Me and my shadow

I took Riley to the vet yesterday, and while I know that she’s old and is falling apart, the news of the latest diagnosis landed like a brick. It is technically possible that it’s just an infection, but they don’t think so. They think it’s a tumor in her jaw. This development came on quickly, and felt especially horrible because I have always been able to judge how she is by her appetite. She can still eat for now, and she still wants all the cookies, but the vet said she’s probably chewing on the other side of her mouth, so I have started putting water into her kibble. She’s back on antibiotics and pain meds, but they said it’s probably just about making her comfortable. The vet said it will be time when the bad days start outnumbering the good days.

I found a scale online that’s very simple with a range of 0-2 on each category, like mobility and interaction, with each rating clearly defined. Can you imagine trying to rate those things from 1-10? You can track each rating in a table with the daily total. There’s room for notes, and the totals give you a clear answer in pretty simple terms, kind of a red light, yellow light, green light with suggestions for how to proceed. The table has the date and rating for each category plus the total, so you can track deterioration.

So I was a minor mess yesterday. It’s amazing how hard it is to keep it together, considering this isn’t really news. Riley has had a long, full, happy life, and that is the goal. I was trying to think about it from a nicer perspective and came up with this: I can make sure her last days are not her worst days. It’s horrifying how many people actually surrender their animals to the shelter because they are old. Now’s the time to spoil her even more than usual, and to make sure that she gets her time outside, sitting in the shade and smelling the air.

But arrgghhhh, it is awful. I got some prices- the euthanasia is totally affordable, and it’s not much more to have the vet come to my place, which is SUCH a relief. The cremation is expensive, but I don’t like the alternatives, and if I get her ashes, I can let her go at Topaz, a.k.a. Dog Heaven. That’s been the plan for years.

The other awful thing about all this is how alone it makes me feel. I keep looking at my phone for someone to call, but this is really nobody’s but mine. It’s not as if I’m alone- I feel a lot of love from a lot of people who are really supportive, but I keep looking to that empty space next to me. I know I can do this alone, and I probably will, and my friends and family will buoy me up when it happens, but it sure does make me feel lonely. Even if there was someone in that space, it’s still going to be awful. I can see spending a few days curled up with Solo, who will also be feeling that loss daily. I printed out months’ worth of those tracking sheets, and noted how optimistic that was. I don’t get to know how long she’ll be around, and she could bounce back and outlive us all. This news yesterday reminded me again how it’s never the problems you expect. I know that, but I just cannot stop anticipating. That’s why we both needs those daily breaks to go sit outside in the sun or the shade and just be there together.

Like a diamond in the sky

Today was a wholly frustrating day. It should have been a lovely and productive day, and I wrestled it back in that direction, but it was definitely not going well. Nothing awful happened, it was just not working. I'm doing a neat editing job, and you would not believe the difficulty I've had in just printing a damn document. I will not get into all the time or programs or logins or blank pages or nonsensical page numbers or computers or emails or devices I have head to deal with, but I may or may not have been the one cussing in FedEx today.

It is possible for me to edit on a computer, and I do often, but this one I needed in my hands. By the time I got it, I was mad and hot and tired and crampy and in serious need of a cookie. Nothing else went that well today either- just a pile of inconveniences, like how the car wash didn't help the view-obstructing water spots on the windshield, or that the postage machine was busted after I finally drove my ass over there, AND Riley definitely has something else going on now, so it's back to the vet tomorrow. It was a full day of frustration.

What's nice, though, is that there are clean sheets on my bed, resting comfortably (just like I will be soon) under my new cotton quilt that Mom and Marty sent for my birthday. I slept under that quilt last night, and it felt so nice- nicer than I could have imagined. I've been all sweaty under my duvet even with the AC on. And no, I cannot sleep without a blanket on- everyone knows that's how the monsters get you.

It was lovely under that quilt, and it's a lovely quilt- a neat pattern and a good color. Solid choice, you two. I slept much better than I have in a long while, and I didn't want to get up this morning. I guess I shouldn't have.

Thank you!

Dead weight loss

I promised myself I would stop and blog the next time I had a thought like, "I will have to remember to blog that," not that I normally use blog as a verb.

I was just out walking Riley, which entails walking to the mailboxes and maybe around one building. Often, while waiting for it to cool down, I wait too long and she can't see me or anything because her vision is terrible.

Jennyway, she was wandering through the grass and I touched my face and felt something odd: my cheekbone. I mean, it's always been there, and I could always feel it- it just felt more present, which I guess it is. I have been playing tennis a lot, which is part of the reason I haven't been here, and I am seeing a difference in my legs. And a few weeks ago I noticed that my tank top fit differently- a way that was unfamiliar but nice.

Which reminds me... I went shirt shopping in a clearance section recently and of the two things that fit best, neither was appealing to me. They made me sad, as did the fitting room's angled mirrors. In a moment of clarity, I put it all on the return rack and went through the store again. I picked out all the fun things and paid no attention to price. I found that a lot of it fit quite well, and I could decide based on what I liked rather than what was ok. I bought two shirts that night that I LOVE, and while they were not clearance priced, they were reasonable. And they were items I could wear right now, not items I could wear once ___________.

