All this over saggy lettuce

I just went to let Gus potty and desperately needed lunch, but did not want to spend $6 on a burger that I would immediately regret eating. I remembered Pollo and actually bought a salad, which is what I usually get there. For the second time in at least 2 years, I got some saggy lettuce.

Not all, mind you, or even most. Not even a handful. I picked it out and happily ate my salad, but it reminded me of one of the early Pollo days here. My coworkers and I often get Pollo because it is delicious and appears to be real food and somewhat healthy... er. We get Pollo often enough to have favorites, earn points, and be able to order for each other. In all that time, I've only seen one other saggy lettuce experience.

What killed me was the response. Now, I have not always reacted well to fast food disappointments. My personal worst was discovering they heard rice instead of fries after leaving the drive through. I threw the rice, then had an alarmed conversation with myself. I know I have shared that before, but it still entertains and appalls me.

When we got some saggy lettuce in our salads two years ago, we complained a little, which was fine. It was on our next trip when two people specifically requested fresh lettuce that I had a meerkat response. Are you kidding? Are... you kidding?!

Come on now. Are they going to stop mid-handful and say oh no, they want the GOOD lettuce? Go get the GOOD lettuce, Mike.

And I mean, ok- if the entire salad was see-through, you'd have an argument, but that would constitute a lettuce emergency and it likely would never make it to the counter. My boss once requested so many special requests on one cup of coffee that she referred to herself as an entitled old biddy. I found that hilarious and now keep EOB as a handy acronym in these circumstances. Can you imagine working in a fast food restaurant and someone asks for the FRESH lettuce? I can just feel their nostrils slightly flaring.

It's a passive aggressive thing, really- you know they don't have a separate lettuce bucket. You just want them to know they fucked up last time and you'll have your critical eye on things. There are people that I don't like to go to restaurants with because they do this shit. I would like to tell them this, but I'm not sure how. Maybe I can give them the same conversational yet slightly shitty attitude they give the wait staff. One friend got shitty with a fast food employee recently, and I called it out in front of the employee and my friend was shamed into an apology.

I think was surprises me is that people seem to expect perfection anywhere they go. Fast food is a great illustration of that, because it's cheap food quickly- there's a tradeoff! Do you expect to sacrifice nothing? Even at a nicer or nice restaurant, do you expect perfection? Your life must be really awful. I try to think about this when I'm on hold to talk to someone whose job it is to obstruct my mission. Sometimes it feels like that's their job, anyway. It doesn't always work, but customer service jobs suck because we are ALL assholes at one point or another.

My coworker teaches Dr. Martin Luther King's four steps to nonviolent protest. One is self-purification, which involves cleansing yourself of emotions so you can proceed with honest and peaceful intentions. Or at least, that's my current understanding of it. If you are fired up, it's not the right time to address the situation. I didn't like the rage I felt over the rice. I don't like the way I get shitty with people sometimes and I don't like being in the company of people who do it.

The trouble is figuring out how to address it in others and being receptive to signs that indicate you are being a jerk. If I were capable of light humor in the moment, I'd love that. But one thing I've been seeing lately is that when I have the urge to pull away from someone, the answer is usually to pull them closer instead. Maybe seeing my discomfort or witnessing theirs will change our behavior.

Good day off

I had a pretty nice day yesterday. I actually bought tires the night before, which caused my expression in that picture, but I'm super proud that I did it on my own. Things were pretty tight for a while, but I've been working down the debt wrangling my finances and I am finally self-sufficient. This week it was tires. Last week it was brakes and fixing the rotors and some other car stuff. Plus Christmas. I'd better win the money from the credit union for using my credit card this month. But yeah, researched and purchased brand new tires and it was a good kind of painful. This is the weirdest feeling to be grateful for.

I slept in on my day off- slept in a lot. I took Gus for a long walk and we came across a woman walking her dog, so we let them say hi and she asked if I had a sweater for him. That's been a challenge, since his body is long and tiny, but his chest is huge. She said she had some that were too small for her dog and went home to get them. She handed me a whole pile, and Gus and I- well, I had fun dressing him up. He does need a coat; it's been so cold outside. I think we may have one and it looks warm.

