At least it's a short month

Well, this has been an interesting ride. One month later and my job is entirely different. This is good, though I wasn't sure for a while. It felt bad to lose the PERC and the people in it, but now I see that the countdown was already happening- I just didn't know about it. The partial view I had was prescribed for me. That feels like shit, of course, but luckily I had some good people looking out for my best interests. Not only did I not have all the info about what was coming, but the people are already scattering, and everything is changed. It was doomed anyway, and I really think if I had been kept there, I would probably be actively seeking another job. I find I am grateful to have been pulled.

But this news came in late November, and the move didn't happen until two months later. That was a long time to be in limbo, anticipating the change and trying to figure out how to prepare. Anxieties built, and come February I met what I can only describe as the id. I know we're all like that sometimes, but...

I have never before been very good at handling other people's behavior with calm deflection, but I got lots of practice this month. I only lost my temper once, which is one more than the acceptable amount, but me losing my temper is, as my friend put it, like an angry kitten, so it wasn't that bad. More importantly, I successfully incorporated some new strategies. Normally I'll wear whatever people try to put on me until I collapse under the weight. This time, when awful, stupid, and ridiculous things were thrown, I got to a point of calm deflection! Score!

Naming the problem as an id really helped me have less judgment about it. As my coworker said, you just have to set a place for it at the table. It's going to be there running its mouth, but I don't have to participate in the conversation. Good lesson.

Another lesson in this month came from the mess. It was a rough transition, which surprised me. (Sadly, I will never be a detective.) I've been going back and forth between my new and old places, unable to really finish anything in either place. I come home and don't have the energy to move. My apartment is a mess, my car is a mess, my desk is a mess. Today I started my day wanting to sweep everything onto the floor, but thankfully sometime in the past few days I realized that there has been a lot going on- no wonder I'm tired. If work hasn't been fun enough for the last there months, I have been dealing with a lot of Riley issues, which is heart wrenching and expensive. And then Elaine let me know that Ant ran away. He's near home, apparently, running with a group of similar idiots. He hasn't been to school in weeks. And no, he hasn't contacted me and yes, he knows where I live and how to reach me. Just...  maybe I wrote this already, but my first thought when I heard that- right after the shot of fear to the gut- was that I could have done better by him, that I should have remained a steady presence in his life no matter the cost, as if I could have prevented this.

But that's not mine to wear. And February had been a steeper hill than it looked. It's been messy and it's ok that I haven't been superhuman. I'm still doing a lot that I need to acknowledge. Like tonight- I got home with groceries at 9, spent an hour cutting vegetables and prepping food, another hour on my puzzle, and an hour writing. I'm happy with that.

I'm tired. But I got my schedule changed one day a week so I have no obstacles in the way of attending yoga. I went out grocery shopping at three stores tonight to get everything I need to eat at home. I am right now at my 3 year anniversary at the VA. I'll be cleaning up this weekend. I won't sweep everything onto the floor, but I may put it down calmly.

Like Son

I am going to have to redo this picture once Riley is done with her itchiness. She is on a steady dose of Benadryl and wearing a cone until she is healed up. I'm not sure if it's just the Benadryl or old dog stuff, but we don't get far when we walk these days, and all she wants to do is lie in my lap.

Ant has apparently decided to move in with his girlfriend, according to Elaine. He hasn't been at home or in school for two weeks. Elaine said Chris filed a missing person report, but suspects that Ant is nearby.

The first thing I felt was guilt.

While trying to calm Elaine down, I realized that Ant has probably 100 people he could go to for help. He knows where they live and he knows how to reach them. He knows how the rest of the family feels about Chris's actions in the last couple years, so he knows that if he did not want to return home, they would provide other options.

My feeling is that this is a choice. He has never liked being told what to do- he wants the freedom to decide for himself, and he ALWAYS takes the hard road. Chris has not helped, I know. I am painfully aware of that part. It has seemed to me for a long time that both of them were hell bent on Ant following his dad's path. I have also felt that Ant would go through may hard years between adolescence and early adulthood, but that he would come through it ok.

It took telling Elaine that Ant is not a 7 year old, and that he is not lost at sea for me to stop freaking out myself. It is NOT GOOD that he is gone, and I hope he is located soon, but he is choosing to do this.

Elaine was hoping Ant had contacted me, but of course he has not. He knows what I would say, what I would do. He told me once that he could hear my voice in his head, like his conscience.

I feel like maybe I could have been there more for him. Some of you say I have done more than necessary, but it's true that I have loosened my grip. He'll always be my kid, but my distance now is a combination of the breakup, self-preservation, and allowing him to be a teenager. And I think we all know that if Chris hadn't ended things, I'd still be in the trenches.

All I ever made Ant promise was that he'd graduate from high school and wait until his 20s to be a dad. He had bigger plans than that, of course. He wanted to go to UCSB. I hope he still gets to do that and all the other things that are hard and worth it. I hope he does make it through this time safely and emerges wiser. I will always be there to support him as much as I can, but on my terms, not anyone else's- including his.