Duly noted.

So much so, if fact, that I followed the same rule at another store and found a pair of capri PANTS did you hear that PANTS that look and feel fantastic. I have a 99% denim policy because it's what I feel looks best and they're so damn comfy, but I finally found a pair that do that in cloth. Holy shit, it's only been like 10 years that I've been looking for these.

So I went to the kiosk and ordered another pair. Worth it. Especially since it has been 100 degrees for days.

The Weekend

It's been kind of quiet overall, and I didn't end up going anywhere for the 4th due to some unruly endometriosis and diabetes. I was sad to miss out on tubing the river- haven't done that since 2007. It's alright though, because I was amazingly productive instead. I'm really happy with what I got done, and it was my hope to do that much over these four days off.

I did have some fun- I played tennis, walked with a friend, did yoga with my coworker, and went disc golfing with my neighbor. That was a lot of fun, even if it got super windy almost as soon as we got there. The course is near the softball fields where I played last year, and the course was maintained, but still very desert-y. It was dry and crunchy (it is definitely fire season) and the ground was moving with tiny bugs. I could not tell what they were, and I'm hoping that was normal and we are not having some horrible infestation. That all sounds miserable, but it really wasn't.

My neighbor, Derek, brought an extra disc for me and explained the course. It's basically golf but with much less equipment, and it's easy to play. The wind made it ridiculous, and a lot of sensible throws were thwarted. I started throwing as low as I could, trying to avoid catching the gusts, but it was a lot harder than it sounds. The sixth basket was along the fence and down into a gully, and the fairway was one of the highest, most exposed points on the course, making it a recipe for how to lose a disc. I threw right, knowing the wind would take it left, but the wind was coming up off the whole hill and that frisbee just SAILED... way left and right over the fence and into the tall weeds by the highway. I immediately started walking towards the fence but Derek ran past me and said he'd get it. We found a spot where the fence was pulled up- where countless other disc golfers must have crawled under- and he started searching. The weeds were so high that I couldn't see to help, even being on much higher ground, so I crawled under the fence and went to help. I found it after about 20 minutes. We spent some time brushing off the bugs and the foxtails and resumed. I refused to throw next to the fence again, but he said we'd just say my first shot landed near his. We didn't keep track, but he thought we were pretty evenly matched.

Now that you're wondering, my neighbor is 27, so don't get excited.

We played 9 holes and talked about going back for the games held once a month- you sign up and are randomly matched with another player to play the course in teams of two. It's something like 5 or 10 bucks to play- $1 goes to maintain the course, the winning team gets the rest. Sounds like fun, right?

So yeah, all was not lost this weekend, though it was not as full as I'd hoped. Today is my first regular day off after our switch to the 9 hour schedule and honestly, it doesn't feel like I am at work too long. I like that I can get more done and I'm there anyway- might as well crank it out. So for my first day off, I went to get the pedicure my students bought for me, then got a yummy breakfast at Squeeze In. This was the third pedicure I've had in my life, and I think I need to do that more often. They are foot wizards.

Next up is to collect and organize before I start a slew of errands, including thrift donations, buying dog food, hitting the post office, finding shelf pegs, returns/exchanges, and 2 doctors appointments, all in sandals to show off my beautiful feet.

Later will be tennis in the heat and leftovers from this ready to eat chunk of carnitas I found at Trader Joe's. Awesommmmmmme. I'm hoping to spend some time tonight on a new puzzle, but I'm still organizing the dining room area with it's new cubby format. I'll have the rest of the evenings this week, yeah, but I'm on a roll.

I hope you all had a wonderful 4th. :)

Riley update

Riley is feeling MUCH better. I called the vet on Tuesday morning and left several messages until I got to speak with one Riley saw. They are really good, but super busy. He listened to all my concerns and asked questions- I didn't feel rushed at all. He prescribed another couple medications, and I called back on Thursday with a status report. She seems back to her old self and I am very happy. She does not understand why I keep carrying her up and down the stairs, but the vet said one month, so tough. I put out puppy pads and she finally used them starting Friday, and several times since. I'm sure once she's back on her regular schedule and not on pain pills, we'll both be happy to have her do that outside, but I'll keep one out in case.

Looking at her now, I see why the vet wasn't talking about putting her down. She's ok- just old. A friend told me about a scale that exists to measure a dog's quality of life- you rate things like appetite and energy level and so on and put the number on the calendar so you have a measurable way to see trends. She said her vet told her you'd rather be a week too early than a minute too late. That is a scary, scary thought. Sunday through Tuesday were awful days, and several times I thought about calling someone to help me, especially when I had to do something that hurt her. I would have had help in a minute had I asked, but each time, I just closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I'd ask if it was for her or for me, and then I'd let that breath out and proceed. Thanks to the mindfulness class and Kate's reminders, I worked hard to try to stay present and minimize the hurt- to think about my state of mind and what I was projecting to her. And we got through it. Kate said she thought this was good preparation for what is to come, and I do feel a little more confident. I know where my line is, I know what's too much for her, and nobody is going to be able to make that call but me. Now I know that I can, and I have an idea of how hard that will be.

