Processing...

So many things...

First, I hope you enjoyed that picture of my puzzle, because the cat barfed in the box. Guess I made about as much progress as I'm gonna.

I was still waffling on stories this morning, but of course- in a move that is so appropriately me, inspiration struck during one of the presenter's stories. I reviewed it with my coworker at lunch, and he asked me one question that changed my entire framework of the story. I saw it in a completely different way, and suddenly it was so relevant to my world right now. I told it and got great responses, but a lot of encouragement that I'm on the right path. In the meantime, it will be like softball. Do these things to challenge yourself and if you don't like it, fine, but don't give up too early. Learn what makes you happy and you won't cave next time because the boundaries won't be lines, they will be concrete.

The facilitators warned us that we would feel drained from so much sharing and emotion, but I felt energized. I love intimacy and sharing of personal details. I love hugs and connections. I felt like I was on a high and I was almost home when somebody in front of me ran over a rodent that was darting across the road. The wheel ran over its head and from the way its body went into the air, I saw that it had to be dead or close to it before it hit the ground. Way down I go.

We had this slide up today before a break, and as you can see, I wasn't the only one who was struck by it.

I had a hard time with this exercise. I felt like I had elements of all, but mostly observer and opposer. I don't think of opposer as negative, though I know it can be seen as playing devil's advocate. I think of what I provide as more of perspective, and that felt closer to observer than opposer. When this slide came up, I was amazed to see that these intentions and perceptions are really two sides of the same coin. I get after myself all the time for being too judgmental, and I try to think about tolerance. This made me realize that if I got rid of my judgment entirely, I would also lose the perspective- something I value, as do others. One person I greatly respect in my organization told me today that I'm always so insightful, and she loves my comments. That was a high compliment to receive, and I was amazed and grateful.

So this poor rat that nobody gives a crap about, that nobody knew existed and probably didn't even catch the attention of the driver... I care about it! Would I take it home and keep it as a pet? Nope. But it hurts me to watch life die, no matter what it is. And yes, I do eat burgers. I know. Lately I've been thinking about this as returning to the earth. I even like to think about Riley as a fallen leaf that will eventually dry up and crumble into the ground. Yesterday at tennis, there was a dead bee on the court. When I saw it, I couldn't bear to step on it even accidentally, so I darted around it. When we took a break, I put it on my racquet dampener and put him under a bush. My coach laughed gently when he saw me examining the court, and asked if it was my Buddhist tendencies (this is not my first insect rescue operation), but as always, he remarked that it was kind, and gave me the space to do what I needed. Last week there was a dog who'd lost her owner, and he waited long after the lesson was over while I tried and tried to get close to her, so that I wouldn't be in the park alone after dark.

I do care about the rat and the dead bee and the stray dog, and while my first thought is this sad, sinking loss, the only way I can not be miserable and dwell on it is to think about them as these little crushed leaves and remind myself that I would so much rather be a person who cares, even if I can't do a thing about it. It's two sides of the same coin- I will be vulnerable and I will be hurt, but I will find strength in it, and I do not want to lose the fact that I care. I choose to be this way- over and over and over.