The class was scheduled to last for three hours. We sat in a circle and tried not to look at each other. I was struck by some people's weirdness and seeming inability to participate or follow the "guidelines". Later I remembered this was a group full of anxious people- no wonder first impressions sucked. I'm sure I looked like an asshole too, that is if everyone else was as judgmental as me. I felt like that goodie two shoes in school who's always trying to tell on everyone: "Teacher, that kid didn't turn off his cell phone!" Shut up, Jenny.
I was hoping we would only have to say our names first and slowly work into speaking to the group but instead we had to say our name, why we were drawn to the class, what we hoped to get out of it, and what our strengths were when we were not suffering from anxiety. Aaugghh! Overload! We did small exercises alternated with discussions where we tried to describe our experiences with the exercises. During the first part we were all kinds of stressed out and everyone raised their hands when the instructor asked how many of us were currently anxious. I'm so amused by this now- it felt like a John Callahan cartoon.
"Mindfulness practice also cultivates the habit of enjoying pleasant experiences while they last without lamenting their passing."
Boy, does that ring a bell.
Among the things I learned- or maybe the points that hit home- last night were things like this:
Anxiety usually consists of reactions based on reactions based on reactions- predicting what we think will happen. As Chris was just pointing out, I have no faith that things will work out. I am worried about transitioning to the Chapter 33 GI Bill and waiting for the inevitable bad news. I trusted the financial aid would come this fall and look how that turned out. If I anticipate the bad, maybe it won't happen. Or maybe it just won't be as bad as I expect. Or if it is, I'll be ready for it. I must prepare for all possible scenarios. This is quite stressful, as you can imagine.
I had three main things I took from the class last night and now I can only remember two. We're not supposed to take notes (which frustrates anxious people) but trust that we will absorb what's important. I do believe I probably did because whatever it was made a big impression on me. I just can't think of what it was...
Anyway, the last one was when she was talking about another part of the homework. We're supposed to try to notice when we feel anxious: what we're physically feeling, how we're breathing, what we're thinking. Not change it, just notice it and try to record it without judgment, like a journalist. She said we're inclined to look for distractions when we feel anxious but she wants us to turn and face it- try to look at it. Scary!- but I think it could work to try to analyze the reaction instead of the problem.
During the seated breathing exercise I learned something shocking: I don't like being present. Being conscious of my body made it hurt. I felt uncomfortable and I wanted to lie down.
When the instructor talked about mindfulness training often not sounding like we're doing much, I tried not to worry. Productivity causes issues in my life because I always feel like I should be doing something and I also feel like everyone else should be doing something too. This class includes one all-day Saturday retreat and I can't imagine how that day will be filled, or if I will be driven crazy by doing "nothing" for that long. The big formal exercise last night was the body scan, where we laid down on the floor in the "corpse" pose and tried to feel each part of the body without moving. It took so long that I fell asleep at least twice. When I woke up I'd have a tiny amount of anger at still being on the floor and not home in bed. It's a good thing we only had a short discussion after that because I was ready to hit the sack. And when I finally did get home last night I slept well- I don't remember waking up.
Chris says he'll do the body scan with me- I'm supposed to do this once a day until the next class. I can't imagine how I'll find time or a distraction-free environment for an hour but I at least if he participates he won't be interrupting or messing with me. Ant's going to Topaz so I'll have some time to get used to the exercises themselves before I have to figure out how to work around him.
That's about all I've got for now. I'm pretty happy with how I feel already. I do need a yoga mat or something- the beach towel on a thinly carpeted concrete floor is not helping. Chris was horrified when he realized what the towel was for. "You need a mat!" Yes yes, but where does one find bargain basement exercise mats?
