Tuck in time

Well I finally called Topaz to wish them a Merry Christmas, even though I knew they would not be merry. I have never heard Mike sound so sad.

I have thoughts derailing all over the place.

I don't know how a person can leave such a sad mess in their wake.

I think about what I want in a guy, and I think someone who picks up after themselves means so much more than what I thought it did.

There will be something to be grateful for in this... later on.

I can't explain why I'm so messed up over this- I don't know that I really understand it. You all seem to understand it better than I do, and the space you're allowing me for hurt really awes me.

It was not a bad day- really. I did what I wanted: I slept in, I took Riley for a long walk, I worked on a puzzle, I ate yummy food, I took a movie nap. I got some awesome gifts, and talked to my family. Dad will be here on Friday, and we're going to have another mini Christmas then.

One day of work before a long weekend. Chin up, buckle down.

Next

But I just finished reading the last of my 25 books for 2013, here in the Target parking lot. It was a great book that I burned through in what must be 3 days. It was a nice note to end on, and horribly relevant, which is always good. I knew before I started reading it that I would love this book even if I didn't like the ending.

I feel like I need a nap, but I'm in greater need a car wash, so off I go.

Keep going

It'll pass and I think I'm OK now. I'll feel optimistic and happy, full of energy, charging on ahead. But then there's a sudden, crippling sadness and I feel so alone, like I'll be alone forever.

When that happens, I try to remind myself that it's temporary- even if it doesn't feel that way. I try to think of things to look forward to. I try to enjoy simple pleasures. I find distractions. Tears still come, and I let them, but then they go, and I think this is what my life looks like right now.

Goodbye

I went to six stores before I found a good duffel bag for Ant.  He always travels with a couple backpacks, and I couldn't think of anything more appropriate to give him on a traveling birthday.  He will be thrilled to go- he's always said he's from Simi Valley, even though he only spent a few months there when he was a baby before they moved to Virginia.

All the duffel bags were too small or had the poles and the wheels, making them awkward and heavy and unsmushable.  I gave up at Walmart and sat down on the floor, talking and crying on the phone with Mom.  She was very encouraging and I went to review the bags again and found the perfect one.  It's a good size- large, but still manageable.  There are wheels, so you could drag it through an airport, but no poles, so it's not too heavy, and it's smushable.  So smushable, in fact, that you can zipper the whole thing up into one end, making it look like a large lunch bag.

I bought a tiny card and put positive, loving words and a $20 bill in it.  I put that in the mesh front pocket, along with root beer gum, chapstick, a road troll, and a 3D drawing pad that comes with 3D glasses.

Chris showed me the blankets he had already set out for Jasmine to lie down on in the car.  I reminded him that when she starts to shake, it means she's going to vomit soon.

We went to Applebee's.  It should have been a TGI Friday's, but there aren't any left around here.

We had a beer, shared our favorite appetizer, and talked about the past, present, and future.  We split the bill, then talked for a good measure more in the parking lot.  Then we said goodbye.

"Take good care of the three of you," I cried.

"I promise."

One last hug and he laughs.

"You STILL have a poop bag..."

Time out

I wrote a lot yesterday and deleted it.  Self-imposed time-out.  Today I will try again.

My heart actually hurts.  In what is a very short notice decision, Chris says that he and Ant will be moving to L.A. tomorrow.

I don’t have the energy to debate with you about how you think this is great news, or when will I move on, or how hard you think I am making things for myself.

I am just going to tell you that this is not going to happen on your timeline.

And that doesn’t mean that I’m doing anything wrong.  That just means that it’s hard, and it’s going to be hard and take lots of time because that’s how these things work.

I’m glad you think I deserve someone better, because even if Chris had some really shitty behavior, the love we still have for each other somehow survived all that.  Must have been some pretty powerful stuff.

The bad things are true, but they do not negate the good things.

And I feel actual, physical pain in my heart.

Vincent Van Goddammit

Starry bluearrgghhhhh!

The White Tree (of Gondor)

 

My coworker lent me one of her trees!  I should have taken the small pink one.  Sheesh.  I forgot what these things are like to put together.  Or rather, I forgot that I never had to participate in actually putting the tree together.  I just put ornaments on it.  This was such an ordeal that if it hadn't already involved hauling the box up the stairs, I might have given up on it.  I put the middle section on the bottom first, and marveled at how wide it was.  Imagine my consternation when I realized that wasn't the bottom.  That's when I called Tracy and Mom in a panic.  They both immediately knew exactly where the tree had to go, and made some helpful suggestions about how to decorate it.  Only SOME helpful suggestions, because somebody's been watching too much Martha Stewart.  But the tree is up, pre-lit, and post-decorated.  It's resting on furniture sliders because I had to drag it across the living room and I was afraid I'd set the carpet on fire.  That sucker is heavy.  The sliders come in handy when I need to close the blinds, so I'm leaving them there.  Tracy wins Christmas for her tree skirt this year- mine will not be nearly as clever.  When she posts a picture of what she's doing, I'll post it here so you can see.

 

Why does the urge to write so often strike late at night when I'm supposed to be getting ready for my real job?  Shouldn't this be my real job?

 

I'm glad I got a tree.  I'm glad I was able to borrow one, I'm glad my friend has a Christmas tree addiction, and I'm glad she was willing to haul one into work for me.  I'm also glad it fit in my car, because I thought my back seats folded down to make a hole into the trunk and found out that they either don't or I have forgotten how.  I'm also glad her fiancé remembered that the green one was 9 feet tall before she brought it in.  This tree is the perfect height, and it is lovely.

 

I did only have eight ornaments, but then I found the box that Chris brought me.  I have a good start there.  I also have a ton of icicles all over the tree, not that you can tell.  I didn't want to buy any Christmas stuff, but I may have to hit the dollar store to find something ridiculous to put on top.

 

Oh- and Dad will be here right after Christmas.  Perfect time to sit and admire the tree for a couple days before he gets to help me dismantle it, pack it back into the box, and get it into my car.

 

I'm suffering from face-splitting yawns and Solo is trying to sleep with her face in my hand

 

so I need to go take the dogs out and get to bed.  Goodnight!