I'll be randomly looking through my friends' posts, and suddenly there they are. God, seeing their stupid faces smashed up together in his Facebook photo still makes me want to vomit. You all point out that it's her insecurity forcing its way into the picture. I think that's clearly true, but it still makes me physically ill.
Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe my heart isn't done cracking apart and this is finishing the job. Or maybe this is just sealing that room off. It hurts, which makes me question if our love was really that unbalanced or if he just buried his. You tell me it doesn't matter, but it just doesn't matter to you. I feel something different- that the love was and always will be true. It may be ruined, but it was true. That matters a lot to me. I don't understand how he was able to treat love that way, and that may be why it hurts so much, but I can only hope that he treats this idiot no better than he treated love. I have to trust that those two have their own karma to live with, and I have mine. Mistakes aside, when I look at what I put in, I have so much to be proud of- truly. If it wasn't appreciated or reciprocated, that is not on me. I have put in very good things, and now's the time for me to have a sad, lonely goodbye to all that so I have room for something better. But sad has to finish up first.
I don't want to be sad, and I don't want to hurt. I don't want to feel like throwing up. I have a hard enough time now; I wonder how I got through November. No, I do know how: with a visit from Mom and Thanksgiving with Dad. With nonstop daily talks and texts with Tracy. It was like being thrown in cold water- too cold to catch your breath. Everybody was there- family, friends, coworkers- even Chris's family- keeping me afloat until I could make it to the next buoy. What a shock.
And I hope I never see the ocean again
Pushin' and pullin' at me
As I go deeper and deeper in
Til I'm so far from my shore
So far from what I came here for
I let you surround me
I let you drown me
Out with your din
And then I learned how to swim
But I've got a beer, Roseanne episodes, and laundry to do. I'm all cried out for now and the apprentice class went well today. I have a better job to apply for and I went to Zumba last night. I'm making plans with new friends, and I will sleep well tonight.
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