Processing...

So many things...

First, I hope you enjoyed that picture of my puzzle, because the cat barfed in the box. Guess I made about as much progress as I'm gonna.

I was still waffling on stories this morning, but of course- in a move that is so appropriately me, inspiration struck during one of the presenter's stories. I reviewed it with my coworker at lunch, and he asked me one question that changed my entire framework of the story. I saw it in a completely different way, and suddenly it was so relevant to my world right now. I told it and got great responses, but a lot of encouragement that I'm on the right path. In the meantime, it will be like softball. Do these things to challenge yourself and if you don't like it, fine, but don't give up too early. Learn what makes you happy and you won't cave next time because the boundaries won't be lines, they will be concrete.

The facilitators warned us that we would feel drained from so much sharing and emotion, but I felt energized. I love intimacy and sharing of personal details. I love hugs and connections. I felt like I was on a high and I was almost home when somebody in front of me ran over a rodent that was darting across the road. The wheel ran over its head and from the way its body went into the air, I saw that it had to be dead or close to it before it hit the ground. Way down I go.

We had this slide up today before a break, and as you can see, I wasn't the only one who was struck by it.

I had a hard time with this exercise. I felt like I had elements of all, but mostly observer and opposer. I don't think of opposer as negative, though I know it can be seen as playing devil's advocate. I think of what I provide as more of perspective, and that felt closer to observer than opposer. When this slide came up, I was amazed to see that these intentions and perceptions are really two sides of the same coin. I get after myself all the time for being too judgmental, and I try to think about tolerance. This made me realize that if I got rid of my judgment entirely, I would also lose the perspective- something I value, as do others. One person I greatly respect in my organization told me today that I'm always so insightful, and she loves my comments. That was a high compliment to receive, and I was amazed and grateful.

So this poor rat that nobody gives a crap about, that nobody knew existed and probably didn't even catch the attention of the driver... I care about it! Would I take it home and keep it as a pet? Nope. But it hurts me to watch life die, no matter what it is. And yes, I do eat burgers. I know. Lately I've been thinking about this as returning to the earth. I even like to think about Riley as a fallen leaf that will eventually dry up and crumble into the ground. Yesterday at tennis, there was a dead bee on the court. When I saw it, I couldn't bear to step on it even accidentally, so I darted around it. When we took a break, I put it on my racquet dampener and put him under a bush. My coach laughed gently when he saw me examining the court, and asked if it was my Buddhist tendencies (this is not my first insect rescue operation), but as always, he remarked that it was kind, and gave me the space to do what I needed. Last week there was a dog who'd lost her owner, and he waited long after the lesson was over while I tried and tried to get close to her, so that I wouldn't be in the park alone after dark.

I do care about the rat and the dead bee and the stray dog, and while my first thought is this sad, sinking loss, the only way I can not be miserable and dwell on it is to think about them as these little crushed leaves and remind myself that I would so much rather be a person who cares, even if I can't do a thing about it. It's two sides of the same coin- I will be vulnerable and I will be hurt, but I will find strength in it, and I do not want to lose the fact that I care. I choose to be this way- over and over and over.

Sensor

Great news, I actually started the sensor!

Now, it's important to understand that this thing is a pain in the ass. Or, in my case, a pain in the arm. I will take a picture to show you what I'm working with, but for now, I will explain.

I've been wearing the infusion set for the pump around my middle, in the love handle area. Attempts to wear it at the front did not work at all, probably because of 15 years of scar tissue. My new diabetic friend told me it's possible to break that up, or break up whatever it is other than scar tissue, so that is something to explore, but unhelpful at the moment. Officially, you can wear the sensor around your middle, but if the front's out and the back is occupied, I could do thighs or arms. Now I want you to imagine sticking a clamshell on your leg, maybe towards your hip, and reprogram your decades of life experience and suddenly not drag your underwear or pants anywhere near that part of your leg. And oh- you'll have to move the sites, so it's not gonna be in same place all the time.

