional favor by doing her dirty, that Jack never loved Benny anyway, and that Bill could probably tell his own love story. Benny finds the good kinds of love in the end. All that's true, but MAN what a hurting.

"We look for love, no time for tears
Wasted water's all that is
And it don't make no flowers grow
Good things might come to those who wait
Not for those who wait too late
We gotta go for all we know"