I had to run to meet A&N for lunch, but first I had to create an obstacle course too difficult for Gus to get to the catbox. I was proud of this innovative solution until I realized that nobody wants cat litter scattered across the table. Back to the drawing board, but I am excited about incorporating the corral. He fights too much to stay in it, so I'm either going to use it for the catbox or the trash. It might not keep him in, but it might keep him out! This little turkey is a tank.

So we went to see Star Wars, which might get me in trouble. My "man friend," as Jeffrey likes to call him, is a big Star Wars fan, and was horrified that I am only meh about this cultural phenomenon. I infamously slept through Rogue 1 (One?), so I didn't think it would be a big deal to go without him. I could easily go again and care about as much. And seriously, this guy doesn't have time to go to the movies! But... I actually liked the movie. ... ... .........

So now I feel bad, but maybe it's a good thing, because when he gets back, if it's still in theaters, or even at the second run place, I will make plans to get him there, whereas before I would have just meh'd past it. That was one sentence, guys.

So I got home and made myself some dinner and started working on a gift. I will show you once it's done. I haven't done this in a long time, and it was fun to just sit and crank it out. I think that's how I need to do projects. This is why I rarely send letters, Camille. I keep trying to come back to them like you do, because I really like that they span weeks and give a nice picture of what's going on. Instead, I have 75 started letters, because I can never find the last one. Just sit down and do it- that should be my non-athletic slogan.

Shoulding all over myself

How can I withstand my disappointment?

I got an email from one of my saved searches about this job- got the email on Friday. I did not spend any time this weekend on preparing, of course, but I meant to. Oh, did I mean to. But I had so much on my list and it all seemed so important and I did have a wonderful weekend. Now when I tell you about it, you'll have one eyebrow cocked, but I seriously have to wonder about fate sometimes. There's this job that might materialize at work in my department, but it's still not editing, great as it would be. This was a straight shot- a job with editor in the title. Not that I qualified, but I was going to throw my hat in anyway, because it's not up to me to decide if I'm qualified.

It was the time difference that got me. I was finally ready to apply. I had just uploaded my new resume, and the job was gone- it was midnight on the east coast. Such a dumb mistake that I know and warn others about. It took me until 8 to find my password. I couldn't log in at work because it was here, but when I got home, I couldn't find it. I got so stressed, I just decided to start cleaning, knowing I'd come across it. As soon as I did, I went to finish updating my resume. Ok, I did do some of this ahead of time. I was ready in just over an hour, and just barely missed.

But why couldn't I find my password? The reset would go to work, and I knew it was here. It took laundry and easing off the search for me to spy the place where I suddenly remembered putting it. Did I not want to apply? Am I afraid to leave the VA? Do I really want a commute that far? Was this just procrastination?

I actually teach people about USA Jobs, and I tell them it's usually the second or third job that you get- I've seen it happen so often. You flail on the first one- there are all the documents to find and sign and scan and upload. You have to update your resume and write a cover letter and reset your password and learn how to use the website again. It's disappointing to miss, and I tried for the writer editor job a couple months ago. I got an interview, and they picked someone else... I have legitimate reasons to be bitter, but they just make me sound bitter. In truth, I'm kind of glad, because they don't know what kind of program they have, and they're only using it as some kind of weird transcription service, so have at it. I'm going to find an editing job. Clearly not this one either, but some kind of editing job.

Yeah, yeah, I'm ready for the next one. And it will get easier and it will take less time. The last one took me WEEKS. This time, I was ready to go in about 3 days. That's some serious improvement, and I'll take it. I'll also take the earlier bedtime and the sleep I missed last night. I'll take the dinner with friends here tomorrow night and the obligation to clean up quickly. I'll take the embarrassing reminder about preparation and procrastination as lightly as I can and try not to flog myself with them too much. I'll take a nice, relaxing Christmas and the email I got today updating me on the new potential job in my department. It had two ifs, and in response, this person who has no stake in the game whatsoever- who just asked the boss on my behalf- told me to hang in there.

I think they all see that I am restless. I'm getting questions and long looks. They are eyeballing me as I am eyeballing the door. I keep thinking about the Little Prince, and how there are no destination screens on the comets. Just put out your fucking net, already!

