Ugh. Sick and sad is a whiny combination. Nobodeeeloooovesmeeeee! Waah. But sheesh, this Eat Pray Love book is slapping me around with such perfect timing. So okay. This weekend I am already sick and have to write an essay, so the universe is conspiring to make me stay home. I will be sad and pitiful and doing what has to be done. How perfectly appropriate.
I have thought a lot today about Chris and his sperm depository. I know she is only a horrible person because she is ridiculously insecure and while I understand this and believe I clearly suffer less from this affliction than she does, I still manage to sink into that cesspool enough to call her names. They might be names she's earned, but I'd prefer to remember thatI I don't need to have ill thoughts against her- she creates her own misery, and will reap the consequences as she has been doing for a while now. It gets hard, though, when I find out that she has this negative opinion of me. For what? Being what you can't? Probably. Insecurity. Maybe even a knowledge in there somewhere that what they have is not love and not even friendship, just destruction.
Oh, I wish he had never cheated, but more than that, I wish he had helped instead of heaping more and more on me so he could go off and do whatever he wanted. My coworker and my friend said the same thing- that now they look at these tramps almost with gratitude. Thank you for freeing me from that. Of course, that took years.
For now, I'm still hurt, but that's good. It amazes me that people ask if I'm dating yet. No, I'm grieving. I had a lot of love in that, which will remain forever, and I'm also the worst kind of fool when it comes to hope- even though I KNOW he's right, that he didn't end it, he fucking destroyed it, which is why he chose to be with someone equally destructive. He set me free, whether I wanted it or not. He feels he deserves someone just as awful as he's been, and he's right, but I still can't stand to see it. She may only be the manifestation of his misery, but he chooses that misery every day.
Don't worry, Trampolina, I'm not trying to get him back, but there are countless other cheap girls out there just like you.
I'll be over here learning and growing and taking the time to heal my sad heart. I'll be sad for as long as it takes so that I'm really ready to see the ones who have been broken, but who have healed themselves and are not looking for me to do it for them.
Now that that's out, I can go finish my book and write my essay and figure out just how high I want this mountain to be that I am going to conquer. That, and watch movies, hang out with Riley, and laugh when blowing my nose makes my bangs fly up in the air.
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