Important note to self: You always have to agonize over something; this is just a very easy culprit.
Quickly before the day really starts and before I turn this into something a lot worse than what it really is, I need to take a few moments and wrangle my mind into better shape. This is a pattern that happens every semester (that I get paid, anyway) and I intend to break this sucker now (that it's the second to last semester) so I can avoid adding more stress to the fall (which I will do anyway- if not with this then with something else).
For the first time in a long time, I had nighttime anxiety over money. Now that I have it. This whole time that I was counting on funds that weren't showing up I was fine. I did send out a warning flag but it was only a precautionary measure as Chris had money coming in and I was pretty sure we'd be okay. And we are okay.
Here's my horrible confession: I spent the last few days shopping. Totally for me, I totally splurged on myself. I don't think I bought anything for anyone else. I did buy a toy for Jasmine, but it was dirt cheap and might replace the disintegrating monster. I also bought hand towels and wash cloths which I will add to the stash in our room that the 12-year-old won't get near. Don't worry, there are plenty of towel options for him in the linen closet but anything in there runs the risk of soaking up black paint spills. No, he's not supposed to have paint in his room but do you think that stops him?
Yes, I splurged on towels. They are really beautiful and thick and I feel inner sunshine when I use them. That's why I buy them. Rachel and I had this wonderful conversation recently about my Ceramics class and our love of functional art, or F-art, as we're calling it.
"Have nothing that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful."
-William Morris
How about both? I could buy cheap ugly Wal-Mart washcloths. I was there yesterday and found their clearance washcloths going for $1.50 each. I bought my thick beautiful richly colored wash cloths from the clearance sections at Ross, TJ Maxx, and Marshalls for $1 each. Having no pre-determined color palate allows me to get whatever is cheap and awesome.
I bought more than just hand towels and wash cloths, but this is a good example. It's stuff I need and all I'm doing is taking the time to search for better stuff for a bargain. I really do need a lot of wash cloths. The moment there isn't one in the bathroom is the moment Chris will use a hand towel to wash his face.
It is hard for me to spend so much at once. And then there's the clothes.
I have five new t-shirts and one tank top. I can't imagine how many things I've tried on, but now that I list what I got I don't feel so irresponsible. I made a rule- no black, white, or grey, as I have plenty already and they don't do much for me. So I stuck to colors and came home with five shapely t-shirts in varying shades of purple. Not all at the same time. But they are all purple. The tank is a crazy pattern, as are the three dresses I bought.
I'll give you a moment to process that one.
While you're gasping for air, I'll shock you further and say that I also bought a skirt. That was the most expensive thing I bought at $20 but I just could not leave it behind. And it's grey, but it's a very "warm tone" as Mom said- very different than what I normally find. I also bought $15 strappy sandals. I know, I can't believe it either.
I think it's a combination of things. Maybe it is the looming real job, maybe it was the guy that called me "sir" when I walked into the shoe store yesterday morning. Maybe it's the 4,000 extra steps I got on my pedometer per day through shopping.
I have an appointment on Wednesday to get my hair done. That will be expensive too, but that's been on hold for over a year. My haircuts are usually taken care of on a visit to San Diego or Virginia- this will be the first one I've done on my own in quite some time. In fact, the last one was in Virginia six months ago. I'm doing something extra this time so if I don't post pictures you'll know it didn't go well. I almost got my contact exam yesterday- I wanted so badly to wear my sunglasses to Topaz today- but the possibility of a better deal pushed me away. If I can get an updated (free) exam through the VA I'll only have to pay for a contact fitting fee at Wal-Mart, plus they're having a sale on contacts until July. I could spend half of what I was ready to pay.
This is a good place to remind myself that while I am splurging, I'm doing it in a pretty conservative way. I found an awesome shirt at Old Navy that was really comfortable and beautiful, but it was $23 and I just wasn't able to justify that. It didn't have a tag and I had to make that call at the register. As a reward- I think- for keeping my budget in mind AND for branching out- I found my new favorite thing ever at Old Navy. It's a longsleeve hoodie complete with pocket, but it's jersey and thin and soft and doesn't make my arms look as fat as they really are. And it's purple. I am in LOVE. I prayed it would fit, it did, and then I had to hope it was cheap because it had no tag. It came from the clearance section just like the other awesome shirt but Old Navy has some really crazy ideas about clearance prices. I turned down the $23 shirt but I might have paid that for the purple one. I didn't think I could leave that behind. Unbelievably, it was only $6.50. I sang impromptu happy songs all the way to the Dodge.
I feel much better now that I have put things into perspective. I really didn't spend that much at all and I was keeping an eye on the overall budget. I found deals. Chris has been working nonstop and his gigs are regularly bringing money in rather than out. I told him he was buying me a hairdo and contacts.
"Get your nails done too," he said.
Yeah, maybe not, but it's nice to know he's supportive. I wore the skirt to pick him up from the shooting the other night. His adrenaline was pumping so hard he didn't notice immediately but he was pretty happy. I showed him the one dress I had bought and he said, "I like it! I like the change." I like that we've been together for eight years and he's been fine with how I dressed, but he is pleased with the tentative transition. It's encouraging.
Soon we'll be off to Topaz, where we'll swim and eat and watch the dogs play. It will be a nice day, but I'm looking forward to sundown, when I can put on my new purple hoodie. Ahhhh.
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