That's what caffeine is for.

I woke up at 3am yesterday, too. This is going to get obnoxious quickly.

I can't figure out why I am waking up, but I bet I'll sleep after I finish writing this. It's 4:30, though, so I will not be happy when the alarm goes off.

Of course, most of it probably has to do with Riley.

Riley has an old lady bump on her hip. She's got lots of lumps and bumps, but she hasn't been chewing or scratching this one and it keeps bleeding. I took her in and the vet took some fluid out to check under the microscope. She came back and told me that this thing must come off ASAP, that it is no bueno. The appointment 8/12- I have to drop Riley off in the morning and leave her all day. I am concerned- you know how stressed out she gets- but they assured me that she will be drugged and won't notice.

I am trying not to think too much about this right now. I thought I'd wait to freak out until we get the results back about what stage it is. Of course, panic is leaking in. Yeah, I know, she's almost 14. But I feel like I've never been without her.

She's fine- she doesn't seem to be in any pain. The vet tells me she'll be ok, but...

We're just continuing on- nothing has changed. Riley seems to be in slow decline, but it's nothing awful or unexpected. She limps a little in the morning, her vision and hearing are not so great. I have to be careful, because it is really easy to sneak up on her. She likes to sleep near my bed, and prefers the floor to her many dog beds. She no longer hears me coming, so I have to look for her if I get up in the middle of the night. I also find her curled up right behind my feet if I stay in one place for too long.

So we're ok- we just went for a long, sniffing stroll last night and I can watch her easily without having to police Jasmine. I haven't heard much from Chris, and I think I'll have to take her back sometimes because I worry about her. I think if he gets too used to having her around, he will exercise her less, leave her alone more often... I think a shared situation would be best for her, but we'll see. I am never satisfied.

Last night, I had an awful dream that I went to Chris's house and found it full of people. They didn't care about what they were doing and the house was a disaster. The dishwasher was open, racks full of what were clean dishes now covered in sawdust. I recognized the pattern of dishes- I had been the last one to load the dishwasher. I found Chris downstairs, sitting with Jasmine, a friend, and a Pit Bull puppy. I lost my temper and gave him a yelling lecture, hands on hips and pointed finger. I yelled about the state of a perfectly nice house, the people flowing through, another dog he wasn't going to train, his lack of care for all of the above. I told him this was why we weren't together anymore. At this point, his friend got up off the couch, walked past me on his way upstairs and said, "And he gave you plenty of opportunities to leave."

I kept thinking about that dream today and how much it hurt. I have a terrible problem- I can't stand the thought of him living like that, and I can't fix it. I think he would protest- say that he doesn't live that way, but it's just a matter of perspective. To me, it looks like a scary mess. It doesn't feel that way to him, and maybe he's happier. I hope so. That dream was an accurate representation- not of what it was actually like to live with him, but what it felt like.

And yet... I miss him. He was like part of me. It's hard to write this and anticipate your response to it, to try to explain and justify it to you- make you understand. But I miss him like I would miss my right arm. Like I will miss Riley.


So we're coming up on 6:00 and another work day and my birthday and fall and I am surprised to find that the summer is mostly over and the kids are going back to school. I have been happily distracted since May, and the summer heat hasn't even phased me. It has been a weird summer with lots of storms and muggy weather and I'm just over here chugging along, wondering when I'm going to find time to write. In the middle of the night, apparently. I suspect I'll be able to sleep through tomorrow night now. Now that this is out, I want to sleep for hours and hours, but instead I'll get up and eat and shower and use my extra time to let Riley take her potty time unrushed.

Another relief is that I have music again. I'll spare you the story, but it has taken over a month to resolve my iPod issues. Sparky has been nipping at my heels lately- per my request- to get this done, and after much aggravation, my music is syncing again. When my technology doesn't just work, I go from zero to red zone pretty much immediately, and I hate that I handle it so poorly. It's different at my job, where I have people I can call whose job it is to fix such problems and I don't have to pay for it. This problem was extremely stressful, and causing me unavoidably incensed rage. I could only deal with it in tiny chunks, and vented a lot to Sparky. But last night I found the problem. I felt a tremendous amount of glee that 1) I was right- I DID need a new iPod, but as soon as the Apple store employees saw my laptop, they were convinced that was my problem and became extremely unhelpful. There isn't a thing wrong with my laptop, and I just proved that, snobs. 2) I got further by researching and resolving the problem myself, once I got the new iPod. 3) I didn't let them shake me off- I got comfortable on their uncomfortable stools until closing time and they gave up and replaced my iPod- as they should have done in the first place. 4) I have my music again. I feel such relief and release!

