Christmas

I just ate the most delicious lunch. Amanda sent me home with some roast beef last night and I stopped in at Sarah's on the way home and she gave me some homemade mac and cheese and good grief those two items were delicious. I had to counter it with some salad, but daaaaaaang that was yummy.

I started reading this book again:

I haven't read it in many, many years, and it is in my all time top 5. As soon as I started reading, I wondered if it isn't my #1, but I guess I'd have to reread all my favorites to figure that out. I ordered this a while ago in hard copy, which is odd for me lately, because I've been doing most of my reading by listening. I feel too busy to sit and read, though I can do it if the book sucks me in. It's hard to figure out what books are going to do that, and I am trying to meet my Goodreads goal- only two left. Something interesting I realized as I started reading this was that this book is the writing style I love best and one I think I try to emulate. It's honest and clean, with neat details and observations. I know I found this when I was younger, but I can't remember if it was while in high school or the military.

I have all these things in mind that I want to do, and I keep thinking I've got the time to do it eventually, but when the hell did I get to be 38? So I sat down and wrote several pages of my book. I have this ridiculous expectation that I will write 3-4 pages a day in this new year, because I've done the math, and Stephen King says the first draft of any novel should take no more than three months. Of course, that's what works for him, and I think that excludes research or revision, but it is a handy guideline to try to get the thoughts down, at least. More will come up during that research and revision process, but to get it down is the main obstacle for me. I tried to take the spirit of his advice and not reread what I've written already or try to spend time editing as I wrote. Just capture all directions as much as possible so that later, I'll know what the hell I was talking about and can clean it up then.

Christmas was lovely, and I got all kinds of wonderful and thoughtful gifts. I ate a delicious breakfast cooked in my new cast iron frying pan, and talked with family while opening gifts. Around 1, I made a mad dash to clean up and get things ready. I dropped off a little gift for a friend at the far south end of town, then stopped in at a Sarah's house to exchange gifts, then up to another A & N's for dinner. It was a really nice day and now I'm struggling to find motivation to clean and maybe even leave the house.

For bacon's sake

I stopped at Winco last night for bacon and bread because even though I already bought my groceries for the week so I wouldn't have to go back, there was that one inevitable last trip. Also, yesterday I ate the bacon I was supposed to save for today. It's always interesting to see the stores packed when they're going to be closed for one day. It's one day! We have things pretty good.

So I go to the deli and ask for two pieces of bacon and the nice woman there says, "Oh, what are you making?"
"...bacon..."

Maybe it's because I'm ordering two slices and not a pound. The dietitian told me years ago to order lunchmeat from the deli because it has less preservatives, but I've found that also lets me order exactly what I need. I am working hard on buying what I'm able to eat. And it's cheaper. I buy 36 cents worth of salami. You should see my bulk seasoning purchases. Sometimes they're so light the cashier has trouble ringing them up. That'll be 12 cents.

I meant to do a lot more baking and arranging playlists, but it looks like those will be surprise gifts when I get to them. I got out a few Christmas cards this year though, hey! I'm still lying in bed, thinking about this year. It's hard not to take stock of the negative things, especially since everyone seems to agree that 2016 was a dumpster fire. Things that happened this year feel both recent and ancient. I miss my sweet girl. I finished the training and can start volunteering to walk dogs now. I am still holding at my weight, but the massage therapist says I'm developing biceps. My friend was working with a personal trainer who told her to expect to gain weight from muscle before losing weight from fat, which is both a depressing and encouraging thought. People have constantly been asking me if I'm losing weight, so I guess I have to trust that tennis is working. Yoga with my coworker stopped with Riley's infirmity, and I think I would like to pick that back up on my own. It helps so much. There are plenty of good things to be grateful for, and lots of work ahead of me. This year I'll be working on three different leadership programs, visiting Virginia, and hopefully trying out lots of new crazy things. I can't tell you about them until I do them.

I bought Solo a few Christmas presents, and we are about to eat some breakfast and open presents together. I'll talk with the family and I can't wait to hear some reactions to things I sent. I don't expect to see Ant today, but we'll get together this week to have our Christmas and birthday celebrations. He turned 18 on Wednesday. This afternoon I'll stop by Sarah's, then join Amanda and Nataliia for dinner. After that, I'll drive around to look at Christmas lights and listen to a homemade cd of Christmas music I can actually stand. I'm off tomorrow and I'm going to sleep in, vacuum, do a puzzle, and play tennis. I'll ask Sarah to put a new sensor on me today and I'll finish listening to Gilgamesh and finish watching The Fall and head into the new year with energy and love and do my part to ensure that Trump doesn't destroy the planet. I wish you all love, energy, strength, and an amazing new year.

