Last night, Jenea told me that from what she sees about Chris from Facebook, he has confirmed his stupidity many times over, and I'm lucky to be rid of him. Those words alone set my imagination off and I started to feel sick. I told her that I didn't want to know anything (not that she was offering), and looked around at my nice, clean apartment that stays that way and redirected my thoughts forcibly. Jenea applauded my self-control, but it's only effort in that department- success is difficult. I decided not to be upset, just try to brush it off, so of course, I had terrible dreams.
Chris showed up to our room with four of his trampy girls, all of whom demanded that they had a RIGHT to be there and I did not. Chris was mean and callous. I found someone I knew just as someone to talk to and Chris jeered at him, like I had chosen a loser. Then a fox came out to hunt, drawn out among people by hunger, I suppose, and the cats surrounded him, and tore him to pieces.
My thought is that Chris is this sneaking, stealing fox, and the felines give him just what he deserves, but I still can't watch and I plug my ears so I can't hear the screaming.
Every time I hear something that I don't want to, whether I hear details or not, it hurts so terribly and even if I turn away, I process it anyway. I have this combination of ideas about pain, mashups of things I've read or been told. I think about Rumi: The cure for the pain is the pain. An article about the importance of sharing sad experiences as a way of having a deeper understanding between people- a willingness to feel pain. There was a Facebook post about being strong enough to love again.
I keep hearing from everyone how important it is to do things to avoid what causes me pain. I think it's largely unavoidable for logistical reasons- as I have piled his debts on top of me- as well as emotional ones, and I know I will be far better off by dealing with these hurts now. I know he is not, and this makes me roll my eyes with bitterness at the idea that he is so determined to remain a victim of his own behavior.
I was not the negative one- something I see more clearly now. And I was healthier- even with diabetes!
I was angry a lot, something I thought was just inherent to me, but now I know how much the situation had to do with it. And I think I hung on for as long as possible not just because of my love for Chris, but for Ant. I am so FURIOUS with Chris for what he has just ripped away from his son with no idea how deeply this will affect Ant. He says he knows, but clearly he does not. I'm not sure he's ever acted with Ant's best interests in mind, and what a horrible accusation is that? Perhaps he can't because he doesn't know how. Way to boot your only help, dipshit. What else can I do but wash my hands and wave goodbye? I can cry.
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