This kind of thing always happens at 2am

Now it's 2:45 am and I'm holding a bowl of chicken and rice at an angle. Riley is happily nosing through the rice for the chicken bits. She's been whining on and off through the night but I woke up at 2 to her panting. Google said call the vet, so I called Reno's godsend, Animal Emergency Center, and asked if Riley could have another pain pill. Nik strongly recommended pill pockets last night, and I am singing her praises. Who knew I would desperately need them 6 hours later. I got Riley up and got the pain pill down, and she limped to the other side of my room, sat down, and smelled the air, so I brought her the other half of the pill pocket. She ate it right up, interested and whuffling at every piece I held out, so I went and grabbed a chicken and rice container, threw it into a bowl and warmed it up. She ate most of the chicken bits with gusto and then stopped a couple times, looking at me with the expression that said the medicine just hit. She quieted down and is now lying with her head on my socks. I thought a headrest might help her get up easier.

I knew this first day or two would be the worst, the absolute worst, and so far it is awful. It was suggested to me that I take Tylenol PM because I would likely be both sore and restless, and I do think that was sound advice. I just didn't feel last night that she was entirely good, and wanted to keep an ear out. It made for a shitty 4 hours, but I'm glad I heard it when the panting started.

I'll call the vet in the morning and see if we can't increase the dosage to keep her comfortable. If this kind of pain continues, and she doesn't improve, of course we can't keep going. I wonder if my Facebook post will prove to be ill timing- if we don't have that long at all. I feel like I can anticipate some people's reactions, like they're already judging and feeling like it's already been over and they know what I should do.

In those moments, I think about mindfulness and noticing what thoughts are occurring. I think about what Kate said about being present in the moment. I am asking myself to stay with what's happening no matter how upsetting or uncomfortable- not thinking about the past or anticipating the future- and to be open to the signs she sends to let me know when she is ok or not. So far, my rule in this is not in pain. If that means rest and meds and a happy dog, ok. If it means the end, I will be ok.

Send good juju

I'm lying on the floor next to my dog rubbing her head. I am having to use the voice command so please forgive the mistakes. I spent 2 hours at the vet today curled around Riley. She was lying on one of my towels wrapped up in it on the table. They assured me right in when I came in with her wrapped in my towel. It took the towel to be able to pick her up because she hurt so bad she was trying to well trying not to bite me. At the vet the vet tech game to check her vital signs and see how much of an emergency it was because the vet was in surgery. I had to lay Riley on the table so the vet tech could check her out and I did not want to move her again so I spent 2 hours petting her and talking to her while we waited. The table is metal and I was glad I wasn't able to find the beach towel and instead grabbed one of the thick extra large bathroom towels because half of it kept her body insulated from the cold table and the other kept out the cold air and dried my tears. When the vet came in and checked her out I told him all about the diarrhea the chicken and rice the vet visit on Saturday the antibiotics and her growl cries all day Sunday. I told him about her back legs giving out and how stiff she was walking how her back was hunched. I told him it was extremely unlike her to lie on the table any table but especially at the vet. He asked to see her walk and told me he thought it was either a bulged disc or perhaps cancer. He kept her for tests and I went back to work. I picked her up this evening and found out it is compressed vertebrae. There are two spots where there should be space. I have no idea what could have caused this recently and he said there's no telling. If I think of all her acrobatics through the years I can easily think of many potential causes but I do not know what could have triggered it and I certainly saw no injuries at the time. Now in addition to antibiotics she is on steroids and pain medicine. He does not think this is the end for her. He says she'll be fine once the swelling goes down. Because of her age she is not a candidate for surgery of course but he says medication in this case usually works quite well. He gave me instructions for the medication and vet she has to have restricted movement for a month. No running no jumping no playing all of which is no problem but also no stairs which means I will be her elevator. He told me they had given her an injection of pain medicine and that it would wear off in 3 to 4 hours. It has worn off. I gave her the other medications hours ago because I did not want her to run out of pain medicine but she hurts. I am to call the vet on Wednesday with an update and I'm glad he told me the medication will wear off because she was lying on the floor whining. Eventually she got up and stiffly paced the apartment wandering back and forth. She settled down in my room in her usual sleeping corner but kept crying softly so here I am an hour past my bedtime emotionally drained and sore and tired but she has quieted down. I will go to bed soon and sleep but I will get up and come lie down next to her again if she asks me to. The next couple days will be hard. I think she got moved around a lot today and it's going to take some time for the medicine to kick in. If the vet had suggested putting her down today I would have done it. He did not though he knew her age and mentioned it often instead told me she would be back to her regular old self as soon as the swelling went down so I am trusting him. Please send warm comforting thoughts to her as she heals.