So, not enough sleep and stress and all, but whatever. I'm better now. Thanks for listening.

Chucking Cat

I have a cat vomit problem.

Solo has been an absolute vomiting machine lately, and it's to the point where if she was a computer, I would be slamming the mouse around and crying. My neighbor said to give her the hairball medicine, but Sparky suggested I talk to the people at his favorite pet store first.

The lady there suggested:

1) Elevating the food bowl with a phone book so the cat does not ingest so much air when eating (that then bubbles up as soon as they're done, bringing all the food with it

2) Buying food that the cat needs to chew rather than pate, which the cat sucks in like a vacuum, leading to the phenomenon apparently known in the cat world as "scarf and barf."

3) Adding a little bit of fish or coconut oil to the food, which should not only grease things down, but does something along the lines of more firmly securing the hair follicle, which means less hair for the hairball.

I have already switched to non-pate and raised the food bowl, and I have no vomit. I mean- this was a DAILY occurrence. As for the oil, I got a great deal on some fish oil capsules and have been working diligently to add them to her food, but so far all I get is a fish oil fountain. I have learned that fish oil is not some herbal euphemism- that's real fish oil in there. I can tell you that because I am wearing it. Last night I hosed my pajamas and half the kitchen. This morning, I sprayed the other half of the kitchen. I missed my clothes this time, but I can still smell it on my hands, even though I scrubbed my hands with a real lemon slice and endured the pain in my hangnails.

Sparky swears there is a way to do this without wearing it, and promises to show me. It had better be soon, because coming home to the smell of fish is not much better than coming home to a new vomit pile on the carpet... or my bed... or down the wall.

Kitty City

Sparky and I have been helping each other with home improvement projects. He's laying a concrete walkway in his backyard, and I wanted cat shelves. He put those up today.

I bought a bookshelf that he cut holes into and assembled. The top three shelves belong to Mini. He connected the shelves around the corner,

put a long walkway across the back wall, and added three steps down at the end. I'm going to put a short bookshelf over there, but for now, she can reach the couch. This is going to be my reading room. I got rid of the desk. :)

Here's the whole view now:

Who wants to be my cat in their next life?

Mini has investigated the shelves, and I think once everything calms down and I put some catnip up there like I had to on the first set, she'll be up there all the time. We have some finishing touches to go- bracing the bookshelves (which I never would have thought to do), painting the cut out parts, and Velcro-ing down some carpet pieces, and we have to add a ramp or a tiny step in the corner, but she has already been halfway up- jumping to that ledge between the bookshelves and playing there.

Excellent work, Sparky. This is awesome.

Who that, who that, M-I-N-I

All week I have been looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday... so at 5:37 am, Mini sits on top of the Sirius radio, making it turn on, mute, turn on, mute... to Iggy Azalea.

Last night, the guy and I went to Food Truck Friday. It took me a long time to decide, but I finally went with a cheeseburger from V Dub's Grub and it was goooooood. It was an excellent cheeseburger to welcome me back to solid food. Of course, my jaw was very tired, but that's because I haven't been chewing on much of anything for a week. After dinner, we went back and sampled some desserts- the weirdest of which was basil ice cream. Mmmmm? Mmm... ? Mmmmmmm... ?

I had the stitches taken out on Thursday. They had apparently already fallen out on the left side (and I don't remember seeing them during my salt water rinses, which means I swallowed them, EWWWWWWWW), so the dentist only had to cut and pull out the stitches on the right side. That felt so weird and awful and skeevy. I thought that would be the worst of it, but then he told me that he was going to poke around blindly on the left side to make sure no stitches were still in. THAT was not fun. He made commiserating noises and apologized, but uggghhhhh. I left with a most disturbing feeling on both sides, and it took a while for me to stop thinking about it and getting grossed out and upset. I had to call Tracy and tell her about it so we could both make skeeved out noises.