Cold and joggy

Mini wakes up and winces at me every time I move. Tonight was tennis, and the courts were almost dry even though there was snow this morning. I had two juice boxes and a granola bar at tennis, plus cheese and crackers and chocolate before I even left. Still haven't given myself a bolus for it, and I stopped at In & Out for a double double. I bypassed the bucket o' fries and ate the burger at home with some fresh steamed broccoli, thank you very much.

It was a good lesson. On Monday, we forgot to rewind the lights, so we had to wait for about 10 or 15 minutes in the dark while they reset. It was way too cold to stand still, so my coach kept us running around doing drills. We also jogged. I confessed that it was the most I'd jogged since tech school and asked if we could incorporate that into every lesson. We made two loops that night, and tonight he pushed me for three. Dammit, but ok.

I just finished listening to the first Game of Thrones book. It definitely had me hooked, but I did find myself asking the same questions I ask every time I think about war. I know I'll want to listen to the next one, but not yet, because I need a shorter, happier book in betwen. At least.

Ma, I love how the cubby and the round table look. Thanks for your help on those! And after a couple misfires, I did find a plate holder to display the mask Ant made.

Ant's moving back in with Chris. He seems happy about that, so I will be encouraging. He still comes to have dinner here, just not as often as I'd like. He is busy and I am busy, but there are worse things.

I have grand plans for baking and putting up my tree, but I am busy running around and that's the part I see as potentially derailing me. I definitely want to get the tree up in time to enjoy it.

It did snow last night and it was beautiful! I'm happy I live so close to work- it sounds like a lot of people had trouble this morning.

Oh, and in other ridiculous diabetes news, I have been wearing the sensor almost regularly. I need help to put it on and Ant's visits are not regular enough, so I pester Sarah. I try to have it on for my tennis lessons so I can avoid situations like tonight, but sometimes I just can't keep my blood sugar up. An unexpected complication happened when I was getting ready to go play. I put on a tank under a longsleeve shirt, then put on a pullover and my jacket. I checked my pump and found that the sensor had a weak signal. The damn receiver was blocked by too many layers of clothing. Sigh...
I changed to a lighter pullover and that fixed the problem, but seriously, there is always some ridiculous challenge lurking. This thing can read the signal from 6 feet away, but not through a body part, or even three layers of clothing! Don't be a diabetic in the cold, guys. And every night its alarm jangles me awake, telling me the signal is weak or lost altogether. I'm considering running the tubing up and wearing the pump in an arm band right next to the sensor so that it has no more excuses. I am a side sleeper, and no matter which side, I lose the signal. Sheesh.

But! I have good news to share too.
1) I told my coach I squirm when people ask if I play tennis, because I take lessons- I don't meet up to just play very often. He said I should tell them I play. "Oh, you definitely a tennis player," he said, and that felt very nice. Tonight was good- I was hitting well and hard, and he is making a tennis player out of me, despite diabeetus and my occasional clumsiness. Tonight I actually stepped on my own shoe. But I also put some spin on the ball, kept it low over the net, and returned some hard shots.
2) My massage therapist (dammit, Tracy) told me I am developing biceps! WHAAA!?!?!

Discombobulator

Mom came for a short visit a couple weeks ago. We kept it low key but still managed to fit plenty in, and I subjected her to a tennis lesson, dinner with friends, and a meeting with my mentor. We walked around downtown and checked out the art museum, went out for dinner, lunch, breakfast, froyo, iced tea, and groceries. She made the most delicious meal I have eaten in memory- baked chicken, roasted squash and carrots, and steamed fresh green beans. I threw in a couple frozen wheat rolls.

Tonight I tried making that meal on my own, seasoning the chicken ahead of time and roasting delicata squash instead of the one she made. I sliced the squash too thin or cooked it too long, but I like the crispy ones anyway. My meal was not ready together, so I ate at the counter while working on the next part and doing dishes- jesus god, so many dishes- but I cooked and even roasted the squash seeds and found that yep, they are tasty and I will eat those.

I bought my few groceries at Trader Joe's and I can't wait to try roasted Brussels sprouts. I bought more of the dang apples she loves so much and felt like maybe I can cook and eat more produce after all.

