I'll only sleep with a tranquilizer dart.

Quickly, because it’s late and I have to get up early tomorrow:

I start work tomorrow!

I have all my little ducks in a row.  I have pants to wear, all my forms ready, apple juice and granola bars to stock in a drawer in my cubby…

I ran last minute errands all day and that kept me pretty occupied.  When I left the last place, the butterflies began.

“I’m nervous,” I told Ant.

“Jenny,” he said, “Don’t worry.  Just go in there and do what they tell you.”

After a few moments of thought, he added:

“And the next day, do what they taught you the first day without being asked.”

I think he’s onto something…

At least it wasn't a fork in the eye.

I didn't put this on Facebook because I thought someone might react to it poorly, so instead I'll put it on my totally public blog!

The caption is: "Why does game night always end this way?"

Which I think is terribly funny, but my suspicion is that somebody (who doesn't have boys) will think that we're beating Ant.  My friend recently posted this definition:

Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it.

Yes, yes, yes.  But there's more to it.  They disappear with your stuff and leave their dirty dishes and trash around like someone's going to come along behind them and clean up.  I am currently waiting for my lemon bread to bake and guess what?  I could not find two of my measuring spoons.  There was not a tablespoon to be found.  Who took them?  Where are they?  What could they have been used for?  But most importantly- am I going to want them back?

Louis C.K. says that boys cause damage that can be measured in financial terms, like tornadoes.  I can agree with that.  He says girls cause psychological damage, which I can also agree with.  Have any of you ever watched the Bad Girls Club?  It is the worst sociology experiment I have ever seen.  It is my own personal nightmare.  It's like Lord of the Flies... with girls.  When my stuff goes missing I try to remind myself that it could be so much worse, and that I will always have an excuse to find a great deal on measuring spoons at Ross.

But back to the picture.

This could easily be any night in our house.  This is what they do.  Tonight they stabbed each other with forks at the dinner table.  I'm so glad we have a kitchen table now so that we are centrally located near the phone, the first aid book, and the band aids.  This incident was during The Game of Life.  Chris was a single dad working as a hairstylist, and Ant was a childless doctor who kept winning lawsuits and owned a Tudor mansion.  We kept giggling at how Chris's path aligned with real life and Chris shot Ant with a rubber band in retaliation.  Ant got hit straight in the eyeball and hit the tile floor screaming, convinced that he was permanently blinded.  Chris scooped him off the floor, cooing apologies and checking out his eye, then let Ant smack him repeatedly with a slotted wooden spoon and a maniacal grin to even things up.

"AAAGGHH!" screamed Chris.  "Okay, that's enough.  AAAIIIIGGGHHH!  AAAGIGIIIIIIGHHHH!  Okay, STOP!"

Ant got the peas or lima beans or whatever the hell we keep in the freezer for such occasions, and we finished the game.  By the time everyone reached the end, Chris had already wandered off to play bass.  Ant's eye is fine, but do not fail to notice the look on his face.  That is a carefully crafted expression made specifically for the camera.  He was already over it and giggling at the game again.

Boys might cause damage, but they sure are entertaining.

A Clumsy Couple

So, this morning I walked into the bathroom as Chris was getting out of the shower.  But to be fair, I didn’t walk in.  I barged in.  I was moving too fast and I guess I surprised him, because I knocked him off balance and into the wall.  There’s a corner there, and the timing was just perfect.  He scraped his shoulder on the towel rod and stubbed his little toe on the corner.  He yelled and fell towards the counter, trying to get the weight off his foot.  His hands went down on the counter and smushed my glasses.   There was yelling and ruckus and accusations of being an elephant, but we giggled and made sad noises for my glasses, his shoulder, and his poor little toe.

I just got off the phone with the authorization lady at the eye clinic.  You’re generally not welcome at the eye clinic without an invitation, but there are some exceptions.  So tomorrow I can go in and see what’s next.  Ha ha, see what’s next.  That’s not nearly as funny as this morning when Chris called me an elephant and then added that I probably ran over him because I wasn’t wearing my glasses and couldn’t see him.

But I’m proud to announce that I’m not the only clumsy idiot in the house.  Chris is setting up to do sound for a TV show at his old venue, Studio on 4^th.  His control room is the old walk-in fridge and it smells pretty rank in there, so today he brought in some incense.  Incense is not going to help, but Chris firmly believes in Nag Champa.  He’s always finding stupid little crevices to anchor incense sticks in and today he might have learned his lesson.  He was putting things back into the fridge (Don’t worry, it doesn’t work.) and forgot where he’d stuck the incense.  He backed into it.  I heard him swear behind the big, heavy door like this:

“OW!  Shit!  OW OW SHIT!”

