Wake up, it's Thursday.

I finally took my tree down. Now that it’s Daylight Savings Time, I thought it may finally be time.

I’m glad I did, too. Last night a friend stopped by to pick up the snowboard, and I used the opportunity to motivate myself to charge through the cleaning, and I think I should invite people over more often. I was thinking, actually, of inviting someone over to dinner each week so I have to clean the house AND cook. It’s amazing what I can get done in a half hour with the right motivation.

I had a nice weekend that I started telling you about, but never posted. I went out to breakfast on Friday, my scheduled day off for no reason. It was busy, but not insane like on the weekends, so when I asked for my Otis style spudz extra crispy, that’s exactly what I got. OMG yum. I also went to get my hair cut at the beauty school, and had a lovely conversation with the student. She said she had been a little down about the financial strain of school, but that talking to me made her feel better. That made me feel pretty good. We had a good time talking. Her instructor knows me pretty well by now, and smirks at the picture I keep bringing back, because I no longer get that haircut, but she knows what I want and translates to the students. The students are always so careful, and they never cut too much. Then they call the instructor over to check, and she zips her scissors through my hair with such confidence, setting a new base or whatever they call it, and the student takes over again. At the end, the instructor comes back, checking the length of the layers and touching it up a bit, then does the face framing with the razor while the student asks questions. $5 for the haircut- plus a generous tip for the student- is an unbelievable price for feeling like you’re in a shampoo ad.

I went shoe shopping because DSW was offering a free yoga bag with every $30 purchase, and I desperately need a yoga bag. I didn’t find anything I loved, so I just made a sad face and went on my way.

I’m hoping for one that stows the yoga mat underneath, leaving room in the tote for blocks and my yoga clothes. I have seen them, but most seem to be a bag for the mat alone, giving you yet another thing to carry.

I will find you, yoga bag. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far. I will find you.

On Saturday, I allowed myself to be coaxed into going to the hot springs with friends. I was bathing suit concerned, but Amanda said she’d wear boy shorts in solidarity, so how could I say no? I went, I sat in the extremely hot hot tub, I dog paddled in the 98 degree pool. I took swimming lessons when I was younger, but had clearly retained nothing, so Nataliia taught me how. We practiced swimming back and forth through the children hoarding pool noodles, and Nataliia told me that I was a strong swimmer, and faster than her. That was exciting news, so I may be slightly less concerned on boats from now on. When we’d finally had enough, we shivered our way through the locker room and went out to dinner.

Sunday was quiet- just laid around and watched movies, did some chores. I’m so thrilled that my place is all nice and vacuumed and the tree is put away. I kept eyeing it, adding it to my to do list… but it took a beer and a few Roseanne episodes to finally pack it all up.

I just made a dental appointment with my new insurance! That only took me until March too. Good grief. I am also slightly behind in this year’s Goodreads challenge, but I belong to Audible now, and I just finished The Accidental Tourist. (It was on sale.) I really liked that one. Next up is Five Days at Memorial, which sounds like it’s going to be just awful, but compelling. You know how I love disasters.

I canceled a credit card that I wasn’t using. I have paid off my military buyback and set up an automatic transfer for that same amount into savings on paydays. I’m about to get a step increase. I’m going to see a play tonight with friends. My place is clean. I’m teaching the grammar, reading, and writing portions of an educational program at work. There’s Cards Against Humanity with friends on Friday, and a weekend with Nik in April. I’ve been tracking and fine tuning my blood sugar, and walking every day. Tomorrow is payday.

Ahhhhh.

It's a Thriday

Finally finished the Gustav Klimt puzzle. I always feel ready to start a new one immediately after finishing the last one, but my enthusiasm slows about halfway through and the cat's pushing pieces off the table...

Guess who was out on a leash today! That's right- Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown Dog! Some asshole must have notified Animal Control. :D It was really nice to see Leroy out walking with his pack. He was very excited to see me, but we didn't get to say hi. That's a little sad, but I'm happy that his owner loves him enough to do what's necessary. He'll be safe, and those walks will exercise his brain and help him bond more with his people. Love you, Leroy.

I'm thrilled to be off work tomorrow. It's a random get-shit-done day off. It's not a payday weekend, so there's not much danger of having too much fun. This is good, because I have a lot of shit to do, including taking down my Christmas tree. Yes, really.