I barely left the apartment this weekend- I was struck down with the curse and was too in pain to go anywhere. I started listening to the first Game of Thrones book and I am burning through it. It's nice to be sucked into a book. Feels like it doesn't happen often enough.

I'm ready for tomorrow and the rest of the week but ready for a change. I feel bored. I got the word that I made it into the next level of the leadership programs, and that is going to have me very busy, plus there is a lot of baking I'd like to do. But you know... that's not the kind of excitement I want. But oh well. I'm going to have to take care of what's in front of me.

I got my new tennis shoes again- had to exchange them for a smaller size. I definitely should have tried them on somewhere first.

Alright, that's about as constructed as this one's gonna get.

Friendsgiving 2016

Yesterday was a nice day. I spent the morning cleaning up and doing laundry, then talked to Tracy and Dad before heading over to Sarah’s. I noticed my neighbor’s truck was still there- I would have expected him to be with his family by late afternoon, so I texted to see what he was doing. Turns out, his family canceled their plans, so I invited him and his daughter along with us. Alonso was still in town too, and planned to meet us there.

Sarah and I had already reviewed the menus- every restaurant in the casino had a different one. We picked the one with gruyere green beans. They had a two hour wait, but they took our phone number instead of us having to wait in line, so we ran off to the arcade. I had never played Mario Kart before, but I won a few rounds! The wait turned out to be only about an hour fifteen, and we wandered back over. It was a nice buffet line- lots of fancy yet yummy food- and there was no road rage. The staff was hopping but very helpful, and they kept the trays full. There was an entire dessert room full of very pretty things, and they even had a sugar free chocolate cake because they don’t know any better. (The carbs will be the same, it will taste worse, AND it will cause a laxative effect.)

I do like hosting Thanksgiving, and I also like spending it with family or friends at someone’s home, but this was nice, easy, and affordable, we were stuffed, and we had no dishes to do nor leftovers to wrangle. We enjoyed each other’s company, and everybody had a good time. Even better, politics didn’t come up once.

 

 

 

 

I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving! 

 

Let go and let dog (I do apologize for that title, though.)

I am finally starting to feel like I have my shit together again. I miss my dog. I miss her a lot. It's still hard to connect how I've been feeling to her loss, but I'll have these pangs when I see someone with their dog. I do think I'm gone too much and I know I would have to change my life a lot to take care of a dog- it's not fair to be gone that much in addition to 40+ hours a week. Mini's bored, and she climbs in my lap every chance she gets.

I got rid of a lot of things recently because Mom came to visit and I asked her to help me organize. I didn't think that meant purge, but I am grateful for her sharp eye- I really am. Sarah asked me later when I had last done a purge like that and I really don't think I have since I moved in. I have a lot of sentimental or obligatory attachment to things I own, and sometimes that is not as necessary as I believe.

I got a little frustrated about the dog bed, because I have given away FIVE other beds, and I was just not able to get rid of Riley's sofa bed. That kind is really hard to find- not just foam, but thick foam with big bumpers- AND I got it for a great deal. It was my favorite and hers, and I couldn't bear to donate it to someone who might not take care of it, or to a shelter or a puppy because I didn't want it peed on or otherwise destroyed. I need this one to be loved. Most of my friends have more than one dog and most are too big, and besides, if I see it, I will either be sad or judgmental. I did feel like I would know when it was the right time and place, and last night I was talking with my coach about my reaction to the urging to get rid of it, and I think it might need to go to his dog.

Writing that just made me sob. Even so, I know that doesn't necessarily mean I'm wrong. My coach was very kind and polite, but it did feel right, so he said we could just do a trial so I didn't have to commit to anything. I think it probably has a new home, and it's not that it feels wrong, it just fucking hurts to let more of her go. Today I found a vet bill and realized I can probably get rid of everything in her file, and the brakes came right on. Nope! Not yet. There's a folder full of memories.

This fall, I have been watching the leaves as they turned colors, fell, dried out, were trod into pieces and absorbed into the earth. I think about Riley like this and that feels ok. Today I was realizing that if she had been asked, I think she would have wanted to go. She was old, she was tired, and her body was falling apart quickly. Again, I'm lucky in the way it went, because she wasn't uncomfortable for long, and she seemed more tired than in pain.

I came here to write about starting to get my shit together again, and I'm very happy about that, because I have been feeling like the worst mess- embarrassing and awful. It makes sense that my life should be suddenly so off-kilter, and that it would take time to figure out this new balance.

