See!?! Here it is, 6:30 am. Does the VA have jobs where people can work from home? Or what about just a job with a changing schedule? I know that this daily monotony is helpful for the diabetes, but I miss my school schedule when most time was mine and everything changed every few months. Of course, being a student meant being broke and raking in debt, but how awesome was it to get a spring break? I want to go to school for a living, have an interesting schedule that changes often, but keep my VA pay and benefits. If somebody could get that going for me, I'd really appreciate it. While you're at it, I'd like a million dollars. And a house just outside of town that has bay windows and secret passageways. And a goat. I've always wanted a goat.
At work, towards the end of a phone call, I'll ask the person if there is anything else they need. Some folks respond with, "The winning numbers to the lottery, heh heh heh!" I used to laugh and say me too, but now I just say "Ok, I'll get right on that," all serious like it's a med refill.
I feel like I should stay in this job for at least a year before reaching for something more difficult, but the daily grind is an accurate description. I'm sure the recent changes aren't helping my outlook. I wanted this job for many reasons, but a big part was providing stability for Ant. Now it's just for me, and we know how good I am at putting myself first. I am probably just expressing anger and grief from that loss in all areas of my life.
Chris's dad called last night to check on me and to offer an ear anytime I need one. :) He said the same thing many others have: that Chris will likely be helped more by me not helping, that he needs to see me taking care of my own needs. That is very hard, especially with Ant in the picture. Chris's dad reiterated how much he appreciates me- as the entire family often does- but encouraged me to protect my peace of mind by not handing Chris everything he asks for. Now that there is a separation between us, I see how I was unable to withstand the pressure. I don't really have to resist him now, because he recognizes what he was doing before and either doesn't ask or retracts the request. We are both trying to stand on our own.
Why does that make me cry?
No comments:
Post a Comment