Projectile Venting

I don't think it's the weather putting me in this mood.  I like the rain, I like fall, I like the cold.  I like having a reason to wear gloves and hats and warm, snuggly coats.

There have been several situations going on that are making me feel like an asshole, and I have been trying them on and I'm not sure that they are really mine to wear.

I feel a little fed up with a lot of things.  I have a lot of really nasty things to say and I wish I could just fill a balloon with them and send them away, but they would just hang around my feet.  I was thinking earlier that the nice thing about reading my blog vs having a conversation with me is that you can just skip this if you don't want to hear about it.

Chris told me that Trampolina won't lose her pregnancy- essentially because of Murphy's Law.  Oh, he deserves it, and so does she, but I feel so bad for that kid.  I have so much to add to that, but I have to keep my mouth shut.  I feel terrible for Ant, who is trying so hard to make the best of things.  I hope the two of them stay together forever, making each other miserable and leaving everybody else alone.  They won't, of course.  They are already cheating and lying and treating each other like shit.  They both deserve that, but they don't deserve Ant.  I might as well get some of this out.  I am feeling a bit upset that I left such an intact situation for her to move right into while I got to start over.  That's ok, though.  They might have started out with everything, but they are working hard on losing it all.  That makes me sad because I wonder what the hell we did all that for.

I am glad I got to take Ant to the Outhouse Races.  I am glad I got time to spend with him, which I don't often get to do.  I am glad I was able to get him together with his best friend.  I think they both really needed that.  I think that should probably be understandable, that takes priority, and I'm not feeling horribly apologetic about it.

I also feel justified in withholding my $5 contribution to the new office microwave until the next payday.  You should have asked people first, rather than just buying the damn thing and telling everyone what they owed you.

As for the friend that I thought was a friend but turned out to be... hmm, ought to be careful how I address this- I want to be fair... how about this: you are exactly what I saw the whole time but was accepting of.  I see now that we were fine as long as I went along with everything you said and did.  When I finally shared my opinions on the only two things I could not ignore, I tried to be very careful, constructive, and kind.  (I also said such things in person, pointed look.)  I was really surprised by your words for me (months and months later), and I hit the brakes hard to avoid sending a shitty response back.  I was so torn for days, thinking about how I really do not like burning bridges (clearly), but what I eventually realized was that it wasn't me burning this bridge.  Your words were all destructive and you seemed to have no interest in repairing or improving our friendship.  I think that sucks, and I will always remember the awesome things about you and be grateful for your presence in my life while I had it, but I am through hanging onto people who try to shake me loose.  I'm not sure why you do this, but I know well that I am not the only one, so I'm going to try not to take this personally.  I did try your words on- over and over, and I looked hard at the mirror, but I'm sorry- they do not fit, so I am not going to wear them.  Maybe you should try them on.  ;)

Whew, glad that's out.  Don't worry, that's not for you.  I will address all that stuff directly to the people I need to, just needed to vent a bit- feel out what I really wanted to say.  Maybe I'll be able to leave even more out the next time and preserve some dignity.  I'm tired of being angry and trying to swallow this stuff down.  As for Chris and that diseased, disgusting whore girl, I would love to not be the bitter ex-girlfriend.  I wonder if I will ever stop being angry about that.  There is no resolution, and Mom's right- there is no reason.  I suspect that when this topic comes up in the future, I may scare some people with a Tourette's-like reaction.  But with practice, I'll be able to recover quickly and say something kind, like, "It ended" without spitting out all the gory details.  I want to be able to be kind.  I also want to be able to do as well as I should be able to and not have to pay for his bills, but now that he's got another...  Deep breaths, Jenny.  Don't say it, don't think about it, just figure out a way through it by your damn self.

I just counted it out this morning- if Trampolina does have a baby, it'll be due right about the time that I am moving away from here.  What perfect timing.