Plunge

Argh.  I can't help but share.  I seek out comfort and opinions from those I love and respect, then I do asinine things that are often the opposite of what you have very logically recommended.  I love you, and I know it's maddening.  It feels maddening to me to know that you are right and to be completely unable to disagree and have trouble anyway.  I want to trust that life will get better soon, but it is really hard to have the faith to walk towards what I don't know.  Maybe I just haven't done it in a really long time.  When was the last time you did?  I mean a huge, completely uprooting change with nobody along for the ride.  I can't tell if I just hate endings or if I'm terrified or if there is something actually wrong that gives me such pause.  Don't you decide that for me.

I do know it's not fair for me to continue to feel like this and I feel, probably like you do, that I should be wrapping this up by now.  Wish I could.  I think of Persepolis, when Marji's relationship doesn't work out and her grandmother, consoling her, says, "You're crying because you were wrong."  I think that sucks and is a horrible thing to say, even if it's right.  I do feel like things went horribly awry somewhere, and I can't get past the way things should have been.  This is where faith comes in, I know, but I don't know if I've ever learned how to let go, and this is the HARDEST thing to let go of.  It hurts, it hurts.  I still feel stunned.

There is another line from a song that has taken over my thoughts lately:

Will I disappoint my future if I stay


Everyone is excited about the idea of me coming back to the East Coast.  How come I'm not?  I absolutely miss you all so much, but some days it feels right and in the works, and some days it doesn't feel right at all.  Riley didn't want to leave Topaz today.  She loves it there, but she wants me to stay there, too.  It can't ever be both.  I keep telling myself it doesn't have to be forever, and maybe living outside of that area will make a big difference, but the idea of going back depresses me, like it's a dreaded task that has to be done.  I doubt it's supposed to feel like that, and I know that piece of information is going to hurt- even though it has nothing to do with how much I love you all and how much I miss you and want to be close to you.  It makes me feel awful because it is not where I want to be.

So there, I said it.  Maybe I'll feel totally different, maybe I'll love it, maybe there's some great story that I'm going to be a part of and I just can't see that now.  I have been feeling like such a fucking drama queen for a while now, but I'm pretty sure that has a lot more to do with the situation than just how I am.  Maybe by that time, I'll be ready to go.