It burned the back of his neck.  Ow shit is right.  I shook my head at the fact that he was burning incense again and said that he should not leave it burning in there.

“It’s out,” he said.

Yes, because he put it out with his neck.  We make quite a team, don’t we?

Overdue

***

Important Too Long Neglected Thank You Card:

Dear Tracy,

Ant, Chris, and I went to Petco last week with your gift card.  We got a new toy for each girl.  Jasmine got a new frisbee since the last one got lost a long time ago.  It is both tough and flexible, which is important because she's a Pit Bull.  Riley got a little stuffed squirrel with a bushy tail.  Ant picked that out carefully, testing all the squeakers and rejecting the ones she would quickly rip apart.  For Solo, we got a new fishing pole.  It has replaceable feathers at the end that can twirl on the attachment, so it really gets her attention.  Ant and I saw that thing on a show you should see at least once: My Cat From Hell on Animal Planet.  This guy is like The Cat Whisperer, only tattooed and much more emotional than Cesar.  All three of us weighed in on all three toys, and when we got in the car, Ant noticed that there was a small opening in the cat toy bag.  "Oh, this is open," he said, and took the cat toy out and started playing with it.  At home, Jasmine folded up the frisbee and carried it around, waiting to see who would take her to the park.  Riley attacked the squirrel and took under the coffee table to kill it slowly.  Ant flung the cat toy around for a half hour until I realized the cat was still in the linen closet and he was playing by himself.  Once she found out about it, she wouldn't leave it alone.  It's sad when we find her playing with it alone, so we play with her a lot more now.

Thanks for thinking of our animals- they would cover you in slobber and cat hair if they knew.

***

Ending on a High Note

I'll tell you about the rest of my day tomorrow, but I wanted to run in here and tell you a couple things now.

I brought Ant with me to meet Jody at the park to exercise the dogs.  Ant was excited to see Kaiden- he loves kids of any age- and wanted to push the stroller until the bumps got annoying.  Hidden Valley is one of our favorite places to go to walk the dogs because we can let them run and there usually aren't too many other dogs to worry about.  Jasmine can be quite obnoxious with other dogs and sometimes it goes too far.  I have been the main provider for the dogs forever- even back when Ant was the pottier.  He'll tell you that he did all the dog walking and that he was totally responsible for the dogs, but his memory is a little biased.  A long time ago, Chris and I broke up the chores and said that Ant would do dog potty walks, I would do long walks, and he would be responsible for their exercise.  This means he would take them out for runs with the bike or run Jasmine at the dog park.  I usually ended up doing the long walks to the dog park and exercising them myself.

The reason I am getting so defensive is because both Ant and Chris think they are dog whisperers.  If I tell Chris that something bad happened with Jasmine, he'll tell me it was the other dog's fault.  It's amazing how he can tell without even being there.  I was at Hidden Valley with Jody one day when some friendly dog came up to say hi and Jasmine ripped a chunk of hair out of him.  The fur actually flew, and that was the last time I left her loose around other dogs.  I wish more than anything that I could let her run free and socialize with all the other loose, happy dogs there.  She's dominant, and an asshole to other dogs.  I know this because it happens over and over again.  So today at the park, when I put the leash back on to keep her away from other dogs and Ant starts telling me what I need to do with her, I'm ready to tell him to take a hike.  Somewhere else, I mean.  I have been practicing being calm with him and not taking the bait, but this was much harder because I was already frustrated.  I can't tell you, Ant, how much I WISH it was that easy.  But I've tried it.  You believe she is an angel princess, and most of the time she is.  But sometimes she is a flaming asshole.

Today was no exception.  It was pretty nice out, and I had to put her on the leash several times and walk her away from many dogs.  I kept her from chomping on them, but she bit a dog anyway.  She bit Jody's dog Snoopy, the alpha of the group.  These four were best friends at the old apartment- they would play together every night.  With the exception of Riley, they all grew up together.  Snoopy has always been the leader.  Today they got in one of their arguments and Snoopy lost.  When Ant was busy telling me I was wrong to restrain Jasmine, Jody told him to look at Snoopy's bleeding nose.  Ant wouldn't acknowledge it.  Later, when we picked Chris up and I told him about the bite, he said, "Jasmine finally shut her up, huh?"  Even if Snoopy picked on Jasmine, which I haven't seen, why would that be an appropriate response?  Sigh.  Maybe I should call Cesar.