I'm figuring out the process at my new space, and my schedule has been adjusted to accommodate yoga. The only barrier now is packing yoga clothes to change into. Seems to be working, because I'm going. I've also been keeping my food log and blood sugars, which is a giant pain in the ass. Two of the PERC folks told me today that it looks like I'm losing weight. I haven't been at it too long,  but I'll accept the encouragement.

I taught a class this week on grammar. It's for the School at Work program, and I feel like it went pretty well! I'll be covering the next several classes, actually. Next up are reading and writing. How neat is that? I feel very honored to be asked, and everyone in the class was very kind and receptive. I'm excited to go back next week.

For right now, I get to putter around and not watch the clock, and go to bed when I get there. I remembered to turn my alarm off. Tomorrow: get up when I feel like it. I know some people only take vacation for trips, and some just for days off, but I think a mix is necessary. I have got to do this more often.

Less shitty association

The last time I sat at this restaurant, it was after a comedy show. Chris and I went to this show because his coworker's boyfriend was part of the show. The show was fine, but another one of his coworkers joined us afterwards at the restaurant. Chris sat next to her- a chair apart from me. That felt pretty awful, of course, but I tried to behave as if nothing was wrong. But then he grabbed her hand and I just died. I can tell you that shit is never going to happen to me again, but if it did, I would leave this time. I remember losing my shit at him on the way home, and he ridiculed me for the accusation. Dude had some balls, huh?

Earlier tonight I said the last time I'd been to a comedy show was 2006, but I forgot about that one. Forgot until I sat down in here. I knew it, just didn't realize I was tying these subconscious associations to this place.

I cannot believe the shit...

Jennyway. I went to a comedy show tonight, then went out to a bar afterwards with my friend, who unintentionally set me up with her recently widowed neighbor. Nevermind that he's at least 65- he asked me out. Well, it was a night out. And I am consciously cutting the tie on this place, now that I know it's there. Now it's the place I escaped to- a safe haven with 24 hour breakfast.

At least it's a short month

Well, this has been an interesting ride. One month later and my job is entirely different. This is good, though I wasn't sure for a while. It felt bad to lose the PERC and the people in it, but now I see that the countdown was already happening- I just didn't know about it. The partial view I had was prescribed for me. That feels like shit, of course, but luckily I had some good people looking out for my best interests. Not only did I not have all the info about what was coming, but the people are already scattering, and everything is changed. It was doomed anyway, and I really think if I had been kept there, I would probably be actively seeking another job. I find I am grateful to have been pulled.

But this news came in late November, and the move didn't happen until two months later. That was a long time to be in limbo, anticipating the change and trying to figure out how to prepare. Anxieties built, and come February I met what I can only describe as the id. I know we're all like that sometimes, but...

I have never before been very good at handling other people's behavior with calm deflection, but I got lots of practice this month. I only lost my temper once, which is one more than the acceptable amount, but me losing my temper is, as my friend put it, like an angry kitten, so it wasn't that bad. More importantly, I successfully incorporated some new strategies. Normally I'll wear whatever people try to put on me until I collapse under the weight. This time, when awful, stupid, and ridiculous things were thrown, I got to a point of calm deflection! Score!

Naming the problem as an id really helped me have less judgment about it. As my coworker said, you just have to set a place for it at the table. It's going to be there running its mouth, but I don't have to participate in the conversation. Good lesson.

Another lesson in this month came from the mess. It was a rough transition, which surprised me. (Sadly, I will never be a detective.) I've been going back and forth between my new and old places, unable to really finish anything in either place. I come home and don't have the energy to move. My apartment is a mess, my car is a mess, my desk is a mess. Today I started my day wanting to sweep everything onto the floor, but thankfully sometime in the past few days I realized that there has been a lot going on- no wonder I'm tired. If work hasn't been fun enough for the last there months, I have been dealing with a lot of Riley issues, which is heart wrenching and expensive. And then Elaine let me know that Ant ran away. He's near home, apparently, running with a group of similar idiots. He hasn't been to school in weeks. And no, he hasn't contacted me and yes, he knows where I live and how to reach me. Just...  maybe I wrote this already, but my first thought when I heard that- right after the shot of fear to the gut- was that I could have done better by him, that I should have remained a steady presence in his life no matter the cost, as if I could have prevented this.

