Dead weight loss

I promised myself I would stop and blog the next time I had a thought like, "I will have to remember to blog that," not that I normally use blog as a verb.

I was just out walking Riley, which entails walking to the mailboxes and maybe around one building. Often, while waiting for it to cool down, I wait too long and she can't see me or anything because her vision is terrible.

Jennyway, she was wandering through the grass and I touched my face and felt something odd: my cheekbone. I mean, it's always been there, and I could always feel it- it just felt more present, which I guess it is. I have been playing tennis a lot, which is part of the reason I haven't been here, and I am seeing a difference in my legs. And a few weeks ago I noticed that my tank top fit differently- a way that was unfamiliar but nice.

Which reminds me... I went shirt shopping in a clearance section recently and of the two things that fit best, neither was appealing to me. They made me sad, as did the fitting room's angled mirrors. In a moment of clarity, I put it all on the return rack and went through the store again. I picked out all the fun things and paid no attention to price. I found that a lot of it fit quite well, and I could decide based on what I liked rather than what was ok. I bought two shirts that night that I LOVE, and while they were not clearance priced, they were reasonable. And they were items I could wear right now, not items I could wear once ___________.

Duly noted.

So much so, if fact, that I followed the same rule at another store and found a pair of capri PANTS did you hear that PANTS that look and feel fantastic. I have a 99% denim policy because it's what I feel looks best and they're so damn comfy, but I finally found a pair that do that in cloth. Holy shit, it's only been like 10 years that I've been looking for these.

So I went to the kiosk and ordered another pair. Worth it. Especially since it has been 100 degrees for days.

The Weekend

It's been kind of quiet overall, and I didn't end up going anywhere for the 4th due to some unruly endometriosis and diabetes. I was sad to miss out on tubing the river- haven't done that since 2007. It's alright though, because I was amazingly productive instead. I'm really happy with what I got done, and it was my hope to do that much over these four days off.

I did have some fun- I played tennis, walked with a friend, did yoga with my coworker, and went disc golfing with my neighbor. That was a lot of fun, even if it got super windy almost as soon as we got there. The course is near the softball fields where I played last year, and the course was maintained, but still very desert-y. It was dry and crunchy (it is definitely fire season) and the ground was moving with tiny bugs. I could not tell what they were, and I'm hoping that was normal and we are not having some horrible infestation. That all sounds miserable, but it really wasn't.

My neighbor, Derek, brought an extra disc for me and explained the course. It's basically golf but with much less equipment, and it's easy to play. The wind made it ridiculous, and a lot of sensible throws were thwarted. I started throwing as low as I could, trying to avoid catching the gusts, but it was a lot harder than it sounds. The sixth basket was along the fence and down into a gully, and the fairway was one of the highest, most exposed points on the course, making it a recipe for how to lose a disc. I threw right, knowing the wind would take it left, but the wind was coming up off the whole hill and that frisbee just SAILED... way left and right over the fence and into the tall weeds by the highway. I immediately started walking towards the fence but Derek ran past me and said he'd get it. We found a spot where the fence was pulled up- where countless other disc golfers must have crawled under- and he started searching. The weeds were so high that I couldn't see to help, even being on much higher ground, so I crawled under the fence and went to help. I found it after about 20 minutes. We spent some time brushing off the bugs and the foxtails and resumed. I refused to throw next to the fence again, but he said we'd just say my first shot landed near his. We didn't keep track, but he thought we were pretty evenly matched.

Now that you're wondering, my neighbor is 27, so don't get excited.

We played 9 holes and talked about going back for the games held once a month- you sign up and are randomly matched with another player to play the course in teams of two. It's something like 5 or 10 bucks to play- $1 goes to maintain the course, the winning team gets the rest. Sounds like fun, right?

So yeah, all was not lost this weekend, though it was not as full as I'd hoped. Today is my first regular day off after our switch to the 9 hour schedule and honestly, it doesn't feel like I am at work too long. I like that I can get more done and I'm there anyway- might as well crank it out. So for my first day off, I went to get the pedicure my students bought for me, then got a yummy breakfast at Squeeze In. This was the third pedicure I've had in my life, and I think I need to do that more often. They are foot wizards.

Next up is to collect and organize before I start a slew of errands, including thrift donations, buying dog food, hitting the post office, finding shelf pegs, returns/exchanges, and 2 doctors appointments, all in sandals to show off my beautiful feet.

Later will be tennis in the heat and leftovers from this ready to eat chunk of carnitas I found at Trader Joe's. Awesommmmmmme. I'm hoping to spend some time tonight on a new puzzle, but I'm still organizing the dining room area with it's new cubby format. I'll have the rest of the evenings this week, yeah, but I'm on a roll.

