To do: sleep

I've been up for an hour already. I wonder why I am not sleeping well lately.

Yesterday I took a half hour brisk walk for me and then brought Riley out for a two hour meander. We enjoyed the time outside and mostly just sat in the sunshine. We saw our neighbors on their way to walk the hill with their dogs and I felt sad that Riley is not as interested in such trips anymore. As it was, I carried her the last half block. I'm telling you- I'm going to end up getting a dog stroller no matter how stupid it looks. I'd love to be able to get my exercise walk in with my Riley walk instead of choosing one over the other. Crazy cat lady, crazy dog lady, or just plain crazy lady.

It's too late now to go back to sleep, and later I'm going to pine for my bed.

I have been ignoring the dating website, but I will venture back in. I got word at work on Friday that my move is the 30th, so I'll be leaving my post in Chaos Central for a quiet cubicle in one of the standalone buildings. I'm very sad about leaving my new found family. There's no word on the one I applied for yet, so I'll go pester HR today. I don't know which one to hope for, honestly, but Dad said to just envision the things I want, like working with good folks, a boss that supports me and demands high standards, an environment that encourages creativity and promotion, a situation that fosters healthy decisions... envision these things and let the rest go, as the universe is still sorting things out.

I'm having an easier time with that lately. My to do lists are less insane, or if they are not, I understand that they are only suggestions of what I COULD do. This weekend felt productive and full even though I did not check off my whole list, or even half.

My alarm just went off, so it's time to start my week. Of course, now I feel ready to sleep.

Hope Bloats

I feel entirely shaken.

I turned in my application for a job, and this effort is the equivalent of a half court shot.

I still want the current one too, but I would chuck it in an instant for this one, even though it is full of unknowns. I guess it's a good thing, not like the last time when I would rather stab myself with a tack than remain tied to my cubicle. There are new things hanging on this job, not desperation. If this Hail Mary pass fails, I will keep a job that I like, and it will change drastically anyway. It is a very worthy consolation prize if I cannot reach this crazy brass ring. I gave it a good shot, (to get back to my original metaphor), and I practiced more of what got me through college: imperfection. I know it wasn't perfect, but I prepared as much as possible and took a carefully aimed shot.

For some reason, I thought because I turned it in yesterday, I would sleep well last night. HA! Nope, and I've still got one day left this week to go in and do the best I can to pass on my knowledge in an organized format to prepare my coworkers for my absence, which will happen either way.

You're going to think I'm crazy, but I saw a fortune lying on the ground yesterday evening during Riley's walk. Yes, someone else's fortune from their dinner escaped or discarded. I tried walking past- I did- but the universe commanded me to pick that shit up, so I did.

A pleasant surprise is in store for you soon.

Well, ok! Maybe it's this job, maybe it's not. Maybe it's unrelated, or maybe this sparks some crazy chain of events. I'm trying to think good thoughts overall. I sent my application packet out with a kiss and a prayer, but I know by now that what we want is not always what's right for us.

It is just hard as hell to watch that ball in the air. I can still feel it leaving my fingers.

This game sucks.

For the last three days, I have been sick with food poisoning. I know what it was, and I am doing better, but I am here to complain about one particular aspect of this nightmare. I can deal with the stomach distress and the BRAT diet, I'm ok with the lightheadedness and cabin fever, I'm fine with the simultaneous period cramps, and I can even handle the heartburn or acid reflux or whatever the hell is going on there, but Jesus H. Christ, the blood sugar crashes are killing me.

The worst was the first night, when I was throwing up for hours. That finally stopped at 2, and I spent the next hour and a half sipping juice and emergency soda, just barely keeping myself at 70. I was too nauseated to eat anything, which makes me think about how to prepare for such problems in the future. Sparky brought me Gatorade and applesauce and saltines the next day, thankfully, and I have been maintaining with that.

I have been wobbling downstairs just enough to let the dogs potty. I had Jasmine for the week- Chris just came to pick her up last night. Thank god my neighbors were at work and that dog loves to chase a laser pointer. I can't wait to make it further than the parking lot before having to sit down- I am desperate for a walk. I'm hoping that's today. For right now, though, I'm sucking down the rest of the applesauce and hoping that's enough to keep me afloat, because my stomach rejected the idea of the saltines. I cannot even consider a granola bar. My options are limited. I'm gonna have to make it out tomorrow. I feel like a pioneer in a silly version: Little Apartment on the Prairie, and I need to hitch up the team and get to town, like it's this long, arduous journey.

Applesauce consumed, I now have to sit up for as long as possible to avoid the heartburn. I have been conscious of this for a long time, before I had any problems. It just seemed likely to happen if I was eating in the middle of the night due to crashes, so I would always try to sit up for a while, then prop myself up when back in bed. It occurred to me yesterday that whenever I have the room and the money, I should probably buy a recliner, so I can rest upright.

Yesterday, when I was finally able to get up and dressed and get the dogs downstairs, I made it to the wall by the carports and had to rest. We sat there, all of us enjoying the fresh air, when some guy jumped over the wall behind us. It scared the hell out of me and both dogs, and my blood sugar promptly crashed. Jesus.

