Shoulding all over myself

How can I withstand my disappointment?

I got an email from one of my saved searches about this job- got the email on Friday. I did not spend any time this weekend on preparing, of course, but I meant to. Oh, did I mean to. But I had so much on my list and it all seemed so important and I did have a wonderful weekend. Now when I tell you about it, you'll have one eyebrow cocked, but I seriously have to wonder about fate sometimes. There's this job that might materialize at work in my department, but it's still not editing, great as it would be. This was a straight shot- a job with editor in the title. Not that I qualified, but I was going to throw my hat in anyway, because it's not up to me to decide if I'm qualified.

It was the time difference that got me. I was finally ready to apply. I had just uploaded my new resume, and the job was gone- it was midnight on the east coast. Such a dumb mistake that I know and warn others about. It took me until 8 to find my password. I couldn't log in at work because it was here, but when I got home, I couldn't find it. I got so stressed, I just decided to start cleaning, knowing I'd come across it. As soon as I did, I went to finish updating my resume. Ok, I did do some of this ahead of time. I was ready in just over an hour, and just barely missed.

But why couldn't I find my password? The reset would go to work, and I knew it was here. It took laundry and easing off the search for me to spy the place where I suddenly remembered putting it. Did I not want to apply? Am I afraid to leave the VA? Do I really want a commute that far? Was this just procrastination?

I actually teach people about USA Jobs, and I tell them it's usually the second or third job that you get- I've seen it happen so often. You flail on the first one- there are all the documents to find and sign and scan and upload. You have to update your resume and write a cover letter and reset your password and learn how to use the website again. It's disappointing to miss, and I tried for the writer editor job a couple months ago. I got an interview, and they picked someone else... I have legitimate reasons to be bitter, but they just make me sound bitter. In truth, I'm kind of glad, because they don't know what kind of program they have, and they're only using it as some kind of weird transcription service, so have at it. I'm going to find an editing job. Clearly not this one either, but some kind of editing job.

Yeah, yeah, I'm ready for the next one. And it will get easier and it will take less time. The last one took me WEEKS. This time, I was ready to go in about 3 days. That's some serious improvement, and I'll take it. I'll also take the earlier bedtime and the sleep I missed last night. I'll take the dinner with friends here tomorrow night and the obligation to clean up quickly. I'll take the embarrassing reminder about preparation and procrastination as lightly as I can and try not to flog myself with them too much. I'll take a nice, relaxing Christmas and the email I got today updating me on the new potential job in my department. It had two ifs, and in response, this person who has no stake in the game whatsoever- who just asked the boss on my behalf- told me to hang in there.

I think they all see that I am restless. I'm getting questions and long looks. They are eyeballing me as I am eyeballing the door. I keep thinking about the Little Prince, and how there are no destination screens on the comets. Just put out your fucking net, already!

Alright. So whether it was not meant to be or just a snafu, it's done with now, and my resume is a lot more honed to editing. If that's the outcome, who cares what the purpose was.

Bah.