But that's not mine to wear. And February had been a steeper hill than it looked. It's been messy and it's ok that I haven't been superhuman. I'm still doing a lot that I need to acknowledge. Like tonight- I got home with groceries at 9, spent an hour cutting vegetables and prepping food, another hour on my puzzle, and an hour writing. I'm happy with that.

I'm tired. But I got my schedule changed one day a week so I have no obstacles in the way of attending yoga. I went out grocery shopping at three stores tonight to get everything I need to eat at home. I am right now at my 3 year anniversary at the VA. I'll be cleaning up this weekend. I won't sweep everything onto the floor, but I may put it down calmly.

Like Son

I am going to have to redo this picture once Riley is done with her itchiness. She is on a steady dose of Benadryl and wearing a cone until she is healed up. I'm not sure if it's just the Benadryl or old dog stuff, but we don't get far when we walk these days, and all she wants to do is lie in my lap.

Ant has apparently decided to move in with his girlfriend, according to Elaine. He hasn't been at home or in school for two weeks. Elaine said Chris filed a missing person report, but suspects that Ant is nearby.

The first thing I felt was guilt.

While trying to calm Elaine down, I realized that Ant has probably 100 people he could go to for help. He knows where they live and he knows how to reach them. He knows how the rest of the family feels about Chris's actions in the last couple years, so he knows that if he did not want to return home, they would provide other options.

My feeling is that this is a choice. He has never liked being told what to do- he wants the freedom to decide for himself, and he ALWAYS takes the hard road. Chris has not helped, I know. I am painfully aware of that part. It has seemed to me for a long time that both of them were hell bent on Ant following his dad's path. I have also felt that Ant would go through may hard years between adolescence and early adulthood, but that he would come through it ok.

It took telling Elaine that Ant is not a 7 year old, and that he is not lost at sea for me to stop freaking out myself. It is NOT GOOD that he is gone, and I hope he is located soon, but he is choosing to do this.

Elaine was hoping Ant had contacted me, but of course he has not. He knows what I would say, what I would do. He told me once that he could hear my voice in his head, like his conscience.

I feel like maybe I could have been there more for him. Some of you say I have done more than necessary, but it's true that I have loosened my grip. He'll always be my kid, but my distance now is a combination of the breakup, self-preservation, and allowing him to be a teenager. And I think we all know that if Chris hadn't ended things, I'd still be in the trenches.

All I ever made Ant promise was that he'd graduate from high school and wait until his 20s to be a dad. He had bigger plans than that, of course. He wanted to go to UCSB. I hope he still gets to do that and all the other things that are hard and worth it. I hope he does make it through this time safely and emerges wiser. I will always be there to support him as much as I can, but on my terms, not anyone else's- including his.

Eat the whole elephant

It's Sunday night, so my brain is wired. I was researching Riley's skin bumps and realizing that she is me and the things she needs are the same things I need. I have all these plans in my mind about how to fix things for both of us. I feel like there's so much in the way, but I don't want to feel like that. I want to just burn through those things, forget about them, ignore them. I want to figure out how I can make a living without being gone so much. I remember reading a book that asked why we look and behave our best for people we don't care about that much, and we are tired and frumpy for the ones we love best- it's backwards. I want to spend my life enjoying my life, and part of that means figuring out how do I bypass the short term in favor of the long term. It was a rough time at work last week, and I spent way too much energy there. It would be much better for me to take this next week and treat it like what it is: a place to meet people, learn, and make money. It is not my priority and it should not occupy my thoughts as much as it does. I'm a little backwards at the moment, but you have to notice it before you can fix it. Noted. Now to fix it all at 10:30 on a Sunday night...

I'll have the Public Shaming special, please.

I put my name in at IHOP, affirm that I am a party of 1, go sit down. Another woman comes in, puts her name in: Jen. How many: 1. The hostess asks, "Are you with Jenny?"

"Uh, no."

"Oh my god, that's so weird! Someone else came in just now- also a Jen, also alone!"

The other Forever Alone Jen raised her eyebrows in a JesuscanIjusteatbreakfast kind of way.

I feel you, Jen.