Class

I'm in this two day class and it's interesting and I'm learning. Mom, you will be pleased to know that we watched a Brene Brown TED talk. I had seen that one before, and it smacked me around again. I also called myself out on two behaviors that are not awesome (I'm trying to give you the highlights here) and tomorrow I have to tell a story. I am having trouble deciding. Nothing feels like a story. I have these silly anecdotes, but they're short, and nothing is coming to mind other than this amazing experience I had when coming out of anesthesia after surgery. I don't know if that one is fully formed, though, so I'm trying to come up with other ideas and they all just feel irrelevant or lame. And let me clarify that irrelevance is irrelevant here- the story can be anything, and it can be shallow or middle ground, but it cannot be deep, deep dark down because this is not a therapy session and you don't want to scare anyone off.

The few stories I heard today were not stories like I think of them, so I feel like I have to tell some great, crafted, rounded story that includes my lesson, tears, and laughter. I think I have my answer. I am going to read some blogs and maybe that will jog something.

Above is one of the many quotes today, but I really loved this one, and feel like I should staple it all over my furniture and my forehead.

Drafty draft

My other damn pictures aren't coming up. Garrrgghh.

I am currently aggravated because I had a great time at tennis, but now that I'm home, there are about eight things I want to do and I can't really do any of them because it's time to get ready for bed. 

I know how to fix this- it requires doing all my nighttime chores when I get home from work, but I never end up doing things that way. So as usual, it's Thursday night and things are overwhelming and I may end up doing fun things all weekend, which is what you're supposed to do, right?

Yes, yes, thank you, Gordon. I have got to take care of those things when I get home regardless of tennis or plans or whatever so that I don't end up with a mess by Thursday and stressed that I'm going to have to spend my whole weekend cleaning not like I'm gonna really do that anyway.

If I do that, I might have the room to write when the urge strikes, and getting in two hours and going to bed a little late might be worth it.

I'd much rather go do fun things on the weekend and work on puzzles in between. Of course, I will be on this one for the next four months, I think.

Short and unedited is still done.

I had to do Education's part of the new employee orientation today. It was still a mess, but it felt much better than the first time I did it as a shared presentation, which was a hot mess. This time I got people laughing a little more, and I realized it had more to do with being at the end of a long, droning day than my teaching skills.

I have to find some new tennis pants because it's getting too cold for capris. I only have one long pair and they're yoga pants AND THEY'RE FALLING DOWN. Yeah, that's right.

I ran off at the end of tennis after a stray dog. I know I saw her earlier but she'd lost her boy. I tried and got close- she'd even brush up against me, but I was not her person, so she wouldn't let me put the leash on, which I keep in my car, not that that should surprise you. My coach waited for me very patiently- unwilling to leave me alone in the darkened park, but eventually the skittish little girl ran off into the neighborhood and I could not find her and there wasn't enough light to try. I called animal control and felt like shit the whole way home, worried about her. I have to console myself that I tried, and being an escapee does not necessarily mean doom for a dog. I am keeping m fingers crossed and I hope she finds her people.

On a positive bleeding heart note, I rescued many earthworms from the driveway over the weekend as well as a spider from the tennis court. My fellow students were like oh how sad, he's going to get trampled la di dah let's go play now while I went to find something to move him with. I relocated him to the grass and hopefully he found a nice home and is more of a spectator these days.

I got the nicest email today from one of my students. Not much makes me cry

No, that's not true. I cry about a lot of things.

I don't usually cry over people expressing gratitude to me. I love those students so much.

Sleep really well. You need some rest.

Gold Star

Gold star alert!

I tried to set up the sensor today. I got derailed because the receiver thing is dead, but I pulled all the supplies out and was ready to make an attempt. I was hoping to get this done before tennis tonight, but oh well. It may rain anyway. The important thing is the process has begun and I'm moving forward! Go Jenny!

Finding a home for Riley

I think about getting a dog- Lena's Bill made the point that she could easily make that happen- but I think now might not be the best time. I see people walking their dogs and I think I could easily change my life if a dog showed up, but for now I am playing tennis three times a week, I'm going out a lot, and I may join a pool players league. I had Riley through some very unsettled times, and I'd like to do it better. Of course, I could meet a dog and change my mind immediately.

It feels so quiet at home, but it's also nice to shake the routines up- I do not have to go home right away, I do not have to put on shoes and a coat last thing at night, and finding these things that felt automatic and are no longer necessary  remind me that they are not just obligations- there are values in them, and a choice.

Most of the time I feel like everyday Jenny, and sometimes I am blown over with sadness. I am not sad for Riley- she had a full, interesting life and it ended so beautifully, and I constantly think about how lucky we were to have that. I am sad for me, and I feel appropriately ungrounded, having lost my shadow.