I feel like the arm is a little better option, because at least there you have a chance in hell of seeing it. There's also more room in my shirts than in my pants, and I feel less likely to smack into it there. Right now, I'm wearing it towards the back of my arm, about halfway down to my elbow. The trouble with wearing this thing on my arm is that it is NOT FRIGGING POSSIBLE to put it on by myself. I went to my friend's house last night to get her help, and I may need to do that weekly.

Other things that are a giant pain in the ass include calibration, alarms, the complete conspicuousness of wearing the sensor and adhesive overtop to keep clothes and things from catching its edge and ripping it out, and the fact that the sensor and pump can still talk from 6 feet away, but not through body parts. I'm having to run the tubing along my back to wear it on the same side as the sensor. Jesus.

So why am I doing this?

Tennis. I got so frustrated last week when I was low, then really low, then really low again, then STILL low, and I had to eat and drink every bit of sugar I had on me and sit out the lesson for probably half an hour until my sugar was up enough to play. I was so damn mad and tired of trying so hard to anticipate and prop my sugar up before class just to fail so much. I have to eat carbs and sugar just to stay up and that isn't helping me lose weight.

So let me show you what that pain in the ass sensor does.

Here's my pump. At the top, we've got how much insulin is left in the pump and how much battery power is left. The circle means I have less than 25 units left, so I will be changing my infusion set soon. The little antenna is showing me whether or not the sensor is linked.

The graph can be set to show the last 3, 6, 12, or 24 hours. I just had to connect the two again this morning, so there wasn't much data yet. My level was terrible, but that was due to remnants from trouble yesterday, and it calmed back down soon after. This is not telling me blood sugar- this is reading interstitial fluid, which has a delay, so the way they explained this was like cars on a roller coaster. The front car is going to go uphill before the next car. Whatever is happening to your blood sugar now will affect the interstitial fluid in approximately 15 minutes. You have to account for the lag, and you still have to test.

Another neat thing- one of my favorite things I forgot about and was reminded of today- is that arrows will show up next to the number if you're heading up or down. Two arrows will show if you are heading that way quickly.

So all day, I was able to keep an eye on my blood sugar by checking out the levels of my interstitial fluid. When I went to tennis tonight, I was able to pull out the pump between shots and see what my blood sugar was doing without having to leave the court to test.

Before you start pointing out that I could have been doing this all along, I'd like to relay some advice that my friend's husband (who is on the pump) said to me yesterday. He really felt- as did the pump trainer- that it was much better to get used to the pump first- get really comfortable with how it works and doing the infusion set changes and all of that before adding in the sensor. And it is a pain in the ass. I am going to be unenthused to wear this thing all the time, but when it works and you don't bleed all over the place and the sensor remains linked to the pump and the receiver isn't getting ripped out, it's amazingly helpful.

Class

I'm in this two day class and it's interesting and I'm learning. Mom, you will be pleased to know that we watched a Brene Brown TED talk. I had seen that one before, and it smacked me around again. I also called myself out on two behaviors that are not awesome (I'm trying to give you the highlights here) and tomorrow I have to tell a story. I am having trouble deciding. Nothing feels like a story. I have these silly anecdotes, but they're short, and nothing is coming to mind other than this amazing experience I had when coming out of anesthesia after surgery. I don't know if that one is fully formed, though, so I'm trying to come up with other ideas and they all just feel irrelevant or lame. And let me clarify that irrelevance is irrelevant here- the story can be anything, and it can be shallow or middle ground, but it cannot be deep, deep dark down because this is not a therapy session and you don't want to scare anyone off.

The few stories I heard today were not stories like I think of them, so I feel like I have to tell some great, crafted, rounded story that includes my lesson, tears, and laughter. I think I have my answer. I am going to read some blogs and maybe that will jog something.

Above is one of the many quotes today, but I really loved this one, and feel like I should staple it all over my furniture and my forehead.

Drafty draft

My other damn pictures aren't coming up. Garrrgghh.

I am currently aggravated because I had a great time at tennis, but now that I'm home, there are about eight things I want to do and I can't really do any of them because it's time to get ready for bed. 

I know how to fix this- it requires doing all my nighttime chores when I get home from work, but I never end up doing things that way. So as usual, it's Thursday night and things are overwhelming and I may end up doing fun things all weekend, which is what you're supposed to do, right?

