I just finished an apprentice program that I originally did not apply for because I knew that between Chris, Ant, the dogs and everything, I would surely miss one of the eight mandatory classes, or I'd be late, or something would come up and I'd have to drop out of the program, so why even start? Tracy said recently that it's amazing I got through school. I am very proud of that. Honestly, though, it never occurred to me to quit. Not even during hell semester, when I lost all financial aid, lost my relationship, then broke my hand. I always thought I was a flake until I said that to my counselor, who strongly disagreed. "You are very selective about what you commit to," she said, "because when you do, it's 100%." That's true- just look at Chris or Ant or my animals. I hear your urging, Mom, and I feel the need to do something brave and incredible. I will accept your impatience as a necessary reminder to keep me reaching, but I want this moment here to pat myself on the back and say that not only did I reach, but I worked hard and "blew through the program," as my instructor said (Isn't that awesome?), and I not only finished it, but made a good impression on people in charge, and my instructor wants me to read the new books he's ordered for next year's class and give him feedback on them. He also wants me to come speak to next year's class about writing and work with them on editing. That's way more than just finishing the program. I'm managing my bills, and I've got a lovely cocoon. I was so happy to return to it- to my routine, my life.
I got through most of the second half of The Dust Bowl, and I can never say that everything that happens to people has some higher purpose. Sometimes sacrifice yields no reward. Currently, I think that perspective largely determines what's good or bad, but when it's been a decade and nothing's working, you just have to go suffer in a different state for a while before you figure out what to do next. I have been feeling so grossly out of place, unwelcome and alone, sad and despairing, but I look up to find that other plants have grown. I now know people who have no idea what Chris or my old life or the old me looks like, and these are people that I hug. I have become a part of my new environment, and it has become part of me. I have things to show for this- I have growth. I just now noticed that, and wanted to tell you.
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