No self-flagellating messages will get through this deep sleep.

Today I was getting ready and realized I was missing a load of laundry. It was still downstairs in the washer. I saw the prism of a migraine just as I walked into work. Our boss's boss came to our morning meeting and I realized I'd left my kit at home.

But I hung up my wet laundry and popped some migraine meds and ran back home and bulldozed through. The meeting ran really long but it was full of good stuff and I had a couple other short meetings and then it was time for lunch! It was a Pollo day and somebody had the sense to get the boss's boss something because he was still meeting with people.

Even though I was told in an email I'd have all day to get references to the hiring supervisor, she started reaching out when I was still juggling my work and trying to process my path. It was a hard conversation that I didn't really want to have in front of my coworkers, but alright. I made my case and she understood, but asked me to think on it for a couple days.

The afternoon got eaten up with more work and some discussion about my current job and its potential. Then I went to go talk to people from Tesla about jobs. The recruiter I talked to said there are often technical writer jobs here, and you don't need the certificate, but that my experience sounded more appropriate for another job that I will be investigating.

Got back home, got ready for kickball. We are really short on players at the end of the season, and we're a little short next season, but some guy walking by agreed to play with us last week, so Sarah texted him. We lost but scored 8 runs, which is most we've gotten in any game. They all happened in the first inning!

But just like in softball, my impressive feats were in the last game. I got a run and I threw the ball at someone and got them out. Then our stand in player said he was short, so four of us went to play in his game. They're in the A league! I got another run, threw someone out, and caught a ball! It bounced off me, but I retrieved it and got the kicker out. And I played on two games! Crazy.

I stopped with Sarah for some street tacos, went home, took an Epsom salt bath, and just finished my prep for tomorrow. Some evil sprite told me I was getting to bed too late, but I thought about today and decided that I did everything I could. 😊

Complementary forces

By the time I make it back here, there's 800 things to tell you.

"How was your trip, Jenny?"

Great. Now let me go on my tirade.


I got back Saturday afternoon and actually started unpacking, but instead met up with Lena and had a beer and some food and hung out for a few hours. Mini did fine at her house except that Lena now knows that Mini hates having her nails trimmed and I am terrible at it. I got home and just cuddled Mini and put some things away.

On Sunday I did that half-hearted Sunday bullshit where you are almost productive but not exactly. I did find a shirt to wear for my interview, got my outfit sister-approved and put the rest of my crap away, which is a serious record in the unpacking from a trip category. I also bought food AND COOKED DINNER. I did not do yoga or finish a paper, but I did make progress on one.

On Monday, I suffered through the world's longest meeting, then had a short amount of time to finish preparing for a presentation, but I have done this one like seven times already, so I was fine and it went pretty well. Then I came back to my desk and my class buddy asks about my homework status. "It's gonna be a rough week," I say, "but I'll have it done by Friday."

"Except the Emotional Intelligence one, right?" he says.

"No... I'll be doing that this week."

"But... that's due... today."

Nice job, Jenny. So I went straight home after work and took the assessment, read the book, and wrote the paper and still went to the kickball game on time. I was the third person there... out of six. Half our damn team didn't show. One person is across the country- no idea what the rest of their excuses are. Sarah was mad and I agree- that was some shit. What's with the no notice? If we'd known even earlier that day, we could have found subs.

We had to forfeit, but the other team donated one player and one spectator, plus some guy from a totally different field offered to play his third game of the night with us. We played for fun, and it was the most fun we've had all season. Everyone was laughing and nice to each other, except for the ribbing from the other team to their donated player.

Today was my interview.

This damn job... it's the same grade and it's an admin assistant, but I was told it's the best spot we've got for editing. I wasn't even going to apply, but I had a conversation with the supervisor who told me it would be 65% editing. Well, ok! Who cares what else it involves? (Lots of fancy pants and meeting minutes, but wouldn't it be worth it to get paid for editing?)

