I am going to lose my mind.
I adopted this sweet little guy whose disposition never changes. He has no concept of shame and you can't point at the pee and get loud because he'll just think you might have food in your hand. He is sweet to the cat even when she's an asshole, and he's just the most lovable little thing I've ever met. It is impossible for this to be some kind of shitty tradeoff.
He has been having unhappy poos for what must be two months now. He has been through two rounds of antibiotics, one round of probiotics, blood work, fecal screening, two different kibbles, and homemade meals. Do you know how hard it is to keep up with homemade meals every day for two months? I don't even do that for myself. Not even close.
The vet told me the next step was a $260 ultrasound to see if he has stomach cancer. Stomach cancer! He was fine! Not only that, but after I balked at that, I switched his homemade meals from chicken and white rice to turkey and white rice and he pooped normally! So great! There's the problem! So I took the unopened bag of chicken kibble back to PetSmart and traded it in for turkey kibble, started giving him a little of that, and... we're back to explosive shit puddles. I am going to lose my mind.
It's clearly food, right? Maybe grain?
Ugh. I'm so frustrated. I am going to try to take him back to the vet and maybe get a little more vocal. I know my vet thinks I'm an idiot, but the joke's on you if you became a vet because you like animals better than people. Nobody likes me at first- I'm used to that. I'll eventually win you over. But how the fuck are you going to tell me we should start with an expensive ultrasound before giving him some different food? And if there's Immodium for people, surely there's something for dogs! Maybe I'm not making my point clear enough. That's happened at work too. I have taken so much shit that I am being treated like I deserve it. Not by everyone- no. By that one jerk who's always sure it's somebody else who's being a jerk.
Someone else told me today that there's no money for the new position. It's hard to tell if they have actual news or if it's still the same news, because this is one of those people who cannot say "I don't know," so they just keep talking. And while I'm at it, I'm having a mysterious health problem and I'm having a stupid delay getting seen. I'm about to get loud over there too. And my sweetie just left for another several weeks. He'll be gone longer than he was here, which is part of the deal right now. So alright- that's it! I'm going to crack up and- oh, wait. I forgot the thing that nearly made me insane yesterday: my wifi is having severe difficulty connecting with my devices. This was a sudden yet continuing development. I will ask for help if that doesn't fix itself very fast- maybe see if Ant or a friend can help, and then I will suffer through AT&T's technical support line.
I am not fond of January. I'm tired, broke, flabby, and pasty. I've got a diabetic dog who is always hungry and cannot have treats. I've got a cat with a broken tooth and thyroid disease. I have the most amazing, sweet, wonderful boyfriend who works all the time. But these busted individuals make a loving little family, and they are my heart. I haven't written anything in a long time and I feel like I just keep stressing and gluing things back together and the glue doesn't have time to set before I have to glue something else on. I have a reset in mind, and I'm going to start by turning on Forensic Files to go to sleep because I like the monotone and I am slightly morbid.
This guy. I'm telling you, this guy. I don't know what to call him here, and I don't know if I've shared his name already. I don't know how he feels about his presence here, and I mean to ask but we don't get a lot of time together and there's a million things we try to talk about in those minutes. He might be gone a lot and working all the time, but it is so far past worth it that I can't even explain. That time we have together is precious, and I feel loved and heard and cherished. He's horribly interesting and funny and ridiculously smart. He's caring and honest and he cooks amazing meals that he could never replicate and he pours pepper on everything and he interrupts a lot and he brings me these amazing little gifts that remind him of conversations we had or that he thinks I'll like and this like many things are things I have always wanted and sometimes even tried to articulate. Right after the breakup with Chris, I had a doctor's appointment and I was so sad that I was crying as soon as he closed the door. He'd been my doctor for years and after talking a little about the whole sad thing, he told me to find someone who cherished me at least as much as my dad does. I feel like I have that and I am floored by what he offers. He says that he has to be this sweet to make up for how much he's gone and I say, "so you aren't like this for real?" and he says of course he is like this, it was just a 6 am joke, and those aren't very good. He drives like the night bus, and when he cooks, he makes half of the meal vegetables because that's what I need. He adores cookies and beef jerky and he takes Gus out for long walks. Mini adores him. Gus will too, but for right now he's only sure that I'm his person, and past that he only cares about food.
I feel lucky, but he says he is the lucky one, and that's how the two of us are in this crazy place of being together and still very much in our own lives. We just went to see Star Wars- he made this crazy trip home from work to meet me and went straight back afterwards. I got a big tub of popcorn and a Diet Coke because that's what I can have, and we sat down as the movie's on and he started telling me about the characters! He knows that I watch movies with subtitles on to absorb the plot and he knows that I don't know or care much about Star Wars, so he wanted me to know what was happening. Sweetheart, darling, love, honey, knuddelbär... stop it. He likes rubber chickens and he actually had the cup with a face on it that I wanted to buy when I was in high school- the egg separator where you pour the egg white out through the nostrils. I am amazed and enthralled at how weird and wonderful this guy is. How can my heart resist?
So I'm gonna go take some more deep breaths, rinse the last bits of dog poop out of the litter mat, take a shower and climb into my nice, warm, foamy bed. January sucks a lot, but Gus and Mini are asking for cuddles, and my non-furloughed job is waiting in the morning. Things are fine. Sometimes they are poopy, but overall we're doing pretty good.
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