But Jennyway, it can be very stressful to go on those walks- or as I like to call them: potential lawsuits.  It is not usually fun to have the mini critic along, either.  We had to run to the science fair and Chris would have to go back to work afterwards, so I was really not looking forward to spending the evening with the child.  Last night was not fun, but I knew we had to get through homework so I put on my happy smiley face and started washing dishes while he did math.  He asked for help and we talked about ratios.  When he was done, I told him we were going to go through math, English, and science, so he needed to be prepared to get through all three with a pleasant attitude.

"I don't know why you had to say that," he said.

Yes, well, moving right along.  We scratch papered through math and I got to review simile, metaphor, and hyperbole.  At last, terms I am familiar with.  After that, we went through the next set of questions on the science study guide and- GASP!  He found a mistake.  After he finished that section, I had him read back through what we did yesterday.  He knew all about fossils and paleontologists and almost remembered what uniformitarianism was.  Uh-huh.  That's right.  I asked him what we would be doing tomorrow.

"These four questions."

"What else?"

"Studying."

Ah ha ha.  Go read your book.

"Can I take a break first?"

Of course.

He went over to the drum set and started banging on the cymbals.

"Jenny, look!  It sounds like a bong!"

"GONG.  It sounds like a GONG."

"Oh."

Oh, indeed.

Reprogramming

thankless job
thankless job
thankless job


he's not supposed to appreciate this yet... if ever...


deep breaths...

Why yes, I am crampy and bloated and exhausted and still remembered to pick up dog food and essentials. Yes, I put groceries away, fed the dogs, washed the dishes and made dinner while reviewing Ant's homework calendar.

Science homework all week is the study guide.  Guess how many days he's studied?  I don't yell at him for not doing his homework, I just ask him to tell me what a fossil is.  He struggles.  I tell him to look it up.  We get into a discussion about dinosaur bones and Jurassic Park's insects in amber.  I show him about Pompeii and we look at pictures and videos of the volcano in Iceland that nobody can pronounce.  (Eyjafjallajokull, really?)  Then I ask him to read me the first question on the study guide.  He waffles on the answer, and has no idea what the vocabulary word even means.  I have him look it up: uniformitarianism.  We go through four questions- a fourth of the study guide.  He pitches a fit because all his original answers were right.  I said that was very good, but the point was to study, not rush through.  He did not agree, and started arguing with me.

Well, that's not true.  He started arguing with me the minute we dropped Chris off at work.  He was in his usual argumentative mood, and cheerfully battled every single thing I said.  It was nonstop through the grocery store and I finally had to nip it when he tried getting personal.  That calmed him down and he behaved much better until science time.

He tried getting really surly with me again, but I did not take the bait.  I reminded him that I did not yell at him for not doing his homework, he got to pick out some ice cream at the store, we had a movie he wanted to see, and he was acting poorly because I was asking him to do what was assigned.  "You need to go take a minute and think about this," I said.

He went into his room and closed the door.  I wondered if he was going to come back at all, but I did not interfere, just went back into the kitchen and waited.  After maybe ten minutes, Ant came back into the kitchen.

"Well, that helped," he said.

He said he played the keyboard for a while and that helped calm him down.  I think that will be a good lesson in taking a time out when you get upset.  I did not get an apology, but he did listen to me.  I explained "study" does not mean "no homework."  I reminded him that he has an opportunity to do his work on his terms, but if he doesn't do it, he's going to do it on our terms.  Then I asked him what a fossil was, and he told me.  Ah-ha.  Then we watched a movie.


Later that night:

"Chris, where is the popcorn?  I can't find it anywhere!"

He looks at me with a no-duh look.  "It's in the freezer!"

I have the no-duh response.  "OH!"  I laugh.


Earlier that day:

"Chris, take a look at this book."

"What am I looking at?"

"Just open it anywhere.  It's full of hints and info."

"Hmmm."


"So, what did you learn?"

"If you store popcorn in the freezer, all the kernels will pop.  And you don't need to defrost it first."

And it worked.

Almost there...

Chris had a gig last night and Ant didn't have anywhere to spend the night, so I got to stay home.  He was bored and the movie he was watching did not occupy him.  He's been doing this thing lately where he sneaks around the house and hides in closets to jump out at us.  Like I said, he's bored.  He got in trouble for taking the laptop and iPod and the ruling from Chris was no electronics for one month.  So last night I started making dinner and saw Ant leapt from my side of the hallway to his with a white cord dangling from his hand.  I asked him what he was doing and he popped out with empty hands and started sneaking down the hall towards me as if he was just playing ninja.

"Did you take something from my room?"

"No."