I feel completely unsettled by the interview. I am pretty good at interviews, but this did not feel the same. I got some pretty positive signs from one person, but the other two were hard to read. They started talking to me as if I was interviewing for a totally different job which- hello- I am. You already know I am here for the editing! I am not worried about your admin. I can do all those things, and you clearly know that if I'm being interviewed. I'm interested in what the editing is about. I thought I had this conversation with you ahead of time because I didn't think it was a good fit either... until you talked me into it! Why are you trying to talk me out of it now?!? I didn't want to waste your time or mine, and now I'm wondering what this was all for.

So the assessment I took last night yielded pretty even results, so I chose self-management for my improvements. I think I'm alright with self-awareness, but I like to excuse my preferred behavior. I chose three strategies as required, and I tried to make them things that were relevant and possible- things that would show up often.

Visualize yourself succeeding
Stay synchronized
Sleep on it

Before I left for the interview, a coworker told me to picture the interview going well. Interesting how quickly that one came up. I LOVE imagining the worst case scenario- it feeds my inner drama llama. You know I love Rescue 911 and Drama in Real Life, and one of my very favorite things to do is imagine myself in the most dire of circumstances. Apparently, that's not the healthiest or most realistic thing to do. It would be more accurate to imagine success, but that's not how we're wired, and that's one of those things that's going to require rerouting.

The synchronizing is supposed to be about maintaining control over yourself, but I really like the idea of learning to notice when others' emotions are not lining up with their behavior. I can read emotions pretty well, but I miss the contradictions in their actions, which is probably why my friends think my man radar is busted. If I could see those things, I could do something different, but that's hard when you DON'T WAAAANNNA SEEEEEE.

As for turning that around on myself, I think it would be good to think about how quickly my behavior betrays my real feelings. If it's not something I would say, maybe it's not something I should show. That seems like a good rule.

This last one is going to be much harder than I anticipated. I do not want to put it down- even temporarily. I just had a long conversation with Tracy about this at 10:00 when she was trying to go to bed. When I am ready, it's time to go, and I am immediately and completely frustrated when everyone is not on board. I cannot begin to imagine how to work on that. I wasn't even able to accept the title of the strategy. I like the author's further description better- letting the dust settle. That feels like I'm still part of the action. I cannot look away.

This does not feel fair. I am just extraordinarily impatient?! I don't feel like an impatient person. It's true that I would rather start moving furniture than measure, but that's because I can't see it until I try it. I'm not good with projects that require chipping. I'd rather try dynamite. I wonder if the project problem is just that I never learned how to manage them. I like doing puzzles, but it borders on obsession- I can barely drag myself away for inconveniences like sleep and work until it is done. Maybe that's not fair either- what if I had a puzzle room? What if I could close the door and not have to worry about it being covered in weekly debris or cat vomit?

I know I am not a disciplined person. I don't know if it's possible to become one. My therapist says no, and that I'd be better off by accepting my messy self, stop making so many lists, and just taking advantage of the productivity when it hits. Maybe also try to make life easier as is rather than always seeking an overhaul. But what if I LIKE overhauls!

I would like to write, and I have some really good ideas, but I can't seem to structure my days. That sounds so productive and also so BORING. Plus I have about twelve other things I'm supposed to be doing every day- what gets priority? Should I start getting ready for bed as soon as I'm done getting things ready for the next day?

I am gone a lot. I am back to sports three nights a week, and I'm trying to add more. I've got friends who want to rally, and I want to walk, do yoga, and get knocked down in a martial arts class. I want to take drum lessons and a writing class, start submitting writing and volunteering to edit. I want to go out with friends and meet more stupid, disappointing men. You'd forgive me for that if you knew the details. I want to make things and grow things and learn things and see things and this goddamn job takes up too much of my world, so it's past time to find a way to get paid to spend my time how I want.

If they don't see my worth for this job, it's probably for the best, and all that means is I have to find my own damn path. That wasn't much of a surprise, was it? But I am still without the key, which is to figure out how to channel all this energy and intention into daily steps towards those big, big goals.