I keep thinking of these memories and think I need to write them down or I might forget them. Riley was not an obsessive licker, but your hand might get a couple kisses when saying hello. When I went to do laundry downstairs, she would wander out on the grass while I kept an eye out, poop bag at the ready. My neighbors knew if she was out, I was nearby, but they always made sure.

My favorite thing- what warmed my heart every time it happened and every time I think of it- is that when she rode on my lap in the car (and she was always so well-behaved), she liked to rest her head on my driving arm. I always loved that, and hoped for straight stretches so she would stay longer, but it would only be for a few seconds at most before she'd lift her head up and look somewhere else. I treasured those seconds every time and tried to feel everything to absorb it and remember it and it worked, because now when I think about her, that's where she is.

When I said to Lena and friends that I had yet to pick out my own dog, they thought maybe I should continue in that tradition. I have no doubt that if I take too long, the universe will hand me one. For now though, I will just miss my girl.

Missing Riley

I've been changing things slowly as they come up: taking the dog food to work to leave on the free table, rearranging, picking up dog beds... I gave Ant a couple of her beds, but not her favorite one. Jasmine's bowl is washed and put away, and I gave Ant toys and bones and a brush. I feel fine through most of it, maybe a little sad, but I just pulled down the mortar and pestle Sean got for me so I could crush her glucosamine pill into powder and I cried my eyeballs out.

I think she was ready to go, I really do. I think about how she would stretch in her downward dog and just plop her butt down because she couldn't get back up from it that way- she'd have to lie down first. I think about the bloody drool and how she started declining hard treats. I think about her terrible vision and hearing and how through all of that, she was this sweet, happy girl and she didn't care what was going on as long as she was near me.

That last time I woke her up was after the vet had arrived and explained everything. Dad and I had just spent an hour at least outside with her in the shade and it was so quiet and lovely and cool and she just wanted to nap, right there outside. When we brought her in, she went straight to our room and curled up. When I woke her, she was a little testy, like "Would you please let me sleep?" Yes, baby. I apologized for waking her and apologized again for picking her up, promising it was the last time. She did not protest, as she'd gotten very used to the one thing she hated more than anything.

She was ready to go, and I am so fortunate to have been able to let her go at home, pain and panic free, napping in my lap with my arms around her- the safest place in her whole world.

I knew I wouldn't be able to move to a new home until after she was gone, because she wouldn't know her way around. I knew I couldn't move the furniture around or leave things on the floor. I knew I had to watch her pain and mobility and measure her food. I was her eyes on our short, slow walks and I knew which curbs she could manage.

Now Mini and I cry to each other and come running. We nuzzle and hold onto each other. She sleeps at the foot of my bed, and when I wake up at night, she crackles the barest noise to me and I feel the slight weight of her tiny paws. She noses at the covers and I lift them up as she burrows in beside me. She is not comfortable until her face is buried in my hand and I coo to her as she brushes me with her tail.

She is old too- 11- but she is a very small cat and her age is a quieter management than Riley's. I joke that I can make people in my neighborhood REALLY think I'm crazy- first, the dog stroller, next, walking my cat! Perhaps you remember my earlier attempts, but now that she is lonely and does not have a blind dog to harass or try to cuddle with, I feel like I should make her world more entertaining. I found some toy mice she adores and I marinate them in catnip, but it's usually too hot, too cold, or too mosquito-y to leave the balcony open, so maybe we ought to start venturing out. That's probably good for both of us.

Feeling Empty

Chris picked Jasmine up on Thursday, and I'm having the hardest time with the thought that I could stay inside for the rest of the night- no dog walk, no potties before bed. I have picked up some of her things, but it's a slow process. I just picked up her water bowl today. I am thinking about rearranging some things (Shocking, I know.) to better utilize the space- the same shit I am always trying to do, but there's this extra amount floor space, and I just suddenly feel so sad.

There's this neighbor who can't talk to me without mentioning how many shelter dogs need homes, and it makes me wants to club his kneecaps. It's not as if I am whining to him about missing Riley- he just keeps doing that, even though I keep telling him I am well aware. Somebody was bound to be the get-a-new-dog-immediately pest, so it might as well be someone I don't really know or care about. I don't feel ready to get another dog- I can't even consider it at the moment- but I will surely keep an eye out for any messages the universe sends me about it. I don't think anybody's really questioning whether or not I will have another dog.

When I look around, I see a messy place and I have been feeling so overwhelmed with everything and I'm playing tennis 3 times a week and hanging out with friends and I think maybe things need to settle a bit anyway.