Titles are good

Hi! I will give you a little tour of my new place today. This will be my view in the morning from now on, thanks to Daylight Savings Time. I was waking up in the dark.
You can't see much yet, but you can see my crazy comforter from Ross. There is no better place to find cool comforter designs for awesome prices- Big Lots be damned.
You can also see that I have hung a sweater over the door after my trip to the laundromat last night. I've started this new plan to try not to dry the shit out of everything I own.
You can also see Riley. Good morning! Actually, I lied. I picked Riley up off her dog bed earlier this morning. I toss and turn too much for her, so she likes her bed and blankie, but she will never turn down a chance to snuggle with me for a while on a cold morning.
Solo is up here too, but I don't think you can see her. She has this weird habit now of standing up in the corner of the bathroom with her paws on the tub and nuzzling the shower door. It must be entertaining for my neighbors because the shower door has some play in it, so it sounds like this:
Thunk, thunk... THUNK... thunk... THUNKTHUNK...
"Mini, stop."
THUNKTHUNKTHUNKthunk
"MINI! Knock it off!"
There are all these things that I'm finding that are really nice about this new place. One is not having my bed on the floor. It does mean that Riley has to take the elevator until I can find an ottoman for her to use as doggie stairs, but it also means that Solo has a place to hang out where she feels safe. As soon as I brought her here, she went straight under the bed and returns there when something scares her. Maybe at some point I will store something under there, but I will make sure I leave plenty of room for her.
You know what else is nice? I don't miss the stupid things Chris would say sometimes. It never seemed like he was being intentionally mean, maybe just oblivious and a bit pessimistic. Now that I am on my own, those comments shake me- they stand out more when they happen- and I can see how they have beensupremely undermining my confidence for years. This is not to condemn Chris- there are many things that we both miss about each other, and our conversations make up a big part of that. I think maybe I just didn't have enough confidence in the first place, and some of his statements that had no intentional malice ended up sounding that way to me.
Not long ago, he told me that he likes coming home to a clutter-free house. I took that as a shot against me and pointed out two things: that he has never been the picture of neatness and asked him to consider the way that I am living now. He said my apartment is very cluttered.
I don't see this as cluttered. I left a lot behind and donated a lot more once I got here. I still have a lot of stuff, but I took next to no furniture, so I don't have a lot of places to put things yet. Also, I just moved in! I am very proud of what I have accomplished, purging and filing paperwork, organizing, and making this place mine. Suddenly, here's this indictment of my housekeeping skills and why? Who had piles of shit all over the house that never moved, were never put away? Not me. You want to talk about a nightmare? Open the garage door!
That comment shook me, and I looked around and tried to see the clutter and found that I did not care- I liked what I saw. I saw serious organization and purging in process. I saw some innovative solutions to make up for the lack of furniture. I saw evidence that I know this is a project and that I do not feel rushed to go out and buy everything right now. I am not being a slave to my impulses.
He didn't mean anything bad and apologized, but it made me realize that I was being shaken all the time by those sorts of comments and I am much more productive and motivated without them. I don't want to go through my life overconfident and self-righteous, so I am always questioning my actions, but I have also learned that overconfidence is a defense mechanism against anxiety. Anxiety is what keeps me paralyzed, so maybe a little overconfidence would be helpful. In a very short amount of time, I have charged through some difficult projects that were too daunting before. Surely part of that is just trying to keep myself distracted, and suddenly I have the time, but being without those comments for a while made that one stand out, and I saw just how much it shook my confidence. I'd rather be productive- that feels much better than anxious. Besides, I don't need somebody else making those judgements about me- I am still perfectly capable of questioning myself when I do something that feels wrong. This doesn't feel wrong- this feels good, and I like my new place. I will give you a little tour today and maybe you'll find it cluttered, but I don't care and I doubt you will, either.
Now I'm going to finally get up and go replace my brake light.

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