As an added bonus, I know what I'm wearing tomorrow.

The bad:

My days are kind of lonely. There are lots of nice people at work, but then I come home and need time to be quiet, but I also miss all the people I'm close to.

Riley is hurt. The good news is that there's no signs of arthritis or breaks, but she's on 24 hour cage rest for a week to let her shoulder heal. She is not happy about so much confinement- she thinks she's done something wrong. Tonight, we sat outside for a while in the grass. I think that will become a more regular thing for her as she gets older.

 

 

I spent a lot of money at the vet yesterday. She's got some meds and I also found out that she's got an enlarged heart. One of the volunteers told me today some nice information. He also volunteers at the SPCA and said that one very knowledgeable lady there told him that something like 70% of dogs have an enlarged heart. There really isn't anything to do about it. I've decided that it just means that she is full of love.

 

 

The good:

 

The foam at Joann's was 50% off, so I got her the perfect sized 3-in thick piece. Her kennel was too small

 

 

so I went to consult my trainer at PetSmart. She is a huge help to me on all kinds of dog problems, and helped me pick out a better kennel.

 

 

Not that Riley's happy about it.

 

But a new kennel was cheaper than anything I found on Craigslist, plus it was available immediately.

 

Here's the video I took of Riley yesterday morning.

 

 

I went to work, called my boss, and explained the situation. I asked if we would have coverage that afternoon so I could take Riley in for an appointment, and she told me that they'd cover me as soon as I needed it. I was able to get an appointment set up and my coverage arrived on time and told me, "Go take care of your baby." This morning, both my boss and J called to ask how Riley was. Then, later on, the vet's office called to check on her and answer any questions I had. They asked me call them with any problems and to check in after the week was up to let them know how she was.

 

I was all melancholy this evening, but I talked to Shannon for a bit, did some laundry, and walked Jasmine. We had a nice walk in the cool evening with remnants of a beautiful sunset. There's a shortcut behind some condos that always reminds me of North Carolina: all damp and dark and cool with deep green grass and lots of shady trees. There are giant hyacinth bushes (I think), and their scent is a tractor beam that drags me right over to them. I roll my eyes at how good they smell.

 

So I tell myself to stop thinking about what I'm missing and ask what's good.

 

Well, North Carolina, for one. The nice, solid red on the curb in the evening light. The delicate purple of the hyacinth. My bright magenta shirt. Sprinklers. This lovely bathwater evening and a crescent moon, slung low as if it has slipped down, relaxing.

 

I thought about things like this: I like my haircut. It feels good to walk. I had a nice visit from the ergonomic folks today, and I got to go chair shopping in the physical therapy department. Shannon is coming to visit. The book I bought new, at full price, is lovely both inside and out. I'm not broke. I took a nap with the kitty earlier. I keep getting compliments on what a wonderful dog Jasmine is. My neighbors call her Jazz. They ask about Riley.

 

While I was walking through North Carolina, I thought about my apartment- about walking in there for the first time. The trees filtered the light, and the living room carpet was covered in a beautiful pattern of sunshine and shade. I had this reactionary soft gasp as I felt the energy of this place. I knew this was it. It is.





Messy Blog

It's a cold, rainy, lonely night. I watched Gravity, which did not help. I would like a small helping of Frasier to make me laugh and a shower to warm me up, but first I'm going to write to you, because that always helps.

I am reminding myself that it will not always feel like this, and that I will enjoy the quiet while it's here. I wish I was content like this, but I am not. Tomorrow will be full, and so will Sunday, and it won't be too long until I am tired and ready for bed. For now, I get to listen to Solo's and the refrigerator's purrs, mixed with the pleasant clacking of the keyboard.

I finished a book tonight: The Last American Man. I am behind on my 2014 challenge, but all I'll need is one that sucks me in. I have so many on the shelf, waiting to be read, but I think I may splurge and pick up one that I have really wanted to read: The Night Guest.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/entertainment/books/the-night-guest-by-fiona-mcfarlane/2013/11/17/b7ad91fa-3fd5-11e3-9c8b-e8deeb3c755b_story.html

I am not even going to read that review, but you may. I was already convinced by the EW review, and I don't want to remember why. I have so many books on my To Read shelf from Shannon and others, along with thrift and used book store purchases, but I want this particular one now. I never buy them new, and I will probably search the used book store first, but if I don't find it at Grassroots, I will head to B&N.

Well, look at that. I'm over here, feeling all mopey, and Mike calls to check in. "Your dog's still alive," he tells me. "I don't let her out of my sight when she goes out to potty. Nothin's gonna happen to her on my watch- I don't want you crawlin up my ass!"