I hope you all had a wonderful 4th. :)

Riley update

Riley is feeling MUCH better. I called the vet on Tuesday morning and left several messages until I got to speak with one Riley saw. They are really good, but super busy. He listened to all my concerns and asked questions- I didn't feel rushed at all. He prescribed another couple medications, and I called back on Thursday with a status report. She seems back to her old self and I am very happy. She does not understand why I keep carrying her up and down the stairs, but the vet said one month, so tough. I put out puppy pads and she finally used them starting Friday, and several times since. I'm sure once she's back on her regular schedule and not on pain pills, we'll both be happy to have her do that outside, but I'll keep one out in case.

Looking at her now, I see why the vet wasn't talking about putting her down. She's ok- just old. A friend told me about a scale that exists to measure a dog's quality of life- you rate things like appetite and energy level and so on and put the number on the calendar so you have a measurable way to see trends. She said her vet told her you'd rather be a week too early than a minute too late. That is a scary, scary thought. Sunday through Tuesday were awful days, and several times I thought about calling someone to help me, especially when I had to do something that hurt her. I would have had help in a minute had I asked, but each time, I just closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I'd ask if it was for her or for me, and then I'd let that breath out and proceed. Thanks to the mindfulness class and Kate's reminders, I worked hard to try to stay present and minimize the hurt- to think about my state of mind and what I was projecting to her. And we got through it. Kate said she thought this was good preparation for what is to come, and I do feel a little more confident. I know where my line is, I know what's too much for her, and nobody is going to be able to make that call but me. Now I know that I can, and I have an idea of how hard that will be.

This kind of thing always happens at 2am

Now it's 2:45 am and I'm holding a bowl of chicken and rice at an angle. Riley is happily nosing through the rice for the chicken bits. She's been whining on and off through the night but I woke up at 2 to her panting. Google said call the vet, so I called Reno's godsend, Animal Emergency Center, and asked if Riley could have another pain pill. Nik strongly recommended pill pockets last night, and I am singing her praises. Who knew I would desperately need them 6 hours later. I got Riley up and got the pain pill down, and she limped to the other side of my room, sat down, and smelled the air, so I brought her the other half of the pill pocket. She ate it right up, interested and whuffling at every piece I held out, so I went and grabbed a chicken and rice container, threw it into a bowl and warmed it up. She ate most of the chicken bits with gusto and then stopped a couple times, looking at me with the expression that said the medicine just hit. She quieted down and is now lying with her head on my socks. I thought a headrest might help her get up easier.

I knew this first day or two would be the worst, the absolute worst, and so far it is awful. It was suggested to me that I take Tylenol PM because I would likely be both sore and restless, and I do think that was sound advice. I just didn't feel last night that she was entirely good, and wanted to keep an ear out. It made for a shitty 4 hours, but I'm glad I heard it when the panting started.

I'll call the vet in the morning and see if we can't increase the dosage to keep her comfortable. If this kind of pain continues, and she doesn't improve, of course we can't keep going. I wonder if my Facebook post will prove to be ill timing- if we don't have that long at all. I feel like I can anticipate some people's reactions, like they're already judging and feeling like it's already been over and they know what I should do.

In those moments, I think about mindfulness and noticing what thoughts are occurring. I think about what Kate said about being present in the moment. I am asking myself to stay with what's happening no matter how upsetting or uncomfortable- not thinking about the past or anticipating the future- and to be open to the signs she sends to let me know when she is ok or not. So far, my rule in this is not in pain. If that means rest and meds and a happy dog, ok. If it means the end, I will be ok.

