Well, that went well.
I offered the gift of space to my Topaz family and was vetoed. Actually, a little chewed out and then resoundingly vetoed. It was made clear to me that there will be never be rejection from their end, only from mine and only if I need such distance for my own peace of mind. If that tie is severed, it will be my doing and only if I am unable to move on. Great, so it will be my horrible deed done for weak reasons. I told him I didn't know if I could handle it, but I'd try, and if I decided I needed to let it go, I'd like him to respond a bit gentler and let me go with kindness and understanding. Although, there is something to be said for people who outright reject your proposal to give them space. Looks like this won't be any easier than losing my relationship and suffering through its aftermath. I can deal with seeing my Topaz family, not to mention Ant- what the hell am I going to do about Ant- and just stretch my heart out to accommodate even more hurt, or I can be the bad guy who leaves because I'm weak. No, that's not it, but that's what it'll look like to the people who are hurt.
The next person to tell me to get over it or move on gets the nearest heavy object chucked at their mouth. I'm trying to do just that, can't you see that? And you know what? I'm doing pretty good. Should I be further along? I'd rather deal with it now than carry it around for the rest of my life. I do feel like picking up a hammer right now and fucking DESTROYING something. You know, smash the shit out of something partially breakable, partially dentable and just whacking the absolute life out of an inanimate object while wailing and screaming and eventually collapsing on the floor in great, heaving, hiccuping sobs that go on for a while until rolling into the fetal position and submitting to silent, choking sobs until passing out. Imagine the sleep you'd get!
I think I am going to work on creating an area of my apartment that is not allowed to have any negative thoughts.
Speaking of which, I think I am done for the night.
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