I have faith... but sometimes I get really annoyed at being alone. Sometimes it's a fear of slipping in the bathtub or a diabetic coma. Sometimes it's because I have watched too many thrillers or FBI Files. Sometimes it's that I'm tired of the constant upkeep- there's nobody else to get groceries or make dinner or take the dogs out. Nobody ever just shows up having washed the car. Wasn't it Bridget Jones who referred to smug marrieds?
I'm all bitter because I forgot I agreed to go to something, I look like an asshole, I look like an even bigger asshole because I haven't gone to any of these things, because I always find a reason, because I... well... I think this is envy and introversion. And right now I feel socialized out. I always have a good time (eventually), but it is so hard to go. The amount of stress I feel at having to go find some place downtown, find parking that feels reasonably safe, then go try to act normal among 10-20 people that I don't know overwhelms me. It is so much easier to do that stuff with someone else. The danger is that you don't socialize with other people then, I get it. I'm not saying I don't do this or don't recognize the importance- I just find it unbelievably stressful.
When I went to the nightclub last Friday, it was with a friend, and we met another friend there. It was a fundraiser for my old coworker's football team. She was there with her fiancee, and I've met a few of their teammates enough to know their names, but when I attend those things alone, I try to do what I can, but often end up standing around awkwardly.
Tomorrow I'm going to celebrate the 4th with a friend from UNR and her friends that I have hung out with a lot in the past several years. Sunday, Amanda and Natalia are coming over for dinner. This is going to be about all the socialization I can stand. Even if I had remembered the event tonight, I would not have been able to go. To me, that reminder tonight was like rotating red flashing beacons. Sorry, but that is a hell no.
At work this week, the DiSC assessment came up. J did not believe I was a D. I pulled up my results to show him, and he said he would have thought I'd be more of an SI- the exact opposite of what my results were. We talked a bit about it- there are things I think that have had an impact- but what it is making me realize is that nobody here- not my friends, not my coworkers, certainly not my neighbors- knows me really well. Chris did, Ant did, Mike & Elaine... maybe that's part of why they are still so important to me. I told J that while I am missing some confidence, I am also surrounded by people at work who are very confident and used to leading. I thought of this class I took- I was put in a group with J and my boss. We were given some information to present, and they were so in tune with each other that they just decided what they were doing and put me into some narrator role. The suggestions I offered were almost blown off, and I promise you they weren't aware of what they were doing. I kept championing this one suggestion I'd made, and not only did it make it into the final presentation, but the class found it to be pivotal.
I didn't give that example to J, but I did point out that if I'm a room with people like him and my boss, there's no room for other ringleaders. When I see the need for a driver, I drive. I like to drive, but I am not the kind of person who needs to be the driver no matter what. I think those of you who know me best know that. I think you'd be suprised at how I think my friends here see me. Maybe I'm wrong. I wasn't wrong with Jenea, though. She didn't like who I actually am. I'm trying to show my authentic self as much as possible, but as I've said before, I had no idea how private I actually am. No, not private. I'm like Chunk in the Goonies. I'll tell you everything back to the third grade. Introverted- that's true, but more than that I think it's that I try hard to keep my mouth shut when I think somebody's being an idiot or an asshole. I won't tell you that. If I do, you are in my innermost circle. I try to keep the sugar coating crystallized for everyone else, though, because apparently politeness is more important to me than honesty. Or maybe I just don't trust anyone. Do we all wind up with trust issues?
In tennis, in managing my diabetes, at work, and maybe in friendships too, I'm hearing echoes of the same message: I do know what I'm doing, and I do not need to assign myself to the backseat. Maybe it's just time that- thank you, Incubus- I hold my own and drive.