Alright. So whether it was not meant to be or just a snafu, it's done with now, and my resume is a lot more honed to editing. If that's the outcome, who cares what the purpose was.

Bah.

Picture Pages, part 237

Sarah has forbidden me to look at jackets at thrift stores since I have so many, but they are so cool!

I got a car seat for Gus Gus and though it took me almost a month, I finally hooked it up in the car. I suddenly understood why new parents go to the fire department to get help installing car seats for babies. I did get 70's orange, but only because the saner colors were more expensive. I bought this because Gus doesn't like being in the car, but seems less stressed about it when he can see out the window. Also because he is only 8 pounds, rather aerodynamic, and sassy enough to have a car seat.

The other day I came home to find one of Mini's claws stuck in Gus' forehead, so I always like, encourage, and photograph moments like this.

Here is Jenny with Jenny, a 2 pound sweetheart recovering from parvo.

This 2000 piece puzzle was fun to do because it had so many different things going on. It was always possible to find a new section to work on, and I also liked how cozy and fun it looked. It's called Grandma's Craft Shed. I can relate to a woman who is thoroughly organized, yet can't finish or put anything away.

Soooo... things are going well with my sweetie.

Behold, shiny things to distract you! Look at that bowl! How about that wrapping paper! Do you like the warm hat I found for tennis? And check out that weird, geometric purple going out purse! It moves all folded too. So fun.

It is indeed time to clarify and cultivate my notion of home. What is going on here? How can I summarize the past few months for you? We'll see what I can come up with. I am not moving yet- how's that?

Breakfast bunch

I am enjoying boyfriendland. Boyfriend happened to find the movie left behind in his rental car on the same night I already had Ed Wood queued up. "Should we watch that instead?" he asked.

Hell no. Meatballs go with meatballs! We ate dinner, then both fell asleep. 💜

Rainy day drive through lunch at In-N-Out with Sarah

Mini's favorite new toy

Mini's favorite new hangout

I took Ant shopping today for his birthday and Christmas. He worked so much around this time last year that I didn't see him until January, so I wanted to make sure he got some stuff he needed, and that it would be stuff he wanted. His great grandma is also sending some money for him, so we found him some shoes, a warm coat, gloves he could work in, a hat, three shirts, a pair of pants, a really cool pair of socks, and a skateboard. I got no pictures of the clothes.

He picked out a really nice Caribbean blue deck and a few stickers for it. It's neat to watch him put boards together- he pays close attention to the colors and creates a really nice overall look.

After we hit the clothing stores, we went back to the skate shop where Ant bought some wheels and bearings, then we went to his apartment so he could put the new board together with the trucks from his beat up board. He called his great grandma to say hello and thank you, then we headed to the skate park to test this thing out.

He hasn't done a lot of skating in a while.

Ant: "Why do I DO THIS!! It takes so much ENERGY!"

But he kept at it, and showed me some of the tricks he can do now. I was an annoying parent, taking lots of pictures and video. 

It was a nice day outside, and Ant was happy, of course- he got a lot of stuff today- but we had a good time. It was nice to hang out and talk, and I think he's as happy with the coat, hat, and gloves as with the board. He said he was working in a blizzard in Tahoe last year, and it seems like he'll be better equipped this time. He's got a room in a small apartment with a roommate, and the apartment is pretty straightened up and appears to stay that way. I don't know how long the other dude has been living there, but Ant seems to be comfortable and contributing. He's found some painting work in addition to the production company, and is managing. He plays hard, but he also works hard. It's nice to be able to treat him a little. Can you believe it's been 10 years since he came out here?

Paper tigers

I just sorted paper ALL DAY.

I should have taken a before picture. I think I had about two crates full after I found all the piles squirreled around my apartment. I had old bills, yes, but I also had my driver's ed certificate.

I sorted everything, and I am shredding and recycling approximately three reams. I have been listening to this organization podcast and even if I don't have a garage or a laundry room, it's been motivating. When I need to get productive, I cannot listen to a good book and definitely not music, or I will put on a concert.

Yesterday it was a hot mess in here, and of course it felt like I had just created a bigger nightmare. There were a couple self-flogging moments, but I argued with myself, insisting that I was making progress. The organization lady helped with that one too- she says goal accomplishment has levels: good, better, and best. Getting all the paper into one place is good. It's still progress. And it's only 7:00! Thank you, daylight savings.

