Fantastic Day for a Beating

Ok, so took a small boat ride with Amanda and one of the lunch couples through Emerald Bay, and that was a glorious ride. Patti turned on some of her favorite songs, we all kicked back, and looked at the beautiful scenery from the new perspective of the water. The sun was out, there were nice, big, puffy clouds, the green and brown of the trees, gray rocks, the blues and greens of the clear, cool water, some silly, some awesome music, surrounded by seriously wonderful people. All I could do was look and smile and sigh.

After we dropped off our passengers at Camp Richardson, we started across the lake. The water was getting rough, and Jon stopped about halfway there along the shore and said if we were going to get dragged on the raft, this was the place.

See me stretching out my wings, trying to figure out how I was going to stay on? Can you hear me making high pitched EEEEEE noises?

I am amazed I didn't fall off. If they had kept it up for much longer, I would have. It was rough out there. Sparky said he was pretty sure he spent more time hovering above the raft than actually on it. If that's the case, then I must have only touched the raft when I smacked into it. We were BEAT UP. I woke up Sunday from some horrendous knee pain- had to ice it for hours before I could move.

Patti said she knew I'd had enough when I stopped laughing. The whole time my head is down, I'm telling Sparky, "I'm going!"

As we were towed in, I slipped off the raft to pee in the lake. The water wasn't freezing, but cold enough that I had to take a minute to breathe normally, let alone pee. Once that was taken care of, I bobbed around in my life jacket for a little while, enjoying the water. I had never- in the entire ten years I have lived here- swam in Lake Tahoe before. I always heard about how cold it was and had no interest, but now I would not only do it again- I can't wait. It felt SO good.

Smorgasblog

I have to hold Riley's bowl when she eats. The water bowl is pulled away from the wall. Our trips outside are pretty much just potties. If her hearing was getting bad before, it's all kinds of messed up now with the cone. I'm going to put clean sheets over the dog beds because I'm paranoid about her Frankendog wound getting infected.

By the time the cone comes off, the poor dog's going to have a food colored circle around her head.


Ok, you've been so well-behaved.

Random picture of Mini being allowed to sit out on the porch because it's cool enough to keep the door open.


So on Saturday, Sparky and I joined my coworkers at Lake Tahoe for a beautiful day of fun.

 

That's me, Amanda, and Patti...

 



...and Sparky and I at lunch. Also in attendance were Patti's husband, two of our multi-day volunteers and their wives, plus our other work study, Alonso. It was a beautiful, crowded day at Tahoe. We rode across the lake on Patti and Jon's boat with them and Alonso, 3/5 of us drank tequila, we watched Alonso and Jon wakeboard, then met up with everyone else over at Camp Richardson for lunch.

Don't want to go

I would rather just sit with her today.

The Cut

Sorry, Mom.

 

 

I cried when I saw it- I wasn't expecting there to be this big of a hole. The spot that was removed was less than an inch big, so I expected a couple stitches and a bandage. I was not prepared for this.

The lady who brought her out to me and my neighbor (who works there) were great- they were very comforting to me and assured me that Riley is going to be just fine (as they handed me Kleenex.) Debbie, my neighbor, walked us out to my car and made sure Riley got in ok. She gave me her cell number and encouraged me to call with any questions and asked me to text her to say how Riley was doing.

At home, Riley drank a LOT of water and I fed her some peanut butter, then went off to Petsmart to buy her a donut to replace her cone. I went to talk to Deena, my trainer, who was also phenomenally supportive and gave me her number in case I needed emotional support. She expressed concern about switching to the donut, though, and pulled it open so I could see how big it would be inflated. She felt like Riley would be able to reach over the donut to lick her hip (Can you imagine being that flexible?), as Riley is a kind of a long dog. Riley is often between sizes on these kinds of things, so maybe it would work for other dogs. What I LOVED about today was that both the folks at the animal hospital and my trainer know my dog and me. Debbie didn't know Riley was going in today- she just saw Riley in one of the rooms and went to say hi to her. Debbie checked in on her throughout the day, giving her love from a familiar face/scent.

Deena knew what size donut would fit my dog and why it wouldn't work on her. She suggested that I stick with the cone and assured me that Riley would learn to stop banging into things. She also told me that it was good Jasmine isn't here, because other dogs tend to lick wounds, which can create infection and then Riley and I would have to deal with draining the wound. I cried again after leaving Petsmart, thinking about these people I have met on my own who are so kind and supportive to me and my little girl.

Riley is resting now. She had a nice dinner with some meaty gravy concoction, we're going to take a small potty walk outside, then bed. We're both exhausted.

Riley Update

I just got a call from the vet- Riley is doing well. They took off the lump on her hip as well as the one on her front leg. They also scraped her teeth while she was sedated and said she was a perfect angel- didn't try to bite anyone, just sat still and let them work on her. They said she was the sweetest dog they worked with today.

Psychic Friends

Am I psychic?

Ant messaged me to say he received the book I sent him. I told him I heard he was moving back up here and he said he's bringing his tortoise and Dalmatian Pit. I dreamed Chris had Jasmine and another dog.

But isn't Jasmine Ant's dog? She is going to be a jealous baby. I can't believe some ding-dong let him get another dog. What the Jesus flipping goddammit?

Suddenly, I am glad that I am not going. It felt cruel for Chris to ask me to join him on this trip to get Ant. I love road trips, especially last minute, crazy, imperative ones, and I knew that Chris would make a great road trip companion- he always has, and driving together was always our thing. And look- the opportunity to help Ant. School starts on Monday, so he's got to go now...

