Lately, the focus in the apprentice class has been on
studying personality types. The idea is
to learn how to identify these types and get along with each other better. While reading about the different types, I
(rather unintentionally) identified Chris and I can see why we had a lot of the
problems that we did. It makes me
realize that I am not going to want that type in the long run. The type that’s ideal for him is one that
does even more mothering and putting up with shit than I did- can you
imagine? By definition, people like him
do what they want when they want. There
were all these other horrible little details too, like how they like hobbies
that need a lot of gear. And, of course,
they can become experts at anything they can get their hands on, they are
impulsive, can’t stand being confined or obligated, and live on their
charm. They are generous to a fault,
driven to action, and open to change, but in a relationship, their partner must
be capable of allowing them this total freedom and capable of living in what
will forever be feast or famine.
The researchers are quick to say that any combination of
personalities can have a successful relationship, but that there are two major
tendencies in relationships: Artisans (Chris) and Guardians, and Idealists (me)
and Rationals. Guardians are most
prevalent, Artisans next, then Idealists, then
Rationals. This is depressing news. At first, I thought I would need a Guardian,
because they believe in traditions and are loyal. At this moment in my life, I would welcome
someone faithful who believed in romantic gestures. But Guardians can also get very stuck on
tradition and keeping things exactly the same, and I can’t see that being
entirely a good thing forever. We
Idealists have grand notions of love- we are looking for a soulmate, and
Artisans are playmates. Guardians are
helpmates. Rationals, though, are mindmates. Eh?
Eh? I am supposedly best aligned
with a Rational. The first word used to
describe them as mates is loyal- I’ll take it!
But they also “don’t give much attention to romance.” Shit.
What makes it worse is that they are the rarest of personality
types! How will I even find one, let
alone enough to find one that fits, especially when I’m an introvert! I know, I know, slow the train down.
Oh, and in the section titled “We Can Work It Out,” it
explains that Idealists with Idealists can become “narrowly devoted to the
inner journey and tire themselves out” AND that they “can begin to invade each
other’s psychic privacy.” HA!
You may roll your eyes and skip over this part, but here’s
what it says about Idealist and Artisan:
Strength: Idealists and Artisans, while exactly opposite in
both dimensions of Saying and Doing, can still have a lot of fun together. Idealists love Artisan spontaneity, the way
they live so instinctively and artfully in the moment. Also the courage and generosity of Artisans
can fire the imagination of Idealists, who often will project onto Artisans
their own romantic image of the principled leader or soulful artist. (Shut up.)
Artisans, in turn, feel close to the enthusiasm and passion of
Idealists, so much (at least on the surface) like their own excitability and
sensuality.
Weakness: Artisan fun and games rarely keep Idealists
satisfied for long in a marriage. They
typically want more than a playmate in life, and they’ll attempt to lead their what is Artisan mate into the deeper
waters of what if, particularly
toward an exploration of personal development.
Unfortunately, most Artisans have little interest in discussing their
inner life or spiritual growth. So when
Idealists ask them about “self-realization,” “higher consciousness,” or “spiritual
awakening,” Artisans rarely understand what they’re talking about, and can
actually feel put down for being merely physical.
Well.
I keep thinking about this, asking WHY it went on for so
long. I know why I stayed, and not just
because of Ant, though he became a huge part of it. But I get so mad that he went along with it
for so long when it was clearly not what he wanted. He is always quick to point out the
tremendous amount of love, and maybe the time shows how hard he tried. He knows his behavior was terrible, but he
kept coming back and earnestly committing himself to us. I believed it then and I see now through the
personality traits that he really did mean it- at the time. But he is impulsive, and the lure of fun or
temptation or excitement is just too much to resist. That makes me so sad as my little Idealist
self over here, believing in forever love.
I think this personality stuff has been so insightful, but it has made
me sad. These weren’t mistakes or
correctable choices- these were just parts of our core selves. That there can be love in spite of that seems
so hideously unfair.
This morning I tried to recall the five stages of grief,
wondering where I am. I know I’ve been
angry, I know I have suffered denial and bargaining… ah, depression. Great.
Hurry up and get here, Tracy. We
need to go have some fun, though I can’t promise I won’t occasionally cry. I feel the tears welling up and they will
probably spill over shortly, though that will probably happen tonight if not
sooner.
You know what the worst thing is? I want sadness and devastation and remorse
from him, just to know it meant to him what it meant to me, and after reading
all this about personality… ugh. Tears.