Well, that's good news!

Solo is in my lap, like she always is as soon as I open my laptop. Earlier, she was on my lap as I watched Gravity. Jasmine was stretched out next to me, her head nuzzled up to Solo's. These two love each other. They often play together, and when I come home from work, they are both curled up on my bed. At night, Jasmine has to wait in the kitchen while I hide cookie bits in my bedroom. Solo runs in and posts herself right on or in one of the hiding places so that she can swat at Jasmine. It's a mini cat gauntlet. Jasmine starts making frustrated monkey noises and darts from side to side while Solo bats at her until she can get the cookie. In the afternoons, they wait by the slider for me to let them out into the sunshine. Yesterday, I watched Solo nuzzle Jasmine for a good ten minutes. Jasmine was standing out there with Mini rubbing her head up on Jasmine's chin, dragging her tail across Jasmine's cheek. Jasmine would periodically look down and put her nose on Solo's back. Solo just kept cuddling and cuddling her... until she got into that riled up state and grabbed Jasmine's leg with both paws and bit her. Bit her again. Raised herself up on her back legs and grabbed Jasmine's head and bit her in the face. Jasmine just looked at her for a moment, then did her jump-in-place, ready-to-play stance. Solo swatted her and strolled inside. Jasmine stood there for a moment more, than darted inside and grabbed a toy.

See? Just writing makes me feel better. My animals make me feel better. Writing about my animals returns me to a happy mood. I should just write a dog blog. I clog my blog with dog.

Bad, Bad Leroy Brown Dog was out loose again yesterday. I tell you that to once again celebrate my best blog title ever. He came right up to Jasmine, and I was correcting her again and again before I would let her say hi. I told her to be nice to Leroy, because he's a sweetheart, and she was. I am thrilled to tell you that she has met Leroy and several other dogs in the neighborhood: She met Titan, the bovine-looking, completely undisciplined and unexercised Pit Bull puppy. She met Rex and Capone, the two Pit mixes downstairs. She met Rocco, the undisciplined (but starting to get exercise with the Halti I recommended) Boxer mix. I actually see him out now, being walked. Jasmine has also met Angel, a very friendly Chihuahua that was attacked by two Dalmatians several months ago and damn near died from it. His owners said he had been terrified of big dogs since then, and that Jasmine was the first one he had expressed any interest in meeting. That one went well, as did her meeting with the big, unneutered Pit puppy, Papa. Jasmine has also met my neighbors' happy, hyper Boston Terrier Chandler, and his new puppy brother, Joey. I feel confident about her class that starts on Sunday.

Today I was talking with my boss about how things were going and some ideas the volunteers and I have about how to handle the insolent, ungrateful few that like to hang out and bitch about the VA while abusing every privilege they get. They really are very few- most are perfectly respectful and follow the very simple, obvious rules, like No Porn, or No Food Or Drink At The Computers. My coworkers and I were giggling about adding a No Conspiracy Theories rule. My favorite coworker had a great idea about putting on one of our many boring DVDs when people start to get obnoxious and turning up the volume. My boss asked me how I was handling those people and I explained what I do, but then she clarified and said she wanted to know what I did for myself- how did I let it go? I told her I call my mom and bitch to her, and then she yells at me to quit bringing work home. That made my boss laugh. I told her that it really helps to have others around to commiserate with later, or even just someone to throw a quick eye at, but also that the united front helps to keep those few in line. Some guy who is normally very kind got a very shitty attitude with me today, and one of the work studies was watching closely. Everyone keeps an eye out and we update each other when we have a problem child in our midst. It's also nice that we're directly across the hall from the VA Police. When I explained the problems with the setup, my boss got on the phone and asked for a half door for the office so that nobody can walk right up behind me. She is a stickler for the rules, but she wasn't exaggerating when she said that she protects her employees. I love that she wanted to make sure I had a good outlet for frustration, and seemed ready to provide help or direction in that area. She also asked me straight out what she could do to make my job easier. She had some very helpful suggestions for projects I'm working on, knew which problems to let me handle, and is in general a very positive, caring, funny person.

I've decided that I'm going to reevaluate my morning routine so that I can feel a little calmer when I get to work. Of course, I'll probably blob my way through the weekend and Sunday night I'll be running around cussing and agitated because I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago.

Speaking of which...

Good Girl

Wow, has it really been that long since I wrote a blog?

One of the few things that I do miss about my old job, aside from the people (okay, some of the people) is browsing BuzzFeed and sending silly things to my friends all day. Clearly, I was hard at work.