He went back to his movie and I saw him peek over the couch at me.

"What did you take from my room?"

"Nothing!"

But then he slowly cracked and over the next five minutes I got back the screwdriver, the iPod charger and an iPod.  The only thing I yelled about was asking him if I had to put a lock on my door when I was HOME.  At first I told him to turn off the movie- that he could read or play trumpet.  I texted Chris to let him know and he immediately called.  When he found out it was one that had no internet access, he said Ant probably just wanted to listen to music.

"Oh, he could have that."

Now, wait a minute.  You said no electronics.  That's what Ant and I both understood.  Besides, the problem is not him having this stuff, but just taking whatever he wants without asking, especially when he's not supposed to have it.  Plus, he took the broken iPod from our room and swapped it out with the one he was supposed to keep on the dock to fake us out so he could keep the real one.  He had access to the internet on that, he had music, and he could text his friends, but he didn't like having limited access.  He told me he felt entitled to it.

Just yesterday, Chris and I were talking about Ant's life before he came here.  I thought I understood what he was coming from, but periodically I learn something else that just blows me away.  He tells these stories now about life with his mom and they are just fantastic.  It sounds like they had this wonderful, happy life and it's all about these funny family moments and while some could certainly be true and the lack of care doesn't mean that she doesn't love all her kids, a lot of these stories are just impossible.  But I remember that I told a LOT of lies around this age.  He assumes that we know nothing about his life back then, so it's just a perfect cover.  "When I was with my mom" stories.  He was telling us a couple days ago about how he used to climb the walls.  He'd push himself up against the walls and just hang out near the ceiling and jump down and scare people.  Later, Chris wondered if his uncle had taught him that.  I was incredulous.  Did he remember the condition of the kid who came to live with us?  7, small, guarded, and terrified to climb a tree.  He was not the sturdy kid that he quickly became.  He was neglected and pale, soft and unsure.  He changed so fast, but he'll probably never realize that.  He'll think that he was always that way, like how you forget when you learned something and assumed you've always known it.  And I don't think that's a bad thing.  It's probably the best thing possible for him to project back and see happy times with his mom and his sisters.  It is amazing, though, how the biggest problem in his life now is that he can't have unlimited access to an iPod Touch.  It floors me, and I think about how he really has no idea just how lucky he is.  Of course, he's miserable.  He's got it so hard, and I try to keep it in perspective- not comparing to his old life, but to his peers.  Do they have a drum set in their living room that they can play anytime they want?  Do they jam with their dad?  Do they have a projector in their room?  Is there much that he's wanted that he hasn't gotten?  Nope.

And let me tell you, this has not been fun.  He is so obnoxious right now.  He had a dentist appointment on Thursday.  It was too early in the day to send him to school and would end too late to take him there later, so he got a day off and spent all day with us.  It was maddening, because almost every sentence he spoke started with no.  "No, that's not where we went..." or "No, I don't want to hear that channel..." or "No, that's not true..."  It even gets so silly like "No, the grass is blue."  He is a joy to be around.  Chris encouraged me not to argue, so Thursday was a great day to practice.  Everything that came out of our mouths was argued with, and we just remained silent.  The only way we would respond to protest was to repeat what we'd asked him to do.  It got to the point where we had to laugh or we would have thrown him out the window.  Oh, and he has to go to a specialist that costs at least $100 because he may have an infection in the tooth he broke.  When we were coming back home, Chris got a call to come pick up a sound board.  "Do you want me to take him with me?"  I looked at him in silent gratitude.  But back to last night.

I sat down with Ant and sighed.  "Again," I told him.  "The problem is not with you having these things, but with you taking them.  I can't reward you for taking the iPod by giving it to you.  You're going to have to earn it.  What do you think we should do?"

Ant was all frustrated and started to cry again.  I asked him to tell me whatever was going on.

"I can't!  It will hurt your feelings."

I told him that anything that helped me be a better stepparent would not hurt my feelings.  He told me that when Chris told him that we might break up, he was okay with it.  I asked him why.  He said I treat everything as if it's the end of the world.

"Well, that's fair," I said.  "And that's something I am trying hard to work on.  I'm going to need your help on that, so I'm glad you told me."

Hang on a minute while I collect myself.  I'm collapsing inside now like I couldn't last night.

So then I told him that I'm not really an evil person and that even though it might sometimes seem like my job title is Permanent Stick in the Mud, everything I'm doing is in an effort to make sure he is happy and successful.  On a side note to you guys, I must explain that I look so far into the future that I miss out on the present, which is definitely a problem.  But back to what I said to Ant.  I told him that no matter what ever happened between me and his dad, I would not disappear.  "No matter how much you may want me to."  He giggled at that.