I'll do it anyway

I just spent my early Sunday morning at Kaia Fit doing yoga. I was supposed to meet a friend there, but she didn't show. I was expecting one of their crazy CrossFit kind of workouts, but the trainer told me I showed up on a good day. I still hate downward dog, but way worse than that was putting any weight on my skinned knee. OWWWW
Had to happen sometime, I guess. It was a good little workout, even though I didn't know anyone and being ditched made me think about stupid boys being stupid. Twisted Root wrung all that out of me though, or most. Kickball practice was canceled because it's awfully hot already, and so I'm going to take a bird bath and cat nap with the cat (it was a late night), then enjoy my Sunday.

An athlete is as an athlete does

Another late kickball game tonight. We lost 17-4, but hey, we got 4! We got 3 in the last game, so we're doing better and better. We do suck, but to be fair, less than half of our team usually shows up to practice and the other teams are skirting the rules by having only three girls- and almost all the girls bunt.

I did not make it on base this time. I was kicking the shit out of the ball yesterday, and my shin muscles (didn't know where those were before) hurt so bad today that I had to slow my friend down on our walk and even stop for a bit. I wear my sporty self out at practice.

I did have a little too much zest for my first kick today and lost my balance. I was going for a surprise, since everyone comes way in on the girls' kicks. Amanda said I was holding back, and maybe my shin didn't want to play anymore. I booted it on the next one, but between first and second, and was thrown out.

I have a couple simple goals for kickball like I did for softball. I have made it to third, but not home yet, and I need to catch a ball and get some jock out. Nataliia took out their first baseman tonight. He was on the orange bag, so he earned it, but she didn't stop and took him right down. It was hilarious.

Today on our walk, I said something to my friend about kickball and she said, "You do fun things!" I'm all mad that I'm not an amazing athlete, I'm mad that people don't show, I'm mad that other teams take advantage, I'm mad that this stupid ump admits he can't see without the glasses he doesn't wear, but I have to remind myself that I am doing something fun- even when it's hard. I'm proud of myself for being unsure and uncomfortable and unfashionable and doing it anyway! It's funny how lots of things I need to improve on are wrapped up in this ridiculous game. Could I have picked a more fun avenue for self-improvement? There were lots of old lessons to be relearned tonight- one of which was hydrogen peroxide BURNS OH GOD IT BUURRNNNSS, but the more it burned, the louder I laughed. There's something to be said for that.

This kid.

This picture came up in my Facebook memories today, and I started thinking about that time and this kid.

This was right about when things started coming unraveled, and while we'd always spent time together, Ant was being extra appreciative of his time with me. For Mother's Day that year, I came home to flowers and a clean house. It became apparent fast that it had all been orchestrated by Ant. He made Chris help him clean everything, not just one room. He went through the cupboards, wrote a grocery list, added flowers to it, and sent Chris to the store. Ant didn't tell me he did all that- Chris told me.

Of course, now I know that Chris was taking Ant along to go have dinner at his other girlfriend(s?) house, making him complicit. Ant was given this terrible secret to keep from me, and tried to keep that and make things nice between me and his dad for months. It was Ant who finally let me know that I was leaving. He was angry and yelling and it came right out while we were standing in the park. I let Ant leave with his friend, and I headed home to confront Chris. Ant called after me. "Please don't yell at him," he asked me. "Don't tell him it was me."

Ant and I used to bake cookies or breads together, and we did that a lot in those last few months, not knowing what would happen after I moved out. The last weekend I lived there, I told him to invite his best friend for a sleepover, thinking it might be a long time before they saw each other again, and it was. I got them junk food and movies, and the three of us took the dogs to the park. Ant and Bubba horsed around on the playground and rolled down the considerable hill. Then they plotted for a moment and came up to sit by me, but instead each grabbed an ankle and dragged me down the hill, all of us cracking up. They knew what was happening and gave special care to me that day, following my instructions the second time instead of the 15th and being adorable pests. I felt so much love from them and for them.

We are almost at the ten year anniversary of Ant's move to Nevada and into a hot glued family. The books were right- it took a couple years for us both to find our roles and learn to love each other. I thought I would have time to take him more places and teach him more things, but those five years hold a rock solid place in his heart. We are close now again, thanks to the six months he lived here and our regular dinners. We hold onto that pretty tightly, and now that we both have a say, I don't think we will ever lose our connection again.