Now that I have to focus on juggling at work, I am feeling especially lonely.

I am surrounded by new people at work, and they are wonderful, but I do miss my old people. I am really excited that Shannon is going to come visit me next month, and in June, I am going to go meet up with Tracy and Dad in San Diego. Tonight, I am meeting a friend for a walk on the hill. I am very tired, but it's the kind of tired that would be best alleviated by a walk around the hill. I need to go grocery shopping, but let's see if I actually make it after that walk.

Riley is having a small vacation in Topaz, sitting in the sunshine and giving me a small vacation from walking two dogs. Jasmine starts class this weekend, and needs a shot before that, so she's still with me. We had a minor adventure last night. Solo managed to knock the dowel rod back into the slider track, trapping me out on the balcony. I had my phone, thankfully, so I called Jody to see if she could come let me in. I wanted to try Jody first because Jasmine knows her. She didn't answer, so I had to call the maintenance guy. As he walked up, I warned him that the dog was inside. She had been happily curled up on my bed, but heard me talking to someone and came out to investigate. She came to the slider and seemed confused, then flipped her lid when the front door opened. She ran over and he backed right out the door again, with me calling to her and telling her it was okay. He told her to get back and she did, but she stayed within a foot of him, fur raised and barking some very serious warnings. He came in and walked towards the slider, and she stayed less than a foot from him the whole way. She did not touch him, but she let him know she was ready to if necessary. He pulled the bar out of the track and let me in, and Jasmine escorted him out. He was very kind (and brave) about the situation, saying that she was only doing her job by protecting me. If he was annoyed about having to be pestered at 9 o'clock at night, he didn't show it.

I am grateful that I had my phone and someone to call, but I think I'm going to offer a key to a closer female neighbor that my dogs know. Mostly though, I am so proud of Jasmine. She let him in to do his job,  but she kept her body between him and me. She knew he did not belong, but did not overreact. I could not ask her to do any better, even with voice commands. What if I was not able to speak? We have never gotten to try out her protective nature, and she aced the test.

This situation made me realize why I have her with me. It's not about any feeling of obligation to Chris, or trying to help him out. It's about an obligation to her. She is as much my dog and she is an Square Christmas. Ha ha! I'm writing this through the voice recognition and that was too funny to take out. She is as much my dog as she is Ant's or Chris's. To her, those obligations are clear and instinctive. I feel the same way, but I also feel the need to justify them. She just reminded me that the reasons don't really matter. She is my girl and I am hers, and we will protect each other.

Plans

Aaaaaaand there's the apology.

But back to the tasks at hand.

Clean something
Read something
Go to bed
Learn more tomorrow
Meet more coworkers
Help some veterans
Figure out what I'm going to cook for my friend on Friday
Find out more about tuition reimbursement from the VA.

(What, more school? Is it time for a master's degree? What?)

And now, to find dinner.

At first, when I left work today, I thought, "I don't like anyone." Not people at work, just people in general. Then I listened to one of my happy songs and sang, and admitted that it's not true. It's just that today was very busy and I'm tired and Chris is an infernal asshole. You wouldn't believe the ridiculously mean things he sent to me yesterday. I'm pretty sure he was just venting nastiness from elsewhere, because I seem to be a safe receptacle for it.

But now I don't live in that anymore. Maybe he's worse now, or maybe I'm less used to having to swallow that shit. It made me feel so bad, like I don't have a tolerance for it anymore. The good news is that now he wants to avoid me, so maybe he'll leave me in peace. I suspect he will come back again, acting like everything's fine. Tracy suggested I retain this feeling for when that happens. I wish I had a mute button for him so I could pay attention to his actions instead of his words.

I also suspect the timing. Will he pay his debt? I hope he pays something, even if he can't pay for all of it. I would feel much less manipulated and abandoned and clichéd if he did. Whenever I would point out that he has given me nothing since June, he'd call me an asshole and say that he's paying me $1000 from his tax return. Taxes were filed in March. Suddenly he wants me to go away. (I have been trying to avoid him for several weeks, so why did he write to me?)

Why couldn't it be kind?

Let's see what Ani has to say:

Virtue is relative at best
There's nothing worse than a sunset
When you're driving due west
And I'm afraid that my love
Is gonna come up short
There is no "There, there."
I guess I'm scared, 'cause
I want to have good news to report
Every time I come up for air


The worst thing would be to feel like it wasn't true, that I'm "shipwrecked in a desert," to quote another Ani song. The thing is, I know it was true. Why I need him to validate that, I don't know. Most of the time he does, but when he sends his shitty missives, I feel like it was never real and I'm just holding some crumpled up piece of ribbon- the balloon is gone- and everyone wonders why I won't just throw the damn thing in the trash. "But wait," I say. "I could still use this, make something beautiful out of it..."

