Sad days always come like this, because of this, but maybe there's a quota on tears because I feel all cried out now.
It was such a full weekend with beauty and challenge and sadness and people, but I sailed right through it and nobody saw me sad- I put that away. I have 360 degree postcard visions of my favorite lake from the water with my dog asleep in my lap. I watched her play with the other dogs. I threw the stick for them and shifted my weight off the rocks as the water washed the sand away from under my feet. I drank a can of Coors Light on a boat and later we ate ribs and sweet corn. "Can I borrow a brush?" I asked Elaine. "I have boat hair."
And Saturday! Busy, busy. Working on my project, hearing suggestions, listening, helping. The evening was fire and people being audacious- something I wanted to see, invited friends to, and went! Do you know how hard that used to be? And now, the scrapbook of tickets and fliers is getting too fat to close.
The sadness is to be lonely, to feel not that close to anyone. To feel a hole where somebody was. Even if they weren't the right somebody, they're still missing.
The week is less busy without Riley, so I know the stage was already set for sadness. And I let that monster in, I know that. But I knew it was coming and each time it's less devastating. And Solo is here, lonely too, and cuddling with me as often as possible.
Now I know why I only know the dog people in my neighborhood. Without Riley, I come home and don't go out again.
And then I have a private moment with a movie- how do I explain this? A new one after only we loved the first one so much. A new one I thought would be unrelated to the first one and to our history- our relationship to it, and the only person who would just get it and love it and need no explanation or defense of it is gone and I can't even say "Hey, watch this movie" because this is how things turned out- I watched it alone and I'm only sharing it with myself. The moment passed with just me in it. There's nobody else on that page now; what a brutal ending. The movie ending was brutal, too... how fitting.
So ok. It's no accident that the Emotional Intelligence class is this week. It will come right when I need it. Tomorrow is Zumba- work to remove more fat and other negative crap and dance to silly songs:
Bad girls, bad girls
You're such a naughty bad girl
"WHAT?" the instructor yells.
"Uh-huh," we sing in reply.
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