At dinner this week, I started to say something about things going on in his life that started with "I worry," and cut myself off there and we both giggled. I'll worry about whatever it is- no need to elaborate. But this is a warm, loving soul who checks in with his great-grandmother and reminds me that I'd asked him to fix my DVD player. He's starting to learn the power of his inherited charm, but doesn't like the way his dad behaves towards women. He has his dad's mannerisms, but it's my voice he hears. We talk about the effects of addiction and how to be happy. We talk about what we learn from love gone wrong. I think he's understanding that what I want for him is to be happy, to go after the hard things, and to not hurt anyone, including himself. I'll worry the whole way, but I trust his path, and I am so grateful to have this kid who became my kid in my life.

We are both lucky.

Cleaning up by obligation

This weekend, I went to coffee with a friend. It's a work friend, and she's never wanted to meet up before. I woke up and got ready for tennis, but my blood sugar was wacky and I didn't get to go. I left my hair in the pigtails and put on some rolled jean shorts and a stretched out thrift store Dodgers shirt that entertains me. My friend was supposed to meet me around 1, but she texted early. I replied and she didn't, so I pestered her more. She was making a break for it, but I caught her on the edge of town. She was hot and tired after a volunteer clean up project in town, and she doesn't like to talk to anyone on weekends, so it was commendable that she let me chuck aside her excuses, especially after that. We finally got to meet up, and sat talking for three hours. We were there so long that when Lena's husband texted, asking me to meet them for dinner, I should have had plenty of time to go home and get ready. We were still chatting away and I left with just enough time to run home and change.

At dinner, I told Lena there was no way I could have gone straight to dinner- she would have sent me home. She laughed, but then I told her I had been wearing cutoffs and she stopped smiling. Then I told her about the red Chucks with the green socks and she shuddered. Top that off with the too big Dodgers shirt with a sports bra underneath and she agreed- I would have been sent home.

On Sunday, I practiced kickball and then ate the most delicious steak tacos at Jimboy's with Jeffrey. Then we took a couple turns around Virginia Lake until my blood sugar tanked, and then we ate ice cream at Red Hut. Yep, I sure did. It was small and I managed it right- bringing myself right back to where I needed to be. After that, we went to our favorite place to hang out: Winco. Late that night, I took a bite of cantaloupe and my tongue started tingling. That's never happened to me ever, and Google said it's an allergy. WHAT THE HELL. We are not done with this conversation, cantaloupe.

I reworked my dating profile- changed some pictures and finally answered entire sections I had left out. I have been meaning to do that for a while- about a year, I think. I have no idea if my proven dating profile editing skills will help my own search, but it is approaching the online dating app witching hour, so we shall see. And tomorrow night I'm going to host Sarah and hopefully Ant for dinner and ~GASP~ try a new recipe. Mmmmm let's hope.

That's the last time Jenny gets to pick

I dreamt that I got a lot of friends together to go hang out at a bar/amusement park. After drinking and going on rides that required holding on to handles suspended way up in the air through jumps and really fast turns, we decided to move on to the next place. There was a limit of designated drivers, but I found one and made him stay to watch a Gothic dollhouse wedding. We were informed that something might be terribly wrong with our health and were steered to the prep area for the handy operating room they had on site, where they specialized in cutting your cheek open for some reason that sounded really important at the moment. My friend got an ugly, jagged Joker mouth on one side, and I ended up with a long diagonal cut down the side of my cheek like Inigo Montoya, and I was dismayed yet slightly entertained by the idea that I was going to have to walk around for the rest of my like yelling, "HALLO! My name..."
While recovering (and desperately trying to contact the rest of my friends only to find they were still there too with all their cheeks cut and drinking the Kool-aid), I got to talk with two of the doctors about how the surgery went and my prognosis. "We also switched your eyeballs." I laughed, and that doctor laughed too. The other doctor said, "No- really," while holding my gaze.