Maybe less plants, but definitely not a storage area for half finished home improvement projects.

The thing I like about this puzzle is that it makes me think about what I want my house to look like. I doubt I could keep that many plants alive, and I can do without the doll, but doesn't it look like a great place to drink some iced tea and read a book? And of course, work on a puzzle with lots of kitty interruptions.

I went out last night with my friend Lena, her husband, and his friend. We went to the batting cages, and would you believe I hit probably half of the softball pitches? Something stuck, or maybe tennis is helping. So the guys wanted to try the 65 mph baseball pitches, and each tried a round or two, then urged me in. I hit none of those, but they said I got very close. I swung at some baseball pitches!

I also got very drunk at our next stop, which was a bar with pool tables. We played cutthroat and I won one game, but the beer and fun conversation took over and Lena's husband creamed us for the next three games. I had a fantastic time and Lena drove all us drunkies home. That last beer was a 10% called Dirty Wookie. It knocked me on my ass, but I still got up this morning and met my friend for yoga at 9, picked up my car, practiced tennis for an hour and a half, returned to the bar to retrieve my bank card (No, future self, you do not want to start a tab.), and finished the lovely puzzle below. Now it's forced editing time, and setting up the laptop in my room so I can watch Trainwreck tomorrow morning instead of accomplishing anything. I think the hangover is just catching up with me now.

I think I included a picture the other day of mustache bookmarks and Ant's note to me. Those moments make me happy, and remind me of who he is under the always occupying, aggravating teenager layer.

Not enough hours in the day. And tomorrow's evening will be occupied, which will be fun, but I will also mourn my quiet time. I feel like I don't have much of that anymore, and I keep thinking I'll schedule nothing for a weekend just so I can lie on the couch and watch some movies, but I never do. This is better, though. I had a lot of fun last night. :)

Break open in case of police report

Some mornings, you drop the kleenex box in the dog's water bowl, and you get a good sense of what's coming.

You're late and you don't accomplish much, and just looking at your desk makes you wonder if it's too late to call in sick.

Your hair is stringy and staticky and the combination of your too-short pants and your Hugh Hefner loafers and socks that only match your imagination make you look and feel like a grandpa.

It's not the worst day, just a mulligan. You come home looking forward to an hour of peace before meeting a friend and innocently decide to check the mail.

Suddenly feel the presence of a mentally unhinged person walking behind you. You do not turn around, but keep them in your peripheral view. You hear a mumbled word. Another. You toss out the trash you've been carrying and recognize the mumbler. It's the woman that hates you, and her face is twisted in the familiar way it looks when she sees you. In three years, you have yet to determine why. You decide- as usual- to give her a wide berth, since friendliness failed years ago, and confrontation is not your forte.

"Bitch," she snarls. "Bitch."

You bypass the mail and head home, trying to concede space to the spitty old neighborhood cat.

"BITCH. BITCH." she sputters.

You note the lisp in her voice and wonder if she's deaf.

"BITCH!"

Then you stop and turn, and simply stand your ground. Not challenging forward, not retreating back. You can hear her walking back from the mailboxes behind the cars. You wait.

"BITCH! FUCKING BITCH!"

She sees you looking at her, and quickly looks down.

"Bitch," she mutters again, and continues her angry march home. You stay put, watching until she's out of sight.

The messed up eye is already asleep

I feel so discombobulated. I've been taking too many road trips and juggling and the laundry piled up thanks to the missing quarter problem and I feel like I need a boring weekend so I can do some chores and take a damn nap.

Tonight I played an hour of tennis and reheated lasagna for dinner. Afterwards, Ant offered a deal: "Will you do the dishes if I unload the dishwasher?" Deal. He showed me that he had already washed the lasagna pan as requested, and added "...but I need to wash that again because I disagree with the job I did..."

Today, Chris met up with me to get the one form we're missing for our guardianship agreement. We talked a lot about Ant and his plans. That was good, and hopefully I already told you about the woman at the free legal clinic and how awesome she is and how I'm sure she's got better things to do than write documents for former stepmothers, even ones who were veterans.

Just before I pass out and drop the phone, I want to tell you this piece that cracked me up. I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, Risk, and this episode was a live show. Kevin, the host, was doing one his fantastic transitions between stories and said sometimes people take pictures during the show and tweet them. He said sometimes he sees them while he's backstage during a story and thinks, "What the fuck am I wearing?"

I ask myself that question often, and I love that his revelation doesn't come years or weeks later- it's immediate. Then he said the New York Post wrote this about him: Kevin Allison got the queer, just not the eye.

Speaking of eyes, mine is all fucked up again. I am starting to wonder if it's stress induced. Jennyway.

More Musings

He swears he's on board, so we shall see. I don't expect that our situation will last forever or even through high school- he wants to move in with his girlfriend in June. I expect that he will leave, and I also expect that he'll come back at some point.

I want him here. I want to help him; I want to be a parent for him and give him the room and encouragement to grow. But if we can't do this, he will benefit from that decision too.

Tonight we're going to a meeting about some alternative options for high school, and this afternoon he says he doesn't want to go- doesn't want to switch schools. We've been planning on going to this for at least a month. He certainly has friends at this school now, and he's certainly switched schools enough. I get that, and if he doesn't want to switch, I won't make him. I'm sure the meeting won't change his mind, but we're still going. For one, no bailing at the last minute. Two, it's good for him to know what options and career fields are out there. Three, maybe it will change his mind.