Yesterday I was running very late. Actually, I was struggling through this whole week. Wednesday, I only had my youth volunteer who is new, so all I could do all day was field questions and juggle. Thursday, I had a rough morning- got dog poop on my hand, forgot my wallet, dropped my Diet Coke... had to stop and actually say, "Waaahhhh!" before I could get my ass to work. But yesterday, I was running late and the Mission: Impossible theme was playing just as I was looking for parking, so I parallel parked like a totally efficient badass. Can you imagine my action movie? Hopping around on the sidewalk to avoid stepping on ants as I'm trying to rush into the building... finding an unattended bag that might be a veteran's, might be a bomb... having an increasing urgency to use the bathroom and being intercepted by multiple questions: "Excuse me, but where is physical therapy?" "Hi, I'd like to get signed up for My HealtheVet." or "I'm new. Can you explain the entire VA system to me?"  My day goes fast, that's for sure.

So now it's 6:46 and the cat has given up on asking me to feed her, so I feel like I can do that now. I spend all week training her to eat at 6, then she wants to do the same on the weekends, what gives? ;) Normally, I will just get up to feed her and go back to bed, but this 5:30 nonsense is going to stop. Iggy Azalea, Jesus.

One bite at a time

All my technology is failing at once, and I'm left with the quiet again. It's good, and it's helpful, but I can't stand it. I think I'm going to get rid of my desk and turn that corner into an actual place to read.

I broke up a half-finished puzzle today because it's too damn hard. I could make a rule and say I have to finish every puzzle I start, but I am not Amy and some of them are too damn hard. It's supposed to be fun, so fuck my rules. I'm running the dishwasher when it's half full and who says I have to keep the office furniture set together? I don't. I still feel like I should, but I don't have to. Practice tells me that it will feel better once I do it, much like the cassette tapes that I did not record onto CDs. It feels better that they're gone. My wisdom teeth are also finally gone. My dentist and his assistant told me about this woman who was crying over her wisdom teeth- wanted to hold them and spend a minute with them to say goodbye, as they had been through so much with her. I didn't feel like that at the time, and I sure as shit didn't want to hold them, but those have been waiting to come out for thirteen years, so I guess there are some feelings attached. It is weird to have something on your to do list for so long, feeling like it will always be there and suddenly it's just done and gone.

I went out looking for the ever elusive perfect to do list/planner and I can just see my therapist rolling her eyes. I YEARN to be organized, but she would remind me that it's all messy and good and I spend the time planning so that I don't have to actually do anything. This is true, and here it is, crawling towards 10pm and I'm ready to move furniture. I am going to chuck the desk and use my small, multi-purpose table that I rescued from the trash about seven years ago. When Eric, the photographer for the Reno News & Review came to take my picture for the 95 Word Fiction Contest, he asked to take a picture in my writing habitat and I couldn't allow it in that corner. It's too much of a mess, bad juju. I had him take the picture here instead.

 

They didn't use it, of course, but it's way better. I love everything in this picture. I have stolen this William Morris quote before, and I'll use it again:

 

 

If you want a golden rule that will fit everybody, this is it: Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.

 

Or, as Rachel and I have decided, it is ideally both. F'art, or functional art. I miss the chaos of school, I miss my changing schedule, I miss the challenges and deadlines that gave me beautiful things to decorate my home with. I love my taste, I love how my style is not predetermined- if I love it, it goes. I am finding my style in clothes and jewelry and such, and I have a good start with my lovely place, but you know I am dying to rearrange. I do love change.

 

Years ago I created a list of things I wanted my child to see or learn about. I put things on that list that I thought were obligatory- things I wanted to see because they are on everybody's mandatory life list. I am going to burn that list and start over. Well, I'll recycle it, anyway.

 



First things first. Tracy, please listen to John Saw That Number and tell me what kind of dancing it would be.