Well, last weekend I threw out a lot of ribbon.

Jennyway, so the librarian is here this week from Sacramento, teaching me all kinds of wonderful library things. It's only Tuesday, and my brain is overflowing. It's a good thing I can come home and whine write for a while with the door open, enjoying the breeze and the quiet with my animals.

Somebody my age sent out a feeler today, looking to find out my relationship status. Hmmm.

Oh, and for my moment of gratitude:

I have a lot that I'm grateful for these days, but today I am especially grateful that my mailbox lock was not the one that had peanut butter smeared on it.

Like a Light

Well, I did it- I made dinner! Of course, it's already 9:00 at night and I have another half hour to wait until I can eat, but hey, I made dinner!

This felt like a long weekend. Isn't that awesome? I went to a friend's house Friday night and cackled with her for a few hours. Saturday, I did NOTHING except watch Breaking Bad all day long. I got antsy around 6 and decided to tear everything out of my storage closet and make an unholy mess in the living room. That was after I took all the piles of paper off my desk, but didn't finish sorting/recycling/filing them. My couch is still half covered, and not in neat piles because 1) it's not a desk and we've all been lying on/sitting on it and 2) I had the slider open to enjoy the breeze.

This is exactly how I have always cleaned/organized. I remember being... 10? 12? I would pull absolutely everything out of my closet and make a giant mess in my already messy room, find something interesting and get distracted for about an hour, look up and get immediately overwhelmed, then wander off in search of something to eat. This time, I kept myself on track. I steered clear of the giant plastic bin crammed full of letters and cards and everything else even mildly sentimental that normal people throw out. I resisted my inner recycler and threw out piles of cassette cases instead of deciding that they would make lovely gift card holders. I threw out Chris's old bass strings that I once thought would make strange and lovely ribbon on a birthday present. Guitar strings, maybe, but not thick, heavy bass strings, but I kept them even after I learned this the hard way. (You are not Martha Stewart. Stop it.) I found feathers and mini beads and half a clay tool set, tapes from some stranger's college lectures (What?), unfinished art projects (There's an entire bin full.), including pictures. It would be possible to do something with them, except that some are on CD, some are stuck together, and some have wandered off, leaving only their negatives behind. I mentioned them to Dad, and he invited me to bring them with me during some future visit. He said he'd sort my pictures and I could sort his, which would probably be a lot faster and more productive than sorting our own. I envy people who complete photo albums.

I had a box full of old checkbook carbons back to 2006, mysterious computer cords, spare pieces to things I haven't seen in years, on and on and on. I was vicious and threw out a disintegrating basket and shitty still life drawings. I put the good ones away in a safer place, but why on earth did I keep every half finished vase sitting on a draped cloth?

I consolidated all my office supplies. Um...

This is just some of the stickies and notepads that are not already out on my desk. I can't help myself. I just like it all so much. When I see something neat or something on clearance, or god forbid- both, I think I could surely find a use for it. I keep it ALL. Maybe I need an office supply intervention. All I know is that someone is getting a letter soon that starts with "dearfuckface."

Here's what I've got AFTER the consolidation and purge:

Notice that my pen box does not say "PENIS." Remember, apostrophes have no place in plurals, or you'll end up with a box of penis.

I think I did a nice job overall. My storage closet looks all neat and tidy and would qualify for the express lane checkout. I have pared down further. Today felt much better once I made the thrift store run. Everything kept looking like a total disaster until it suddenly didn't. Dad swore I didn't have that much here in the first place and wondered what I could possibly be getting of rid of, but I was on the warpath. I walked the dogs with Jody this morning and got a couple grocery items, but mostly I was here, cleaning up my mess from yesterday. So yeah, kicked some closet butt AND made dinner. I had better get moving. Mini is tryin g to nap on my fingers and I still need to go put some dinner into single servings for the week and work on attaining dishpan hands.

I am feeling successful, positive, organized, and flipping exhausted.

Dinner was yummy.

Over and out.

Meta blog

Quick- crack a beer so you won't go out for dinner!

Whew... that was close. There were a couple of Red Robin gift certificates as prizes, and I sat there at dinnertime, not winning one, thinking, "Mmmm, Red Robin..." Well, crisis averted. I am heating up some turkey meatballs in spaghetti sauce for my garlic bread meatball sub. Whatever, it's less carbs than having pasta and bread. And by the way, Red Robin, who the hell thought a "bottomless basket of fries" was a good idea? But oh man, there is little I love more than going out to dinner.

