This is the plan

Dad told me to envision myself where I wanted to be and let the rest go.  So here I am with slightly messy yet still luxurious Pantene hair at my new job where I have obligatory things like a desk and a computer, but I can see outside and I can get up and move around and interact pleasantly with my coworkers who smell nice.  I suspect I can give up any dreams of being an artist, but does it look like that bothers me?  Look at me getting work done!   All productive and happy... this is the plan.

Impatience

I keep trying to think about what I want overall, but all I can come up with is that I like taking classes and writing. Some things are totally right, like my apartment, my peace in my environment, and how well I feel I am taking care of my animals. Some things are lacking, like my proximity to loved ones, my hobbies and social life, my job, and the fact that I am only treading water financially.

I liked having a house and a family and I feel like that is definitely part of what I want overall, but that was a welcome distraction from figuring out whatever else I want to do. I know I don't have to have the end goal determined, just a direction, and I would like to actually go for something before I'm ready to retire.

So I'm over here wandering around, wondering what I want. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting to make up my mind.

I feel completely unsettled.

I would love to get this job I applied for because it would really kick things into gear. I am trying hard to remember that if it doesn't work out, there must be a reason. I don't know why I never got called. I don't understand- I got the tour! I called twice! Don't you have to interview me first before you decide you don't want me? :( That would never happen anyway- if you interviewed me, you'd hire me.

Whatever's next will be fine- could we get on with it, please?

In 2013, Jenny

-Saw the Harlem Globetrotters

-Joined a gym

-Finally toured the Winchester House with Shannon

-Shot bad ceramics in the desert with Shannon and Jenea

-Cheered on the Reno Bighorns

-Saw TMCC’s production of The Who’s Tommy

-Accompanied Riley through Intermediate dog training at Petsmart

-Went to UNR’s Spring Dance Concert

-Froze heinie off at a Nevada Storm game (the local women’s football team)

-Toured the Jelly Belly factory with Tracy

-(We also checked out the Donner Memorial and a painting that may or may not be a Van Gogh)

-Went hiking with strangers

-Proudly watched Riley graduate from Advanced dog training and earn her Canine Good Citizen certificate

-Drank beer with Dad at the BBQ, Brews, and Blues Festival and saw “Blood, Sweat, and Tears,” which may or may not have had no original members left

-Graduated from an 8-month Apprentice class at the VA hospital and made a great presentation in front of the hospital bigwigs

-Inhaled propane fumes at the Compression Art and Fire Festival with friends from the Apprentice class

-Celebrated 35th birthday riding roller coasters with Dad at Legoland and the Mission Beach boardwalk, did not throw up

-Took some awesome pictures at the Great Reno Balloon Race

-Joined Elaine and Ant for the Carson City Ghost Walk

-Won free tickets to see the Yuval Ron Ensemble at UNR, beautiful music

-Attended a free self-awareness/defense/fear-mongering class at Cabela’s

-Took Ant to the Outhouse Races in Virginia City

-Took advantage of paid training conducted at the VA hospital such as Emotional Intelligence and Neurofed: Your Brain on Leadership

-Got two massages

-Took two crochet classes, met a new friend

-Won the Reno News & Review’s 2013 95 Word Fiction Contest!!!!

-Attended UNR’s Fall Dance Festival

-Went to a free salsa dancing class with a friend

-Saw a Toulouse-Lautrec exhibit at the Nevada Museum of Art

-Read 25 books

-Wandered through the National Automobile Museum with Dad

Photo by Eric Marks

Catching up

I thought I was going to write this last night, but my friend invited me to her house for a small gathering.  That sounded like a lot more fun than crying on the kitchen floor, which is what I did last New Year's.  It was, and I'm glad I went.  I had a lot of fun and laughed a lot with friends.  I put in a little effort on my outfit and Tracy helped me figure out shoes.  This is one of my favorite shirts I never wear along with one of Dad's awesome Christmas presents.

So I have a few wrap up things to share before we move on to 2014.  For one, here's the completed Vincent Van Goddammit:

It really is lovely, and I thought for the first time ever about gluing a puzzle.

Also to wrap up is Christmas.  Last Wednesday was a quiet but nice day.  Dad came to visit last weekend and we did a little Christmas then.  We walked Riley, did laundry, ate yummy food, talked, listened to music... oh, and ransacked Chris's apartment looking for things to sell.

Chris offered me this opportunity, as he was only taking what he could fit in his car.  I have sold a few things- keep your fingers crossed that I can sell the rest, since there isn't a lot and I need all the help I can get.

So today I am just hanging out, cleaning up.  My building's dryer is busted, so I'm going to be at the Laundromat soon- just wondering if that will be before or after my movie nap.  Solo is curled up on my lap between me and the laptop and I have a couple more blogs to post.

Tuck in time

Well I finally called Topaz to wish them a Merry Christmas, even though I knew they would not be merry. I have never heard Mike sound so sad.

I have thoughts derailing all over the place.

I don't know how a person can leave such a sad mess in their wake.

I think about what I want in a guy, and I think someone who picks up after themselves means so much more than what I thought it did.

There will be something to be grateful for in this... later on.

I can't explain why I'm so messed up over this- I don't know that I really understand it. You all seem to understand it better than I do, and the space you're allowing me for hurt really awes me.

It was not a bad day- really. I did what I wanted: I slept in, I took Riley for a long walk, I worked on a puzzle, I ate yummy food, I took a movie nap. I got some awesome gifts, and talked to my family. Dad will be here on Friday, and we're going to have another mini Christmas then.

One day of work before a long weekend. Chin up, buckle down.

Next

But I just finished reading the last of my 25 books for 2013, here in the Target parking lot. It was a great book that I burned through in what must be 3 days. It was a nice note to end on, and horribly relevant, which is always good. I knew before I started reading it that I would love this book even if I didn't like the ending.

I feel like I need a nap, but I'm in greater need a car wash, so off I go.

Keep going

It'll pass and I think I'm OK now. I'll feel optimistic and happy, full of energy, charging on ahead. But then there's a sudden, crippling sadness and I feel so alone, like I'll be alone forever.

When that happens, I try to remind myself that it's temporary- even if it doesn't feel that way. I try to think of things to look forward to. I try to enjoy simple pleasures. I find distractions. Tears still come, and I let them, but then they go, and I think this is what my life looks like right now.