I don't know what's up, but I am going to get a soft pretzel with a friend in about an hour, and when I get home from that I will drink a beer, and hopefully that will reset everything, because tomorrow is the next softball game and I am already dreading that way more than is reasonable, so I don't think it will help if I am still in an unsettled mood.
Today went downhill mostly because a coworker was being a stressed out asshole. It's understandable (kinda) because she was participating in an audit, but another part of her job came up that I could see was going to come crashing down on her through no fault of her own. Somebody sent out a facility-wide email about training that wasn't posted yet with her contact info for problems. I thought it would be good to alert her- holy shit, was that a phenomenally bad idea. I got shit on then, I got shit on later, and then she came back to shit on me one more time in the worst non-apology I have received in a while.
It was all about how she thought I was being just like everyone else that comes running to her when there's a problem with the computer system, or they forgot how to do something, or to debate something that has nothing to do with her. I get that it's frustrating. I also see problems with the availability of the answers, but my thoughts are always brushed off. Had she been listening when I told her the problem, it would have been clear that I was trying to give her a heads up.
When she came to shame me some more, her body language was bristling. She was downright spitty, and couldn't hear my apology for the misinterpretation or my explanation of what I was trying to do. She stomped out with the sarcastic words, "I'm just the worst (program name) manager ever."
Ok, so
1) That's clearly how she thought this snafu made her look.
2) Her overreaction had not a damn thing to do with me or the way I presented it (or its timing, which is another issue I got flogged with, because I let her know as soon as possible).
3) That was some seriously unprofessional and shitty behavior.
Even though I could identify these things as she was doing them- knew that it was an overreaction, that it was stress, that it wasn't about me... I couldn't help but feel shaken. I'm still bothered now, obviously. That kind of shit magnifies every other not perfect thing that happens until it turns into a poopy day- and it wasn't! I got some good progress in on a lot of projects, nobody else was an asshole, I had no painful physical ailments, I didn't wreck the car on the way home... it just sucks that somebody having a bad day can ruin mine, even when I am conscious of that AND the part where it has nothing to do with me. Why doesn't seeing that help even a little bit?
Seeing it doesn't, but writing about it does.
She just tried to call me. The phone was still on silent from work, but I'm glad I missed it. I'm done today. I do wonder what I will say when she brings it up tomorrow. Here's my draft:
What I learned yesterday is that I should not try to warn you of incoming shitstorms, because you will shoot the messenger.
Is that shitty? I have such trouble finding my way to a simple, assertive truth. I don't want to join in the bad behavior, and I don't want to get caught in irrelevance.
Last night I found a big ass ant on my front door. I have not been able to identify it, but it was very big and tried to sting when I evicted it. It was hanging out in the seal to the door, and going further in each time I saw it. I had my standard bug removal supplies (a cup and a postcard) and I'm pretty practiced at this, but this sucker gave me trouble. He fell into some empty cobwebs, and I helped him into the cup. Downstairs, I upended the cup over the bush out front, shining my flashlight to ensure he wasn't still in there or on me. In a horrifying flash, a spider leapt out, held half its body up in attack, and bit the ant. The ant struggled away through the web, surely encumbered by the earlier cobwebs, and the spider attacked twice more, then they both disappeared within the bush. I didn't help- it happened too fast, and I tried to convince myself of the natural order. Of course, an ant like that would not normally drop from the sky straight into the web. I apologized and felt like such an asshole. I was trying to move him away from me and my animals, and unintentionally delivered him to his death. I wondered if he stung the spider and they both died. I wondered if I should have tried to rescue him from the spider, but no, I thought- you've helped enough. Today, of course, in the daylight, I see that the bush is covered in spiderwebs and I realize that I probably put the spider in that bush- another displaced refugee from my apartment. I don't know how long I will replay the consequences of my actions in my head.
Yes, it's that bad. This is how I am. But my friend Sarah said something today in response to my emotionally explosive coworker (someone even less emotionally stable than me!). She said, "You were trying to do the right thing."
I guess that will have to be enough.
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