These are the things that make diabetes so fun. Sparky did a nice job this year of shooting down my guilty notions that I brought diabetes on myself. The food poisoning, he hangs squarely on me. (I should not have risked that salad- I was a big dummy.) It is interesting, though, to let go of horrible beliefs and find that I'm not bad, I didn't do anything to deserve diabetes, and to recognize that it forces me to pay attention and take care of myself.  Adrenaline and illness and stress all have an immediate effect on my blood sugar, and that doesn't mean I'm weak. It's just a symptom of a disease I'm still learning to accept.

I'm so tired. When my heartburn can stand it, I lie on the floor with my legs on the couch and let my back scream. I am constantly burping or hiccuping, lightheaded, nauseated, low, or conked out. If this doesn't let up, I'm going to have to have somebody drive me to the VA because I am too tired to keep up the vigilance. Maybe they could give me some anti-nausea medicine, something for the heartburn, or just stand watch over my blood sugar and let me get some sweet, sweet sleep.

Cat Entertainment

Her entire purpose for being in the basket is to guard the small piece of dog treat behind the door. The girls are playing the cookie game, and when they come into the room, Mini ducks down out of sight. If they get near the door, Mini pops up and swats them. The dogs make the funniest startled noises, but they are so focused on competing for cookies, they just move on. What a cute little asshole.

Jenny's Pennies

Not a good week for financial news. Macy's apparently never started a fraud report on that jerk's shopping spree, so I got to spend an hour on the phone with them today, plus the time I spent at the register yesterday. Today I got a bill for the loan that was supposedly paid by my credit union. If that's not aggravating enough, I also got a call from some poor Wells Fargo schmuck with what has to be one of the worst jobs ever. He told me I was a VERY valued customer and he could offer me a much better interest rate than the credit union on my loans. Dude, the credit union just gave me not 16.25%, but 16.25% LESS than WF, so go ahead and hang up on me now.

The thing that sucks about this is that it makes you so angry, you just want to shake somebody. If only you could have WF's CEO standing next to you when you make your third attempt with the automated customer service agent. The trouble is, they'd have to give a shit. The only people in your line of fire are the people who are trying to help you more than you realize. They hate the bullshit too.

Today at work, some guy pestered us very politely for use of our phone. It's normally a no, but we occasionally relent for one-time deals. This guy called somebody in Alabama and asked for money for a room. Whoever was on the other line said he could only offer prayers.

Jesus.

Well, now that I have depressed myself...

It's good that I couldn't get through to WF tonight. I'll call them tomorrow and make sure to breathe and be nice and not yell at the automated customer service agent. Maybe they can help me out a little. The Macy's guy did all the work that somebody else didn't, and swears the amount is flagged and I won't get charged for fees or being over my limit. Maybe I'll talk to some WF angel tomorrow and they'll offer me some waived fees. Maybe they'll only offer me prayers. If so, I'll grit my teeth, fork it over, and do my damnedest to swallow any shitty, sarcastic comments about W(t)F.

WHATEVER. I'm so much better off than I could be. I almost danced with delight today when I checked with HR and found I'm almost done with my military buyback. I was prepared to pay it all now and let any overages come back in my check, but now I've got to pay the croupier. But I also got notice that my W2 is waiting, so I'll file that about immediately. Money flows in and money flows out- like water, like air. I'm doing fine.

On a loosely related note, I saw an ad in the canteen today about deals on tires and picked one up. Then I refilled my Diet Cokey cup and went to check out. I told my buddy at the register that I had just spilled soda on my tire flyer and we giggled like 10-year-olds because the day was almost over and we were tired and unexpected rhymes are funny.

New Year's Resolutions

Lena had this great idea to keep people's cups straight. She had Mason jar mugs and Sharpies that must have been paint markers and everyone decorated their own.

Ok, so I haven't thought much about resolutions, but here are some things I plan to do in 2015:

Sign up for some classes. There are some affordable cooking classes coming up, plus I want to do actual self-defense or martial arts. I did pretty well going to yoga before the holidays, and in my defense, who goes to yoga on Christmas Eve? I already have yoga stuff in the car for this upcoming Wednesday, and I am enjoying the classes, so I expect I'll keep going.

Walk 30 minutes a day. This means without Riley: actual charging around enough to get my heart rate up, whether outside or on a treadmill or at work.

Make another stab at 30 books.

Incorporate time limits on useless activities.

Spend better time with Riley.

Write.

There. I think that's manageable. There are others- a whole list, of course, but those are most important to me.

Time to get ready for... well, the new year.

New Year's Eve

Happy New Year!

Went to a gathering at Lena's house, hung out with awesome people, ate yummy food, played games, and celebrated at midnight with a dog passed out in my lap. (That's Lena behind me, probably about to apologize again for Gidget's horrific gas.)

Sparky read an article that said you're supposed to wear yellow underwear on New Year's for luck, or pink for new love. I don't have yellow, but I was happy to wear pink. Too late, I read the article and found out it's supposed to be NEW underwear. I wore the pink yesterday anyway, but I just happened to have a brand new pair of undies- washed, but not yet worn, so that's what I chose as I got ready to go to the party. They're red. Hopefully that means something scandalous.

I am happy to be sitting on the couch in my pj's today, but am some point I will get up and wander through Kohl's for the next several hours. All I hear right now is warm air moving through my apartment and Riley whuffling around for any missed dog food from her treat ball. It's cold outside, but it's nice in here with an egg sammich and orange slices.

I hope you had a good New Year's Eve, and I hope we all have a fantastic year.