Yes, yes, thank you, Gordon. I have got to take care of those things when I get home regardless of tennis or plans or whatever so that I don't end up with a mess by Thursday and stressed that I'm going to have to spend my whole weekend cleaning not like I'm gonna really do that anyway.

If I do that, I might have the room to write when the urge strikes, and getting in two hours and going to bed a little late might be worth it.

I'd much rather go do fun things on the weekend and work on puzzles in between. Of course, I will be on this one for the next four months, I think.

Short and unedited is still done.

I had to do Education's part of the new employee orientation today. It was still a mess, but it felt much better than the first time I did it as a shared presentation, which was a hot mess. This time I got people laughing a little more, and I realized it had more to do with being at the end of a long, droning day than my teaching skills.

I have to find some new tennis pants because it's getting too cold for capris. I only have one long pair and they're yoga pants AND THEY'RE FALLING DOWN. Yeah, that's right.

I ran off at the end of tennis after a stray dog. I know I saw her earlier but she'd lost her boy. I tried and got close- she'd even brush up against me, but I was not her person, so she wouldn't let me put the leash on, which I keep in my car, not that that should surprise you. My coach waited for me very patiently- unwilling to leave me alone in the darkened park, but eventually the skittish little girl ran off into the neighborhood and I could not find her and there wasn't enough light to try. I called animal control and felt like shit the whole way home, worried about her. I have to console myself that I tried, and being an escapee does not necessarily mean doom for a dog. I am keeping m fingers crossed and I hope she finds her people.

On a positive bleeding heart note, I rescued many earthworms from the driveway over the weekend as well as a spider from the tennis court. My fellow students were like oh how sad, he's going to get trampled la di dah let's go play now while I went to find something to move him with. I relocated him to the grass and hopefully he found a nice home and is more of a spectator these days.

I got the nicest email today from one of my students. Not much makes me cry

No, that's not true. I cry about a lot of things.

I don't usually cry over people expressing gratitude to me. I love those students so much.

Sleep really well. You need some rest.

Gold Star

Gold star alert!

I tried to set up the sensor today. I got derailed because the receiver thing is dead, but I pulled all the supplies out and was ready to make an attempt. I was hoping to get this done before tennis tonight, but oh well. It may rain anyway. The important thing is the process has begun and I'm moving forward! Go Jenny!

Finding a home for Riley

I think about getting a dog- Lena's Bill made the point that she could easily make that happen- but I think now might not be the best time. I see people walking their dogs and I think I could easily change my life if a dog showed up, but for now I am playing tennis three times a week, I'm going out a lot, and I may join a pool players league. I had Riley through some very unsettled times, and I'd like to do it better. Of course, I could meet a dog and change my mind immediately.

It feels so quiet at home, but it's also nice to shake the routines up- I do not have to go home right away, I do not have to put on shoes and a coat last thing at night, and finding these things that felt automatic and are no longer necessary  remind me that they are not just obligations- there are values in them, and a choice.

Most of the time I feel like everyday Jenny, and sometimes I am blown over with sadness. I am not sad for Riley- she had a full, interesting life and it ended so beautifully, and I constantly think about how lucky we were to have that. I am sad for me, and I feel appropriately ungrounded, having lost my shadow.

I keep thinking of these memories and think I need to write them down or I might forget them. Riley was not an obsessive licker, but your hand might get a couple kisses when saying hello. When I went to do laundry downstairs, she would wander out on the grass while I kept an eye out, poop bag at the ready. My neighbors knew if she was out, I was nearby, but they always made sure.

My favorite thing- what warmed my heart every time it happened and every time I think of it- is that when she rode on my lap in the car (and she was always so well-behaved), she liked to rest her head on my driving arm. I always loved that, and hoped for straight stretches so she would stay longer, but it would only be for a few seconds at most before she'd lift her head up and look somewhere else. I treasured those seconds every time and tried to feel everything to absorb it and remember it and it worked, because now when I think about her, that's where she is.

When I said to Lena and friends that I had yet to pick out my own dog, they thought maybe I should continue in that tradition. I have no doubt that if I take too long, the universe will hand me one. For now though, I will just miss my girl.