I have no reason to be awake. I'm short on sleep. I'm sick. I have to go to work. But apparently there are too many thoughts firing around upstairs and though the lit screen is a bad plan, pouring the thoughts out is not.
After years of managing chaos on my own as well as possible and being shown the door for someone with far less to offer than me (and that is the kindest thing I can say), having been forced to walk away from who has become my kid, leaving him powerless and with no advocate, a friend is finally there- seeing clearly what I kept together for so long and what is so desperately lost without me. He is providing a fair environment to this teenager- can you realize how perfect that is? It's someone Ant loves and looks up to, someone that has been close to Chris since before Ant was born. He knows the whole story, has seen it, listened to it over the years, and- like all of the sane people in Ant's life- would fight to the death for him. I am so relieved he's there. Ant is relieved. He came out here not to judge or take over, but saw what no one else has been invited into. He has changed himself- drastically- and the timing is perfect. He is so needed.
I am still sad, still extraordinarily hurt. It makes me sad to hear about this new life that doesn't have me in it, but he just came in and reminded them all of my role, my sacrifices, and that I am not to be dismissed or disrespected. He just provided a bridge between Ant and I that we needed so badly. No one else could have done this, and I am so relieved that my emotions couldn't wait until morning.
Ant hugged and hugged me. We have a path to each other now that is unobstructed by... slut-shaped obstacles. He asked me for books. He wants to go to movies, have me watch his improvements at the skate park. I lost two people I love, I lost one of my dogs, I lost my car, I lost a beautiful house to an ungrateful, insecure, disrespectful, immature, disgusting bitch who is destroying everything that I put in it. (I also just temporarily lost my ability to be kind, but at least it's truthful.)
But here comes Chris's best friend and he immediately took on what I am no longer allowed to do and what has caused my heart so much extra grief in this nightmare. He restored a safe connection between Ant and I. Oh, Ant. Half of our conversation was I love yous and I miss yous, over and over. Ant said even his friends miss me- even though they used to think I was a strict wicked stepmother. They've changed their minds now, he said, and one told Ant that regardless of strictness, I was there. Ant understands at 14. I cried.
I cried yesterday too. It didn't hit until early afternoon, and I went to a coworker who has suffered a similarly devastating and costly betrayal. We talked for a while and I apologized for bringing her my tears.
"Oh, no," she said. "Where do you think I'm gonna go the next time I lose it?"
Please, please do. And how good does that make me feel? As good as Chris's friend- and mine- reminding Ant again last night not to be fooled about me- that I am a tough bitch who is not to be trifled with. Ant reminding me that I am Leo the Lion. Indeed.
I have been done wrong in an awful way, but so has Ant, and I got out. My life no longer consists of heartbreaking chaos. I come home to my wonderful, peaceful apartment. This was not my doing and Ant knows it, but I have felt so guilty for leaving him behind and being unable to be there or even communicate with him.
This is not because Chris wants to keep us apart- far from it. He loves me and he loves his son, and he knows what he's done is wrong. He knows what he needs to do and even in his struggles, it is a high priority to him to pay me back. I was brought cash last night- and that did not originate from his friend. He sent me his friend, his son, and action on his promises. What else can I ask?
Ladies and gentlemen, the cavalry has arrived- just in time.
Perhaps now I can sleep.
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