I didn't win a damn thing, and neither did anyone at my table. Of course, we were rationing our bingo cards. The winners tended to have piles of used cards (and prizes) on their tables. What they paid in donations may very well have negated the worth of what they won, with the exception of the blackout bingo prizes. As Tee put it, the games got very tense towards the end. I put two cards on a flat screen TV and let her daughter mark one for me. Tee and her husband were kind hawks, making sure none of my numbers were missed. It was a fun kind of tension, and I think next year I will recruit some friends and involve alcohol and dinner.

So yes, I went to bingo. It was a fundraiser, if I haven't told you, for the Feline Rescue of Northern Nevada. That was my social activity for the weekend. I declined other offers (Hey! I had other offers!) and limited myself to one, because I was so tired from this last week. I am consoling myself with the idea that I have evenings open all week, so hopefully I will have the energy to do something besides lie on the couch watching Breaking Bad. (I cannot believe he just let Jane DIE! Ugh!)

I got my apartment half cleaned, so that's something, huh? Got my laundry done and... well, I think that's about it, but we are no longer working on perfection over here. We're in a "Whatever Works" phase- emphasis on the whatever. Today I went searching for a dog bowl and a birdfeeder, and found a fake key with a little knife tucked inside. This is where it shows up in the story and you forget about it until later on when it conveniently shows up and saves the day. It may seem irrelevant now, but I hate it when writers wait until they need it to explain how they got it, so I'm telling you now because it's sure to show up again at some point when I'm stuck in some dire situation. I don't want it to seem like I only came up with it then- I want you to believe that I knew where I was going from the start.

It's been a mellow Sunday. Earlier, someone called them Melancholy Sundays, and that feels appropriate. They often seem bittersweet with the "Dammit, tomorrow's Monday..." It's as if it's not worth having any fun at all. I spend my time these days feeling lonely, but right now I feel like it's an ok kind of lonely, like it'll be less lonely soon and I should just enjoy the time I have to myself.

Did I tell you that I lost four volunteers last week? Only one was an actual blaming me situation, and that one didn't really have that much to do with me, I think. The rest were just coincidental, but someone is going to be upset when she returns from vacation. I had my panicked/feeling horrible moments, and have moved forward from that, but I will need to remember that she will likely be quite alarmed to hear the news. Other than that, things at work will be fine. It feels so big- so much to do, so much to learn, so much to track, so much to promote and manage, but I am keeping my myself optimistic and pleased that I have such gentle chaos that keeps my work days flying by. That's much better than my daily countdown with my coworker: "Only 7 hours and 24 minutes to go!"

On a brighter note, I got flirted with... by someone my age! That is a feat, considering that I normally attract old guys. He was tall and kind of cute, although I could barely see him over the glare from his wedding ring. Boooooo. Gross, dude.

Due to stupid fucking circumstances and me being so quick to wear responsibilities that aren't really mine, I have Jasmine with me and may keep her indefinitely. Some of you will applaud that; some of you will think I'm insane. For now, it's fine. I took her to my trainer for an assessment, and I'm putting her in a class at the end of April. I'm looking forward to that. Since she's already well-trained in obedience (Picture me looking proud), the purpose for the class is to get her (me) better trained in approaching other dogs. My trainer talked extensively about how visible it is that Jasmine is not interested in actually eating other dogs, she is just completely unskilled in her approach. She explained how we would improve that: mainly by building my confidence. She giggled as she pointed out that I was trying to talk myself into it, saying things like "I think this will be good." and "I think we can do this." My goal is lofty: to have people change their minds about Pit Bulls when they see mine. I'm already proud of the training I've done with her and how I have taken care of her, but I want that whole package. I've got some good dogs here. Maybe things will change and she will go live with either one of her true owners, but if I am not going to allow constant upheaval in her world- especially if I suspect she is just going to end up coming back to me.

I have not heard a lot about Ant. I see occasional pictures on Facebook, but most people in the family seem to feel like he will flourish once he sees that he is surrounded by family, love, and stability. The way things are right now, it seems like he is in the best place- down in L.A., living with his uncle's family. I could not have taken him- I don't have that local circle or an equally invested significant other, and it would mean constant interaction with Chris, which even I agree is not the best plan for me. Instead, I can take care of Jasmine. She may be Ant's dog, but his current family unit has their hands full, as does Topaz. There are a lot of things in Ant's world that have not been ideal, but it's poised to get better for him. In the meantime, if there's one thing he knows he can count on, it's that Jasmine will be well taken care of with me.