I took the pile to the thrift store on Sunday, and the night before I had the most terrible nightmare. I was in an apartment with a roommate, packing my things. The roommate was going to stay and take over the rent, and things were calm- moving was a good thing. I was walking past the bathroom and saw Chris in there, standing just out of the way to avoid being seen, but nonchalantly enough that he could deny hiding. In thinking about this dream later, I saw that this was the layout of my apartment- this was MY apartment- and the roommate was a friend of Chris's, as they all were.

I asked him what he was doing, as he wasn't supposed to be there at that time, and his answer was patently indirect. I realized that I was being broken up with, and just became ENRAGED because this wasn't the past- I was being broken up with AGAIN. Somehow I had gone through all that, lived on my own for years, gotten sucked back in and had put blinders back on along the way and found myself in the exact same place. I had surely lost so much already just going back to him and I was going to lose everything else again. This whole time had been for nothing.

I don't think that was about Chris. No worries there. The rage and powerless feelings were so bad in that dream that I woke up and my heart was pounding. Those feelings were a regular thing in those last couple years, and I'm not sure how I managed my daily life like that.

I felt like it had more to do with dating in general, and the vulnerability I'm feeling. I still don't believe anybody. Sarah thought it was about letting so much go, especially with how much emotion I had tied to those things, and especially if I hadn't purged that much since I moved out of his place and into mine. There were things in that pile that I have owned for many, many years. It made so much immediate sense, but today I found yet another connection to Riley and just loss overall. It reminds me of this quote I read recently about having smaller meltdowns more often instead of big meltdowns rarely.

I'm sorry if you're tired of reading about Riley. I really am. But I'm also tired of apologizing, not that anyone is asking me to. I've got to write more often to find my connections and process, and I don't want that to just be while I'm in recovery mode.

I keep a list of the things I do throughout the year to remind myself of the neat things I've tried or the fun places I went. This year, two other important events made the list: Ant left, and Riley died.

Let me pause to take a few deep breaths.

It's ok to be right where I am- it's better than ok. And my friends are more than happy to loan me their dogs, and when they do, they'll bring the food and the bed and the favorite toy.

It does feel better to be lighter, it's just really hard to let go.

Photo blog

Tracy said I didn't post a picture of the sensor, so here it is. The receiver is the clamshell looking thing, and the sensor is what it's attached to. What looks like a cord is just a wrinkle in the adhesive. And that adhesive is some serious stuff. I wanted to stab myself in the eyeballs when it came time to pull that off. Anyway, it's very discreet, right? Understanding how much of a pain in the ass this is should really help to illustrate how helpful it must be.

Sardine socks at H&M! Sardine socks that I actually didn't buy, can you believe that?

This is my new puzzle, and while I do think it looks pretty, this photo is more of a pointed look at the previous owner.

We've been having all these crazy storms and lots of rain and it's amazing I get anywhere with all the earthworm rescuing I've been doing, but Friday it was so pretty out with all these clouds getting tangled up on the mountains and the colors everywhere were just brilliant.

Speaking of colors, here are some of the peppers for sale at Lattin Farms. I went out there with friends to do the corn maze, which was amazing.

We started the maze just as it was getting dark, and it was so much fun. You could see just in front of you- enough to tell where the corn was and where the path was, and sometimes there was enough light to see where the mud was. Otherwise you had to listen for the squelch of someone else's shoes or sink in it yourself. I'm sure if there were less people there and I was touring the maze myself, I would be having visions of Signs, but instead it was just really fun with the slightest touch of creepy, so we had fun trying to scare each other. The corn was tall in most of the maze, and it was big and disorienting, with lots of loops. We could only tell if we were at the edge by the lack of corn in the distance, and no one had any idea where we were going. Different people led the way, and steered by interest alone. I led for a while, and rarely has it felt that free and easy to make a decision. By far, my favorite part was looking up. The silhouettes of the tops of the corn created a new horizon, and above that were only stars. 

I do not think this was the shape of the maze, but it certainly could have been, for all I could tell. I have a reasonable sense of direction, but that seemed useless for everyone. I did stand here and study this for a while, but determined that it is not an accurate rendering. We did get a map, but no one bothered with it.

We had just collected everyone at this point when I was taking pictures of all the weird vegetables I could find in the remaining light. 

I was fascinated by the pumpkin tree. Four sides, probably 10-12 feet wide at the bottom, and completely loaded with carved pumpkins. I didn't get to wander around as much as I would have liked before it got dark, but I intend to make this a yearly tradition. It was so neat.

My parting gift. Thank you, Lattin Farms!