Homemade meatball kind of good

I felt really proud of myself today. Well, and last night. I actually packed a lunch and picked out clothes and had everything ready to go, so I was able to move at a sane pace- even a slow pace- this morning. Is that how you morning people do this?

Then I actually remembered to bring my lunch and I had turkey meatballs and spaghetti sauce. I made a bunch of meatballs this weekend and froze those and also froze spaghetti sauce in little containers. I was very happy about my lunch.

I left work early (always a good day) but today was spent working on my laptop while listening in to a class, and I got my emails down from 1038 to 600. It's ridiculous, and I either need a new system or to abandon it entirely. But no, not yet, because maybe I'm still at this job for a good reason. Let's hope, but stay tuned next year.

I had to drive home first to potty the Gus, but then I went to one of the library branches and listened to a lecture, then left with books and a DVD about the topic and a booklet full of this quarter's library events. Then I came home and heated up one of the pre-made and delivered meals I bought.

I'm so glad I went and glad I finally bought the meal delivery and glad I rolled all those meatballs. Today felt really good- kind of homemade turkey meatball good.

You get what you need

Things that are hard to write about:

It's been hard to lose my Night Bus. Maybe I've only lost him for now and not forever. I hope so. I feel all the judgments and auto-reject all the "you need to"s and I want to explain but even if I did, I can't fill in all the amazing stuff you couldn't know or the things I don't even remember. It's just my sad story and I get to deal with it alone no matter how much I tell. That's hard. I feel like I got thrown out of the coach as it turned back into a pumpkin and hey look, here's Gus Gus running around at my feet and there's nothing to do but go clean the kitchen. That was all real and this is too, fortunately or unfortunately, but the Ever After version was also nice when Drew Barrymore had enough of the shit and walked out of the castle by herself. The prince was a nice surprise, not her rescue vessel.
I have watched enough relationship movies to know that it's time to put all of this down and go do things for me. I thought I had- I thought I was, but maybe it just needs to be bigger. My friend said it did seem like the universe was fucking with me and gigglingly suggested I should throw litter out my window or not return my cart to the corral. We could never, of course, but it does feel like it's important to claim some space in the world. Another friend just said I have been ending some pretty big things like self-loathing and silence. That feels true and it feels good, not that those things are ever totally gone. There's more happening than it looks or feels like to me, but once she pointed it out, I could see it.
She also said she was told this year is the hanged man in the Tarot cards. It sounds appropriate for how this year has gone for so many people, but she said it's a sharp, abrupt ending of some physical things in preparation for the metaphysical things to come. It might not feel good, but it's productive. That'll work for me.
My fascinations lately are yellow, the Bruno Mars song When I Was Your Man, and finding spiders in their webs.

Cheap and cheerful

This weekend went up and down a lot, but I feel very accomplished. I helped a friend move, which I feel confidant about writing down on my exercise calendar. I also went to Zumba, so I might actually get all four classes in before the pass expires. I also didn't crash at Zumba, and for that matter, I did not need much candy corn on moving day. It helped that it went way faster moving in than out, and I also had a little bit of food that I did take a bolus for when I first got up, then ate a hefty breakfast and didn't touch the pump at all. I only ran out of fuel when we were down to the piano. Maybe my body just had no interest in participating in that part of the move.

I made a mad dash to a couple stores this evening for their denim deals and left with receipts for orders being shipped to my home. I also ordered shoes and Gus syringes and reviewed a local meal prep service. I am seriously considering this because I buy less groceries all the time and I'm still throwing food out. I barely cook, and that's usually only when Ant insists. I keep trying to buy food with less and less preparation or oven requirements. A coworker told me about this delivery service and I was in the middle of debating if the price was worth the convenience and carefully portioned calories when I realized my grilled cheese burning. Ok, I need dis.

It's late and there's still too many things on my to do list, but I finally have a birthday plan and I'm feeling way more optimistic now that I've hashed it all out with Tracy and Mom. Thanks for listening and very patiently working through my angst. I stood in the shade outside apartment buildings with Gus for probably hours this weekend, crying and talking with them. People in those apartments probably think I am being insane over something so small as a birthday celebration and it's true, I am, but there are a lot of reasons why this has felt so overwhelming this year.

I have no crazy plans in place. No unattainable gift bags to produce. I still don't know what food I'm ordering, but I do know I'm getting mini cupcakes and adding little icing decorations to them- hopefully flamingos if I can find them. The idea of a tiny cupcake with a flamingo perched on it delights me to no end. I do like to give out gift bags, but I can already hear Mom and Tracy shaking their heads, so no gift bags! Only a dollar store trophy for the winner of the tournament. Hooray!

Making room

I think in my head about good and bad and sideways things to share and I just can't get here to write them.

Tonight I want to write but I agreed to pick Jefe up at ungodly o'clock so we can go get his moving truck because I also agreed to help him move. Whenever I say I'm helping someone move, people tell me, "Wow, you're nice." That makes me wonder how they move. Do you not help your friends move?

So I should be packing and preparing for tomorrow instead of writing, but I have to. I want to write about how sad I am and how pissed off I am at all couples for having someone to run out to get Greek yogurt for the dog at 9 pm while the other unloads the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen. I hope Jefe doesn't need to put anything in the trunk of my car because it's full of books for work that I should have unloaded at the office when I was there this morning. I'd also like to hand wash my expensive bra because that's what it says to do so it can dry tomorrow while I wear shitty moving clothes. Not too shitty though, because I have an appointment tomorrow and nobody knows the work Jenny from the day off Jenny.

I'm trying to buy finger foods these days because I eat standing in my kitchen while heating homemade dog food and medicating the cat. What exercise? What PT? The podcast lady tells me I need a schedule.

A friend posted this and I shared it with coworkers. We all found different words that felt very relevant to our current situations.