Eat the whole elephant

It's Sunday night, so my brain is wired. I was researching Riley's skin bumps and realizing that she is me and the things she needs are the same things I need. I have all these plans in my mind about how to fix things for both of us. I feel like there's so much in the way, but I don't want to feel like that. I want to just burn through those things, forget about them, ignore them. I want to figure out how I can make a living without being gone so much. I remember reading a book that asked why we look and behave our best for people we don't care about that much, and we are tired and frumpy for the ones we love best- it's backwards. I want to spend my life enjoying my life, and part of that means figuring out how do I bypass the short term in favor of the long term. It was a rough time at work last week, and I spent way too much energy there. It would be much better for me to take this next week and treat it like what it is: a place to meet people, learn, and make money. It is not my priority and it should not occupy my thoughts as much as it does. I'm a little backwards at the moment, but you have to notice it before you can fix it. Noted. Now to fix it all at 10:30 on a Sunday night...

I'll have the Public Shaming special, please.

I put my name in at IHOP, affirm that I am a party of 1, go sit down. Another woman comes in, puts her name in: Jen. How many: 1. The hostess asks, "Are you with Jenny?"

"Uh, no."

"Oh my god, that's so weird! Someone else came in just now- also a Jen, also alone!"

The other Forever Alone Jen raised her eyebrows in a JesuscanIjusteatbreakfast kind of way.

I feel you, Jen.

How do you solve a problem like Maria's french fry addiction?

My PERC people came out tonight to say goodbye to me. We had a really fun night and nobody would let me buy anything. We had a showing of about 14, I think. I love these people, and I'm going to miss seeing them every day.

Like a chainsaw juggler in heavy traffic

This week's road is turning out to be much bumpier than I had first anticipated. It was so bumpy today that I fell out of my chair. I was scooting back and forth between my desk and my co coworker's- trying to accomplish many things quickly before the next interruption- and at one point I scooted and the chair did not. I actually just knelt down to check on what Riley was chewing on and wondered why my knee hurt. It hurts because I fell on it, and also did a number on my wrist. I ate like shit today, I need some fruit and a salad, I need a bath. The new boss for the PERC is returning tomorrow and she does not know what awaits her. We only found out Friday and she was already on vacation and nobody wanted to ruin her vacation. We're all expecting the shit to hit the fan tomorrow, but I do understand that this situation is not as big or important as it feels. There's always drama and things will eventually be fine and people will figure it out- I may understand it but it is so hard to keep that perspective from the the middle the middle of it. I have gotten a lot of compliments in the past few days at work. My fear is that no one will miss me- that they will say: What did we ever need her for? It feels really good that people seem alarmed that I am leaving. They tell me that they will miss me, that they will miss the environment I have created, they'll miss my capability, my organization, my knowledge, my management, my cleanliness, and my company. They promise to visit me and bring me Diet Cokes. They promise to invite me for lunch. They warn me that they'll call a lot with questions. They giggle about how often they ask me questions now. They can can tell when I'm just angry because I am sleep deprived or needing sugar. They know I like dark chocolate and silly sticky notes. They know that I am always half listening and can jump in with information when they are answering questions at the window. They giggle at me good-naturedly, and I do feel like I will be missed. I have invited a lot of the regulars out for a drink on Friday evening, and so far, not one person has said no.

The new place will be fine and it will be good and it will be bad and everything in between and I will like some people a lot more and I will like others a lot less and I will be in a different place and I will have to focus on what's good and try not to focus on what is sad or worse, but I do look forward to being able to focus. Today felt like trying to draw a portrait being while riding in the back of a pickup truck down a poorly maintained dirt road full of ruts. At 4:15, I had a contractor and a volunteer standing in the office asking me if I would like them to stay and help me finish something. I'm thinking I am going to go in early tomorrow because the only thing I desperately need is 20 minutes of silence. I'm trying to prepare a contingency plan for the person taking over because she's about to get hit with a shit storm. I know I cannot prepare adequately or prevent said shit storm, but my friends are taking over and I do not want them to be left with anything less than an reasonably oiled machine. I know I can't keep that place afloat for long and I have been informed that it is not my concern. I do not expect to be able to carry both places, but once everything is moved and the calls quiet down and all of my folders and sticky notes are put away and I am left with a quiet digital library, I am going to miss the hell out of that chaos.

To do: sleep

I've been up for an hour already. I wonder why I am not sleeping well lately.

Yesterday I took a half hour brisk walk for me and then brought Riley out for a two hour meander. We enjoyed the time outside and mostly just sat in the sunshine. We saw our neighbors on their way to walk the hill with their dogs and I felt sad that Riley is not as interested in such trips anymore. As it was, I carried her the last half block. I'm telling you- I'm going to end up getting a dog stroller no matter how stupid it looks. I'd love to be able to get my exercise walk in with my Riley walk instead of choosing one over the other. Crazy cat lady, crazy dog lady, or just plain crazy lady.

It's too late now to go back to sleep, and later I'm going to pine for my bed.

I have been ignoring the dating website, but I will venture back in. I got word at work on Friday that my move is the 30th, so I'll be leaving my post in Chaos Central for a quiet cubicle in one of the standalone buildings. I'm very sad about leaving my new found family. There's no word on the one I applied for yet, so I'll go pester HR today. I don't know which one to hope for, honestly, but Dad said to just envision the things I want, like working with good folks, a boss that supports me and demands high standards, an environment that encourages creativity and promotion, a situation that fosters healthy decisions... envision these things and let the rest go, as the universe is still sorting things out.

I'm having an easier time with that lately. My to do lists are less insane, or if they are not, I understand that they are only suggestions of what I COULD do. This weekend felt productive and full even though I did not check off my whole list, or even half.

My alarm just went off, so it's time to start my week. Of course, now I feel ready to sleep.