If I spent that $35 on a new class each month, I think I'd be a lot happier. I have treadmills at my apartment complex, and I think I need to get over my fear that someone is going to sneak up from behind and murder me. Also, I have a Wii, for crying out loud. It's time for classes, because it's going to take years to learn my job and I have to do a ton of shit besides just library things like be pestered for everything on earth and that's fine because it makes work go by fast.

This is a tough time, I think. I haven't had a bad moment in a long time and I knew it wouldn't last. This evening, Sparky came and picked me up and drove me to the store for premade mashed potatoes and didn't say a word about it, even though I know it went against his chef sense. They are premade, and nowhere near as good as the ones he made me, but they are edible and something other than pudding and applesauce. I keep chewing on something attached back there that is either stitches, a blood clot, or stuck food, but they warned me not to go fishing back there, just to do a warm saltwater rinse every time I eat, so I just push it off my teeth and continue on. Gross, but whatever.

I have been thinking lately about buying a house and a small child. I can't do that here, I know. Wild ideas are floating around, and I think I am going to just seize on them and try to find what makes me happy. I want to be surrounded by people and love, have a small house that's mine, with lots of green things and a warm glow.

I took the dogs for a walk tonight and felt very sad, listening to one cricket calling for a mate. I almost cried, but came back here and decided to write, knowing that it would make me feel better, and it did.

Now I just have to convince myself to go to bed instead of rearranging furniture.

Bad teefs banished

With apologies to Pablo Neruda, what keeps running through my mind is: the night is starry and he is not for me. My bastardizing of that line makes me think about the poem from her perspective.

Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines

Pablo Neruda (1924)

Tonight I can write the saddest lines. Write, for example, ‘The night is starry and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.’ The night wind revolves in the sky and sings. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. Through nights like this one I held her in my arms. I kissed her again and again under the endless sky. She loved me, sometimes I loved her too. How could one not have loved her great still eyes. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her. To hear the immense night, still more immense without her. And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture. What does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is starry and she is not with me. This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer. My heart looks for her, and she is not with me. The same night whitening the same trees. We, of that time, are no longer the same. I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing. Another’s. She will be another’s. As she was before my kisses. Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes. I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her. Love is so short, forgetting is so long. Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for her. Trans. W.S. Merwin Poem XX from Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair

In less cryptic news, I got my last two wisdom teeth pulled on Thursday. The first two were pulled back in 2001, just before I left the Air Force. My blood sugar crashed the night before that one, so I had to eat and couldn't get the anesthesia, so they couldn't pull the bottom two. They have been periodically driving me insane for the last thirteen years, but they were impacted, which meant oral surgery. Shortly after I moved into this apartment, I got a Groupon for xrays, exam, and cleaning from Kwong Dental Care and was very impressed with Dr. Kwong, and his confidence about being able to get the teeth without surgery. It took a while (and a raise) to get my money in order enough to be able to swing it, but Dad took over, saying that I had been working hard to get out of debt, and he didn't want me set further back.

So everything went well, except my motor skills.

 

I couldn't feel my lower lip, tongue, or chin, and so I had no idea that I'd missed. Pudding face. Today, Tracy told me I needed a smoothie, so Jody came and took me to Jamba Juice.

 

 

I've been mostly Percocet napping for the last couple days. Dad sent me a message earlier asking how I was today and my actual response was "Percovet napsxdctoda."

 

Lots of people have been texting and stopping by to check on me, feed me soup, walk the dogs... My coworker made me homemade chicken soup, and Paulette has been the ice pack police.



But that's it, the teeth are gone. And now I'm nauseated again, so it's time to put on Lord of the Rings and fall asleep.

Short blogs are better than none

Went to Wingfest yesterday with the cute boy. Apparently, wings are less than ideal when they are deep fried, so we searched out the grilled-onlies. Rosie's were fantastic, and I got wing sauce all over my face.

We also went over to Lane Bryant at Legend's (or are they plural?), where I found the same jeans I just ordered, only these were half price. Then we ate frozen yogurt. We had a really nice day together.

Right now I'm standing outside my building, waiting for Jody. We took the dogs out for a play date, and now we're going to try a new pizza place. Kaiden must be getting pretty used to me- he's normally shy, but today he was walking between us back to the car and holding onto his mom's hand, and he reached up to hold mine. :)