Today I trained a new coworker on one of my roles that she's going to be taking over. I am beyond relieved that someone else gets to tame this beast and that because she was sitting there watching, I felt justified in ignoring everything else that swatted for my attention. She also projects calm, and recognizes my need to help everyone, so she tells me when to stop it.

I volunteered to help move tomorrow despite the increasing pain I'm having in my shoulder, and my appointment tomorrow is for PT. Today I thought I should help because I agreed to, but not kill myself or my shoulder in the process, and when it's time for the appointment, it's time for me to stop for the day. I can go back and help the next day if I'm needed, but after that appointment, it's time to go home and nap. Or watch a movie. Or cuddle the animals. Or all three.

My three words were purpose, creation, and self care, none of which I have going on right now. It's been interesting to see how these things pop up in every corner- constant reminders that I am not leaving room for them.

Wish me strength and energy tomorrow... and the ability to say no.

Yesterday felt pretty good

There are so many habits I want to incorporate that I hit about one a month. Hello, blog.

Today I read a car seat manual and learned how to safely transport a baby, then took my neighbors to the store.

I met friends for lunch at a delicious place that I don't go to enough. 

Then I made a new rule that I can't eat at restaurants alone anymore because I do it too often and I'll do it anyway, and I stopped at the grocery store on the way home to get dinner makings.

I took my car through the wash and my winter blankets to the laundromat (ok, so it took me a while) and read my book while they dried. (Yeah! I read a book!)

At home I made everyone's dinner and watched Zodiac while working on my puzzle, then finally took poor Gus for a walk instead of just potties. 

Things are still a mess inside and out, but today I did things, which is great. A neighbor is breaking her lease and asked me to tell her when someone new moves in, because I am always coming and going. "If anyone's gonna know what's going on, it's you," she said. It's nice to know that's true in some areas, anyway. 

This week I like Kacey Musgaves' Wonder Woman.

Whittling down

I've been told by the podcast lady and Sarah that you can reasonably only expect to get 3 things done per day. It is just not possible for me to limit myself to 3 yet, but I'm trying to get down from 27-80. Yesterday I wrote down 6 items and got them all done, which felt amazing and helped me to curl up and watch Dead to Me without guilt.

I'm taking a hoop dance class, which is a lot more fun than I expected, even though you could ask what else that could be but fun. We all drop the hoop constantly and it rolls across the room and runs into people. What's even better is when it rolls away and you chase it and it turns in a big circle so you chase it right back to where you started. There's lots of swirling it around your hand, which is fine on the palm but the back of your hand takes a beating. I have bruises, but the teacher swears it gets better. Yesterday we practiced the rodeo move, which is where you're swirling it over your head like a lasso, then you bring it down over your body and start to waist hoop with it. I can do it about 25% of the time, and it amazed me when it worked- so much that I would forget to keep hooping.

I need to practice, but of course I can't do much in my apartment other than waist hoop, but then Gus comes wandering underneath, and I'm afraid to clobber him in the head, which I know about from lots of unpleasant experience. I'm going to have to go outside in the full view of people and drop my hoop and hit myself in the face a bunch of times. It's super fun, guys!

In answer to your question, I have no plans to hoop at Burning Man or festivals. I think it would be fun to do in inappropriate settings. Let me know if you have any suggestions.

In other news, poor Gus is going blind from cataracts that just got really bad really fast. My friend says that's really common in Chihuahuas, but come on Universe, like this little guy doesn't have enough problems. He's both brave and cautious, trotting on ahead but keeping an ear out for cues from me. He knows up and down and uses that information to negotiate curbs, but I'm pondering the likelihood of him learning right and left. I at least need a GAAAHH sound.

I ordered some wax melts on Amazon in a scent it took forever to find: rich potting soil. It smells good, but like that potting soil crayon, if anybody remembers that, or actual potting soil. They also sent me a sample, which is cool because that shop has a lot of really interesting scents, but unfortunately the sample is cherry tobacco, so I'll pass, thanks. I have a coworker friend who's always on my case about leaving weird offerings in the break room, so she'll love this.

I'm rarely there though, because I started teleworking! I love it and I feel way more productive, but I have to admit that I still have trouble making it to work on time.

The other big news is that I got the new pump and it will go on auto mode on Monday, which means I have to let go of the wheel. The trainer said it took him a month to let go, and to not be like him. It's already turning off the insulin if I go too low. Night Bus is very excited about this new pump and can't wait to look at the sensor graph every two hours.

Still no news on that front, sadly. I remain optimistic and stressed.

Please let me know your favorite wax melt option and I will gladly send it for Christmas. Exhaust fumes, anyone? Puppy breath? They do have really nice ones too, of course, but I am not as fascinated by those.

More tennis lessons

Tennis was great! I'm not moving real fast and I promptly crashed, but it was really nice to be out there again, and these are beautiful courts. I set up a regular time and just like that incorporated some planned exercise into my life. And you know how much I like my life lessons from tennis, so here you go:

Take small steps
Maintain the right amount of distance
Keep your eye on the ball

In other tennis as it relates to life news, I learned that I once again wrote a completely untrue story to explain a gap and punish myself even though Brene Brown told me not to. It makes me think of another situation I'm not going to tell you about where I was telling my therapist what happened and stopped, saying "Hey, you'll be shocked to hear that I figured out a way to blame myself for this."

On a further related note, talking to my boss today, I confessed to dropping the ball on something and she was just not having my self-flagellation. She knew it couldn't be as bad as I thought, and it turns out there were legitimate reasons why I didn't see it (yet another thing I'm not telling, but this time because it's irrelevant- see, I'm learning) and we ended up deciding that you have to let go of the ball in order to juggle. Yeah, see I was just juggling. That's a better story.