This is a process

I dreamt that I was helping Chris clean and organize a room full of music equipment, tools, car parts, cords, random pieces of junk, and all the other types of unorganized things that took over our garage, storage shed, or living room and made me crazy. I was helping, and often left alone even though it was supposed to be his stuff and his project. This was also common. I was just thinking the other day about how whenever I had the opportunity, I would carry or fetch equipment, roll up cords in whatever new way he wanted, run home or to Guitar Center for something he needed; I would always help. I wonder if that was valued.

Anyway, so in the dream, he's off doing something REALLY IMPORTANT, OK? This is MY OWN BUSINESS, why don't you ever UNDERSTAND that? And I'm in there trying to sort and organize things when I can't even tell if they're music, car, or tool parts. Then I have to pee.

Up until now, it was all a little different, but easily tied to reality. Suddenly my dream goes all squirrely like dreams tend to do and for some reason it seems like a completely normal thing to go pee in the corner. There's a quart of antifreeze or something there, and I seem to think this closed bottle lying on its side is going to magically open up and corral my urine. Instead, of course, I look down and realize I'm just peeing all over everything and feel like a supreme ding-dong. I go get some paper towels, and Chris returns.

I'm standing there trying to figure out how to clean it up without him catching on, and he's just babbling away about this new studio and who's helping him do what and there must be a verbal or physical cue, but I don't know what it is, I just suddenly know and interrupt.

"Oh my god, you're cheating on me again."

Then I'm a flood of desperate, despairing words as my heart sinks to my feet and he says nothing because there's nothing to say.

This part is familiar, but what's new- what's different this time- is that I understand there is nothing to do but go. I relax my grip on the wad of paper towels and decide to leave the pee there.

I wake up sad and stunned again. I write it out and this separates for me the dream from reality and I feel better. I feel tired. I go back to sleep.

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