I just spent four hours reading Gone Girl. I can tell I will read it until it is done, trying to test my blood and eat dinner over it, try not to drip water on it while I brush my teeth. I'm so thankful for the three day weekend. I've been very productive, but not everything is done. I did lots today in a sweeping charge timed to three loads of laundry, but then I sat down and could not stop reading.
Here again is a book (movie, song, etc.) that speaks to me with such relevance. I had a sad moment as the situation turned to mirror my own, but paused the book at a point where it was confirmed to me (again, again) that I need to go forward as what is truly me, be me, be proud to be authentic. I do not want to pretend or emulate or follow examples. I want to do/wear/say what feels right and only that. My personality test results surprised me- I did not think I was secretive or quiet- I thought I wore who I was. But I have been looking and I see that it's true. I have a few real confidants; everyone else gets what they expect from me. My silence seems to imply agreement. Yesterday, my neighbor let his dog jump into my car- an intimacy I get the feeling he hopes for, but not one that exists. And wow. But what did I do? Stood back with a baffled silence. What could I have said that would not have reduced me to rudeness? Recently I spoke up to a friend for once about something truly indefensible and they defended it anyway, of course. I never speak up unless it's someone close and they'll tell you- I won't hesitate... or let up. But for those who aren't that close, it's useless. I seem to be some blank canvas that they draw their picture on. When I disagree, it's as if I don't have a right. I can read people, the results say, and it's true. But they can't read me like I think they can, and I'm learning that I have to speak up, but without sinking to anger or rudeness. I'm going to imagine channeling Mom's cool, calm clarity and ask myself first if I should say it and if so, how. But I am going to go forward feeling "fearlessly free to be me" (Thanks, Potts.) and stop letting people draw all over me. I am as I am- there are no blanks waiting for you to fill in. My counselor asked me back in the fall to proudly take up room, because I belong. That idea has been marinating long enough.
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