I feel both recentered and intimidated. There are so many projects, and none of them will be finished in an afternoon. Ok, I don't know that.

There was a loss in the Topaz family, and I called Mom to make sure that my caution was not about my preference. We talked a good amount about intention, and how it doesn't measure up to shit unless you do something about it.

That reminded me to send an email thanking the woman who created a really helpful breakdown of the Mann Gulch fire. There is too much of an explanation in there, and I still need to vacuum, so I'm moving on now.

So I want to get these things done, or at least moving. I feel like I just got the weight of all this paper off me, but now I'm reminded of all the stuff I was supposed to do. Gah! Things that need daily attention! Things that will be expensive! Things that need to be prioritized! Things that are not easy or fun!

It was a humbling tour through the last five years, let me tell you. Time does go by fast. But while there were plenty of uncompleted things to flog myself about, I found all kinds of programs and ticket stubs and notes and nice little reminders of all the fun things I've done. I started some binders- thanks for the idea, Ma. The problem with photo or scrapbook albums is having to have the whole thing planned out already, and this way I can add or reorganize as needed.

There are large envelopes for each of Ant's school years- 2007 through 2012, then 2015. I have some Nixon family pictures, and keeping all of that together for him. There's been even more Jerry Springer drama in Chris' world, but it feels nice to be more removed from that. Ant felt the need to remove himself as well, and has moved in with a friend. He's struggling but working and learning, and he has a good attitude about it. I saw him Thursday, and we had a good time catching up. I try to limit my exasperation about how Chris' decisions impact Ant, because he is figuring that out. Today was a weird and neat place to be, looking at all this stuff I kept for Ant, and having a very different perspective about that time. I think I was only guilty of extreme optimism and low self-esteem. It wasn't all bad at all, but man... that boiled frog.

I felt from the beginning of that aftermath that I wasn't allowed to be sad or upset, and I get why. I think my grief has been long, though, drawn out some by me and some by the special brand of bullshit that Chris and one other can't help but spread. I think it's ok that it took a while. I think it means that I took the processing seriously. Today I combed through my whole life, but especially the past five years, and emerged intact- a little proud and a little mortified. I think I know what I want and I think I'm doing alright.

Second Baser

I just had the most fun I've had at any kickball game in two seasons. I got to be the pitcher and I caught two balls and got those people out. I also threw a ball home and hit the runner. It would have been a fair hit to her shoulder (which was higher than I intended- I'm kind of impressed with myself), but it bounced and hit her in the head which made her automatically safe. I didn't think I could throw like that.

I also got on base a few times. Once I kicked just inside third. Another time, I saw no good holes, so I bunted for the first time and made it to first! I got a run for our team and that doesn't happen a lot.

We lost, but without the mercy rule this time! Amanda said we were at something like 13-23, and 13 is more than we've scored in any game! So this was a longer game than we're used to playing. We were almost good enough to beat this team. I did not want to play tonight. I'm tired and whiny, but I had a lot of fun tonight. I need to get better at covering plays, but I picked up a lot tonight. You learn a lot faster in the infield. There's my quotable piece for the day. I'm glad I do shit when I really don't feel like it, because right now I feel amazing.

My precious

I just dropped Gus Gus off at the vet. I feel like an asshole. He has to spend the whole day there so he can have his glucose checked throughout the day. I feel like he's going to think his little world is ending.
I have no plans to go anywhere tonight so that I can make sure I can cuddle him and assure him that he now lives with me. This made me realize I need to adopt this little turkey.
I gave myself a little extra time after dropping him off so I could get breakfast. I thought I should be kind to my wallet and my carb count, so I decided to hit McDonald's instead of a sit-down meal. I was very excited about an Egg McMuffin because I rarely get them, and my carb lover's heart cried out, "Ooh, hash brown!" I proceeded to argue with myself: You don't need any damn hash browns. You can have a piece of fruit when you get home. Now, do you want an Egg McMuffin or an Egg White Delight? That's got white cheddar! All surly, my inner Samwise gamgee muttered "po-ta-to."