I'm looking through this conversation and realizing that it may be out of order.  I cannot remember, but I hope it doesn't matter.  I'm just going to get it all down and offer a disclaimer.

In that conversation, wherever it came, I realized that my reaction time had been so much better than it used to be.  I did get upset, mostly that my privacy was not respected.  I do not rifle through his room and I did not want to read his private messages on Facebook.  Chris has no problem doing those things and I believe he has that right, but I find privacy valuable and on that one I think the golden rule applies.

So I told him that I was upset that he did not respect my privacy.  I pointed out that I respect his privacy and I expect the same.  I said that I hardly yelled and calmed down pretty fast.  (I realize that the ideal is to not yell at all, but I don't actually know anyone who has their shit together that much.)  So then it occurred to me that he said I treat everything like it's the end of the world and asked him how Daddy would have reacted.

The tears came really hard then.  Ant said Chris would have been really mad, yelled at him, and maybe sent him back to his mom.

What?  Why would you ever think that?  He said that when he first came here, Chris had asked him if he wanted to go back to his mom's, like it was a threat.  I hugged that kid so tight and told him that would never happen, that it would take an army to pull him away from his dad.  I told him he was staying put and that he was safe here.

So here's what sucks.  Why does it feel like Ant has a say in mine and Chris's relationship?  For one, I'd lose simply on the grounds that I am the stepmother and I'm just never going to be as popular as Chris.  Two, my whiny self-pity response is that I never had that option.  I feel like there are legitimate arguments on both sides, which is why stepfamilies are so hard.  But really, no matter how wonderful I am or not, I will always be the evil stepmother.  He thinks Chris would roar at him and send him back to his mom, but I'm the ogre?  I'm the one sitting here holding this kid, telling him that his dad, myself, and about 50 other people would fight to death for him, but he'd be okay with me leaving?  No he wouldn't, but he doesn't recognize that, of course.  He's not a psychologist, nor spent years in counseling wondering why everybody abandons him.  He probably shouldn't have a say in our relationship not only because I would categorically lose, but because his brain is all muddled and not fully formed yet.  He's distracted, he's a ball of emotions, he's self-absorbed, he's cranky... all for very biological reasons.  Most importantly, he's all about the impulses.  He is wired to be impulsive.  Or maybe I should say haywired to be impulsive.  He has enough to worry about just functioning from day to day.

So I am a creep.  I am the asshole who's no fun and poops on everything who's currently not financially contributing much to the household.  I do most of the cooking, though.  Most of the cleaning, most of the laundry, damn near all the dog walking and exercise, grooming, feeding and pottying.  I am the savings maven and the budgeter/bill-payer.  I am usually the disciplinarian, enforcer, and supervisor simply because I am here more often.  For my troubles, I get excluded from the very necessary father and son time and treated like I'm an asshole who interferes with all their fun.  Neither one of them see how good they have it.

Chris and I are dealing with our relationship, trying to reconnect after many years of letting a lot of shit come between us.  There have been so few times in the last 9 years when we were both successful at the same time.  We're so close to that now, and yet it feels like we are also walking a tightrope to get there.  How can we be so close to success and failure at the same time?  If I were to make the unfair analogy of Ant being between us, it would be easy to imagine being able to see over him and keep a connection and picture him growing into a teenager and blocking our view.  I don't want to lose him.  As frustrating as we are to each other sometimes, we have such love.  We also have such different skills that we can always help each other.  We seem very different, but we are not.

I just have to hang on and find work.  I know you’re not supposed to wait on finances to be happy, but we’ve already spent 4 ½ years- the whole time Ant’s been here- with me in college and not able to do a lot of fun things.  I need my job to be the baseline so that Chris’s income is free to fluctuate.  I keep hearing that happiness in my role means happiness for the whole family, and if I need a steady income for that, so be it.  I haven’t said much about the chores because I’m home and it’s almost my only way of contributing right now.  Once I start work that will change.  Ant may not realize it, but Chris does.

I'd better post this now, since I just got the warning call from Charter.  Sigh.  I'm not too worried about that- there are more important things to pay for than TV and I can go to the library for internet.  That might help me concentrate, actually.  I was talking to dad about the job search and the bills.  He said he was going to go to the Sprint store to see if he could upgrade my phone and maybe my plan so I could have easier access to email and such.  I couldn't respond much without crying, but how kind is that?  He asked me what else was going on in my life and then laughed because really, what else is there room for?

This, Dad.  All this.