This isn't my real wake up; this is my inner weekday alarm clock, and if I get up now, I won't get a nap in later, and I could get cranky.
I really love all the ads that pop up on my phone. They always try to sound excited or legitimate, and sometimes they mess up. My favorite ad said: "This is real?" No, sorry, it is not, but perhaps you'll get me next time.
I feel like this was a rough week, but just emotionally, I guess. I am just floored that I got painted into an unreasonable, crazy, clingy ex-girlfriend when all I asked was for him to keep Trampolina away from my new life. You're right, I'm being completely unreasonable because I don't want you to leave cash in my car and don't want you or her near my car or my job. And if you think I'm being unreasonable, that gives you every right to pry my door open and let her leave some disgusting, unnecessary, and completely oblivious note in my car. Tear up my door and deny the damage. Act as if it's my fault because he TOLD me to leave the car unlocked. Welcome to Chris's world.
So there's an account set up now. He can bring his insecure, ego-fanning shadow into any branch and make a deposit. Hopefully it is a convenient enough path for him to stop trampling over my boundaries.
I haven't wanted bad things for him throughout any of this. I wanted what we said we'd do: treat each other with kindness while untangling our ten year history. I have done this as much as possible and clung like hell to the high road, but lately I admit I have found myself sneering at inevitable banana peels in his path, hoping to witness his ungraceful and completely deserved fall. Then I turn away and breathe, reminding myself that I don't actually wish bad things for anybody, and I'm not going to hang my glee on someone else's failures. I'm not vindictive by nature, I just feel backed into a corner and needing to strike. I don't need to hurt or hate him, but I get the feeling he wants me to.
Thankfully, I live on my own without his infuriating chaos, even if he's always trying to let it visit.
It has been a bit of a hurdle this week, but I'm still over here holding onto fair and kind. Just like in our relationship, I may be the only one over here holding onto anything, but I did what was important to me. I may be deeply hurt and astounded, but it hasn't turned me into an ugly person. That's kudos for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment