Well, I just talked to Mom and wouldn't you know it, I'm in trouble for reopening this can of worms. But did you really think it would be that easy to let it go? My whole pattern is to take care of them; it is automatic, instinctive behavior, and I think it would feel awful to completely stop. I am glad that there is a clear line for them both between me there and me gone, that they've both gotten to see that life is not so peachy as they thought it would be. That is both validating and horrifying for me. I don't want either one of them to be unhappy. Almost everyone has advised a clean break except for my counselor, who told me from the beginning that while that would be ideal, there was no way it would happen in this situation. It's very true that this is gradual and messy and unavoidably painful. I do have hope that Chris will pull himself out of this miserable behavior because I want him and Ant to be together and happy, whether that's just the two of them or with someone who loves them both- someone who is capable of standing on her own and expects him to do the same.
I have my unreasonable, ridiculous hopes, but I know they are useless and I don't have any real expectations, just hurt. That's fine and that's expected. But the truth is that I don't want to be treated unfairly or feel that frustrated again, as much as I love both of them. My heart can't take it and my brain won't allow it. I want to be with someone I can trust. At some point in my unrest last night I heard a sentence on Book Radio:
It's not enough to love something- you have to take care of it.
Good grief. Can it be any clearer than that? Well, I did my part, that's for sure. I'm grateful that so many of you are wary for me and warning me of what you are completely right about. I'm just incapable of not caring- even for Chris. That is a good quality, and I'm in no hurry to shed that, but I know that it's me I need to worry about being kind to and caring for.
So don't worry- I am. I'm still alone, wading through this and I'm not sliding backwards. Besides, there's nothing to slide back into- the only direction to go is forward. I'll be a friend because it's in line with who I want to be, and I'll be there for Ant because that commitment is forever. I'll open any can of worms for that.
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