Send good juju

I'm lying on the floor next to my dog rubbing her head. I am having to use the voice command so please forgive the mistakes. I spent 2 hours at the vet today curled around Riley. She was lying on one of my towels wrapped up in it on the table. They assured me right in when I came in with her wrapped in my towel. It took the towel to be able to pick her up because she hurt so bad she was trying to well trying not to bite me. At the vet the vet tech game to check her vital signs and see how much of an emergency it was because the vet was in surgery. I had to lay Riley on the table so the vet tech could check her out and I did not want to move her again so I spent 2 hours petting her and talking to her while we waited. The table is metal and I was glad I wasn't able to find the beach towel and instead grabbed one of the thick extra large bathroom towels because half of it kept her body insulated from the cold table and the other kept out the cold air and dried my tears. When the vet came in and checked her out I told him all about the diarrhea the chicken and rice the vet visit on Saturday the antibiotics and her growl cries all day Sunday. I told him about her back legs giving out and how stiff she was walking how her back was hunched. I told him it was extremely unlike her to lie on the table any table but especially at the vet. He asked to see her walk and told me he thought it was either a bulged disc or perhaps cancer. He kept her for tests and I went back to work. I picked her up this evening and found out it is compressed vertebrae. There are two spots where there should be space. I have no idea what could have caused this recently and he said there's no telling. If I think of all her acrobatics through the years I can easily think of many potential causes but I do not know what could have triggered it and I certainly saw no injuries at the time. Now in addition to antibiotics she is on steroids and pain medicine. He does not think this is the end for her. He says she'll be fine once the swelling goes down. Because of her age she is not a candidate for surgery of course but he says medication in this case usually works quite well. He gave me instructions for the medication and vet she has to have restricted movement for a month. No running no jumping no playing all of which is no problem but also no stairs which means I will be her elevator. He told me they had given her an injection of pain medicine and that it would wear off in 3 to 4 hours. It has worn off. I gave her the other medications hours ago because I did not want her to run out of pain medicine but she hurts. I am to call the vet on Wednesday with an update and I'm glad he told me the medication will wear off because she was lying on the floor whining. Eventually she got up and stiffly paced the apartment wandering back and forth. She settled down in my room in her usual sleeping corner but kept crying softly so here I am an hour past my bedtime emotionally drained and sore and tired but she has quieted down. I will go to bed soon and sleep but I will get up and come lie down next to her again if she asks me to. The next couple days will be hard. I think she got moved around a lot today and it's going to take some time for the medicine to kick in. If the vet had suggested putting her down today I would have done it. He did not though he knew her age and mentioned it often instead told me she would be back to her regular old self as soon as the swelling went down so I am trusting him. Please send warm comforting thoughts to her as she heals.

Endorphins- those tricky bastards

There's an athlete under here. It's neat to see her again. I'm starting to understand why my crazy flailing attempts to hit balls that are out of reach often succeed. It's interesting to find myself stopping short when I want to say "Oh, I can't do that" and instead think, Can I figure out how to do that? My coach was super excited today about what I picked up. There are some days where you can't miss, and this wasn't one of those, but with his individual focus and immediate corrections, I was able to incorporate his instructions a lot better. He'd teach, I'd hit, he'd call out corrections, and then I could hit the same shot over and over. He'd stop to celebrate and make me acknowledge it. He said he taught six lessons today, and mine... then he just shook his head and said I did awesome.

Tomorrow I'll go to the drill with another coach, and he's good for different reasons. They have different ways of explaining it, and my Tuesday coach has these funny reminders, like "Stand your ground! Don't you let that 1 ounce ball intimidate you!" or calling somebody a dolphin because they ran up too far and got caught in the net.

In a year, I've worn through my shoes. That's not impressive for a pro, but it is for me, taking classes and practicing just a few hours a week. As my Tuesday coach said when commending my decision to favor my knee instead racing for a really short ball, "I know you wanted to go for it. Thats not something you can teach people."

Someone said to me recently that they feel this point happens when people start something new, especially some kind of exercise. Things are fun and great for a while, then your body starts protesting. My right side is, in the words of my massage therapist, "jacked up," but she informed me that the orthotics and plantar fasciitis stretches are working, as my feet no longer feel like bricks. I am feeling better. I hurt, but I feel like I'm just challenging the way my body has adapted to move, and I'm working on getting it in the direction of how it's supposed to move. I'm still carrying weight, and I think I still look the same, but I am suddenly feeling a lot less apologetic about my body. I'm gonna go ahead and be a giraffe now and trust that I can both reach the tall branches and outrun the lions.

Working on it

I must remind myself that it’s been less than a year since I’ve been on the pump, and this will ALWAYS be a process. The endocrinologist changed my basal rates, and I have been crashing left and right ever since. What I need to do is upload my data and send him the results. He’ll see it and give me new rates to plug in. I’ve got to calm down and pay attention enough to find a pattern, which coincidentally works with what I’m doing in another area. I’m tracking my total carbs, and circling which carbs are for covering lows. That ought to give me a pretty clear picture.

 

This has turned into a stay the hell home and rest week. I canceled tennis on Monday and Tuesday to rest my right side, and on Wednesday I came home to my AC blowing hot air and the smoke detector chirping its low battery warning. It was 87 degrees in there, and Jackson and Riley were panting. I called maintenance and opened up all the windows. Thankfully, the wind was picking up, moving some air through the apartment for the cat, but I took the dogs outside and we sat in the breezy shade until they stopped panting. I replaced the battery to the relief of all the animals. The maintenance guy came and fixed the AC and gave me a very gentle reminder to change out the air filter a little more often. By the time all that was done, I would have been an hour late to my mindfulness class, so I stayed home and took a nap. Last night, Ant and Kirsten were supposed to come for dinner, but Ant has a new job at a Subway, and is working a new schedule.

 

Tonight I’m doing a review with my class, then meeting a friend to proofread some work for her graduate level classes. I’m also supposed to help edit the final draft for a med school applicant. This weekend is filling up fast, and I intend to have fun and get stuff done, but also get some more damn rest.