This is pretty difficult. One one hand, he wants to go hang out with his friends and be a teenager and have the structure and support. On the other hand, he wants to live on his own with his girlfriend, be independent, and do whatever he wants. He's already gotten a lot of the freedom.

Today my therapist said that if Ant chooses to leave, or if I have to end this agreement, I cannot cushion his fall. I have been marinating on that and realizing that Chris did a fair amount of that. I remember him telling me that he moved Ant to a different school at one point so Ant wouldn't be busted. That's an extreme example, but if I worry about... say, how Ant is going to make it to school if he's not living here, I need to make sure that I do not provide him a net. Doesn't that make me sound horrible? But she's right, as are the rest of the people- parents of teenagers as well as adults who left home early and struggled hard for their success. If he wants to make the choices, he needs to find out the effects. I think you could argue either side to this situation easily- either he's a victim of somebody else's bullshit, or he's created his own path, but whether it's all of one or some of both, I AM his safety net- right now. He has landed in a safe place, and if he cuts the net away, it's his choice.

Truth in Venting

I just checked my blood sugar, and that's fine, but I did just meet a friend and maybe the happy hour specials are wrecking me anyway, but if it's not that, then it's this:

My stomach- my nerves- feel exactly like they did for most of 2012. There is a twist in my diaphragm, a drop in my stomach, and my heart hurts. I had a come to Jesus meeting with Ant last night about him breaking all five of my rules. I went over those five again, named everything he gets in return, explained that I would not continue our situation if he couldn't keep up on his part, that this agreement is a choice for me and a choice for him. I asked him what he'd like to do. He said he wanted to keep our agreement, and that he could and would meet my requirements.

But today, I am met with... not evidence, but a strong suggestion that he is not going to meet these things. And it feels like shit.

If I have to end this, I will. I know that. Because for one, I'm not playing that game anymore. Two, he's gonna have to learn that shit doesn't work that way. Three, I cannot function when I feel like this, and I am not going to. How the hell did I live like this, and for how long?

Everything was going ok- he got good grades last semester, he was doing his chores... I don't know if he's just feeling comfortable or entitled or what the deal is- why things are so suddenly different, but I called him out and asked him what he wanted. I find more bullshit the next day?!?

Well, I promise I won't live like this. I would like nothing more than to help him get set up- to help him reach his goals and be the support he needs while he's still in goddamn high school- even after! But if this is what he's going to bring to the table, he's going to have to find another table. And I'm not just saying it.

Some Saturday Nonsense

I'm at Lawlor Events Center, about to watch some bullriding. I'm early, so I'm using my time to read up on the rules and history. One of the vendors outside is U.S. Customs and Border Protection, which is weird. On the giant screen, they just showed how the animals are cared for, and there's a section online about it. I've got some popcorn and a $4 water, and I'm ready to watch some bulls kick some ass.

Happy Girl

I've been doing volunteer editing on a project. I'm very proud of myself for overcoming the initial obstacle of... well, work. It was difficult to make myself sit down and work on this project, because it is huge and ambitious and very challenging. However, this could yield exactly what I asked for, so I couldn't let it pass by. Even if there is no pot of gold, there is- at the very least- experience doing what I want to do. And in order to get to that- to stretch past the kind of job I don't want to have for the rest of my life- I have to get a little uncomfortable. What's very exciting to me is that the hurdle was not nearly as difficult to overcome as I'd imagined. Maybe it's an actual change in me, or maybe I've just finally found something that really felt worth it.

Ant did well this last semester: 5 B's, 1 C, 1 A. I am very proud of the work he's done and his dedication to school. I think this situation is working out well for both of us, and while I know he'd prefer to be on his own, he doesn't find it so awful to live with me. I am enjoying this time, and I recognize that no matter what happens, I just won't have that much of it. It feels as though we are rebuilding the closeness that we lost so abruptly. I'm hearing things about what has happened during those three years, as well as things that happened right under my nose. It's strange having to find a new place to stand- one that is not a parent's, but almost, and missing the steps between 13 and now. In a way, it seems almost appropriate that there should be another missing chunk of time. I first met him when he was 3 years old, then he came into my life full time at 7. For five years, he was my kid, then gone for three, and now he is back in my daily world. I missed him a lot.

Things are good. I go out with friends a lot, and I am busy at work. This winter is cold and snowy, and my apartment is this warm and cozy place. Some nights I swear it feels like the Maggie B.

Actually, it feels a lot like the Maggie B.

It has been too wintery for tennis, so I am a little weepy and anxiety-ridden from lack of exercise, but the obligatory Nevada resident statement is that we need the snow, so I guess I'll have to come up with something else.

For three years, I have been taking Riley on regular excursions to PetSmart. It was a lot more often when she was attending class, but now I try to bring her when I need to buy her dog food. I let her wander and smell and scavenge bits of kibble from under the shelves. We look at the fish, the birds, the cats, and she is now too old and tired to snarl at most of the dogs that pull to say hi. I always peruse the clearance section and tonight I found the covered cat beds that I have been eyeing for... well, the last three years. It's a lot like this:

I always found them too expensive and while I suspected Solo would love one, I needed a better deal. Tonight I finally found them in the clearance bin, and for an absolute steal. I brought one home, showed it to her- it's so soft and cushy- and put it up on a shelf in her territory. She checked it out for a while, then crawled in and went to sleep. Can you feel my heart bursting with happiness?

Tomorrow's Friday and I have a nice (3 day) weekend planned. I am looking forward to some rest and reading, some productivity, some time with friends, and some time alone to watch movies and do a puzzle. And thank yous. I have some thank yous to write.