I said no, but my mind kept trying to wrangle a way into it, so I called my sponsor. Tracy very gently put the smack down without getting derisive about my feelings about Chris. I am not trying to get back together with him, but we are able to spend time together without any hatred at all, and that just stirs up the residue in the fuel tank, which affects the efficiency of my vehicle. It's nice that we can talk- really nice. It's nice to know there was and will always be love there. But he will be Chris and do Chris things that will baffle and infuriate me. And I will try to fix him. And get sucked into drama and chaos that fill me with anxiety.

So even though I love to help- and especially for those two- I said no. I am suddenly glad that I did. At first, it seemed like more punishment for me- you don't get to go on this crazy, last minute road trip with a great road trip companion and listen to loud, great music, and why not? Because it is not good for your emotional well-being. I felt very pouty. But suddenly I see this message from Ant and the ideal picture in my head about how perfect this trip would be gets smashed into tiny, realistic pieces, and it's not such a pretty picture.

And it's not fair, by the way, that I got dumped and I am also the one who continually has to let go.

That's what caffeine is for.

I woke up at 3am yesterday, too. This is going to get obnoxious quickly.

I can't figure out why I am waking up, but I bet I'll sleep after I finish writing this. It's 4:30, though, so I will not be happy when the alarm goes off.

Of course, most of it probably has to do with Riley.

Riley has an old lady bump on her hip. She's got lots of lumps and bumps, but she hasn't been chewing or scratching this one and it keeps bleeding. I took her in and the vet took some fluid out to check under the microscope. She came back and told me that this thing must come off ASAP, that it is no bueno. The appointment 8/12- I have to drop Riley off in the morning and leave her all day. I am concerned- you know how stressed out she gets- but they assured me that she will be drugged and won't notice.

I am trying not to think too much about this right now. I thought I'd wait to freak out until we get the results back about what stage it is. Of course, panic is leaking in. Yeah, I know, she's almost 14. But I feel like I've never been without her.

She's fine- she doesn't seem to be in any pain. The vet tells me she'll be ok, but...

We're just continuing on- nothing has changed. Riley seems to be in slow decline, but it's nothing awful or unexpected. She limps a little in the morning, her vision and hearing are not so great. I have to be careful, because it is really easy to sneak up on her. She likes to sleep near my bed, and prefers the floor to her many dog beds. She no longer hears me coming, so I have to look for her if I get up in the middle of the night. I also find her curled up right behind my feet if I stay in one place for too long.

So we're ok- we just went for a long, sniffing stroll last night and I can watch her easily without having to police Jasmine. I haven't heard much from Chris, and I think I'll have to take her back sometimes because I worry about her. I think if he gets too used to having her around, he will exercise her less, leave her alone more often... I think a shared situation would be best for her, but we'll see. I am never satisfied.

Last night, I had an awful dream that I went to Chris's house and found it full of people. They didn't care about what they were doing and the house was a disaster. The dishwasher was open, racks full of what were clean dishes now covered in sawdust. I recognized the pattern of dishes- I had been the last one to load the dishwasher. I found Chris downstairs, sitting with Jasmine, a friend, and a Pit Bull puppy. I lost my temper and gave him a yelling lecture, hands on hips and pointed finger. I yelled about the state of a perfectly nice house, the people flowing through, another dog he wasn't going to train, his lack of care for all of the above. I told him this was why we weren't together anymore. At this point, his friend got up off the couch, walked past me on his way upstairs and said, "And he gave you plenty of opportunities to leave."

I kept thinking about that dream today and how much it hurt. I have a terrible problem- I can't stand the thought of him living like that, and I can't fix it. I think he would protest- say that he doesn't live that way, but it's just a matter of perspective. To me, it looks like a scary mess. It doesn't feel that way to him, and maybe he's happier. I hope so. That dream was an accurate representation- not of what it was actually like to live with him, but what it felt like.

And yet... I miss him. He was like part of me. It's hard to write this and anticipate your response to it, to try to explain and justify it to you- make you understand. But I miss him like I would miss my right arm. Like I will miss Riley.


So we're coming up on 6:00 and another work day and my birthday and fall and I am surprised to find that the summer is mostly over and the kids are going back to school. I have been happily distracted since May, and the summer heat hasn't even phased me. It has been a weird summer with lots of storms and muggy weather and I'm just over here chugging along, wondering when I'm going to find time to write. In the middle of the night, apparently. I suspect I'll be able to sleep through tomorrow night now. Now that this is out, I want to sleep for hours and hours, but instead I'll get up and eat and shower and use my extra time to let Riley take her potty time unrushed.

Another relief is that I have music again. I'll spare you the story, but it has taken over a month to resolve my iPod issues. Sparky has been nipping at my heels lately- per my request- to get this done, and after much aggravation, my music is syncing again. When my technology doesn't just work, I go from zero to red zone pretty much immediately, and I hate that I handle it so poorly. It's different at my job, where I have people I can call whose job it is to fix such problems and I don't have to pay for it. This problem was extremely stressful, and causing me unavoidably incensed rage. I could only deal with it in tiny chunks, and vented a lot to Sparky. But last night I found the problem. I felt a tremendous amount of glee that 1) I was right- I DID need a new iPod, but as soon as the Apple store employees saw my laptop, they were convinced that was my problem and became extremely unhelpful. There isn't a thing wrong with my laptop, and I just proved that, snobs. 2) I got further by researching and resolving the problem myself, once I got the new iPod. 3) I didn't let them shake me off- I got comfortable on their uncomfortable stools until closing time and they gave up and replaced my iPod- as they should have done in the first place. 4) I have my music again. I feel such relief and release!

So, not enough sleep and stress and all, but whatever. I'm better now. Thanks for listening.