Insomniarrrgghh

It's really awesome how I turn everything into anxiety.  The wedding should be a fun project but I am busy stressing and trying to process plans and problems at 4am, when things always seem three times worse than they actually are.  Usually it's money or my teeth that I'm stressing about and those are not supposed to be fun projects so it's harder to convince myself to stop.  Why does oral surgery have to be so expensive?

I keep trying to remind myself that students are supposed to be broke and I won't be broke forever.  That leads to the whatifs about getting a job.  I really don't know how to shut up.

In an effort to distract myself, I turn on the TV to a low hum and try to find a crime drama.  Those shows are pretty level with a lot of talking.  We used to have this TV that would only have picture for about twenty seconds- then the picture would go dark but you could hear it fine.  That would be a godsend about now.  The picture is too much light and I'm just trying to listen anyway.  When I was in high school I used to listen to talk radio at night, low enough to where I had to be absolutely still and actively listening in order to hear it.  I could never listen for long because it was difficult to focus that much while laying down in the dark.  Now I rely on the TV because, as we all know, nothing puts we to sleep faster than a movie.

The doctor said there is a link between lack of REM sleep and a craving for carbs.  He said it would be difficult to lose weight that way, lol.  He also didn't like that I'm waking up already in the anxiety- he said that kind of stress is usually reserved for PTSD and wants me to talk to my (what I call my counselor but is really my) psychologist at the VA.  She's supposed to be my stress-as-it-affects-my-diabetes counselor, and he feels sleep problems + carb cravings + weight = problem that needs to be addressed.  I told him about this Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction class I'm about to start and he, like every other person I've told, is very encouraging about it and has heard good things.

The class requires a weekly meeting and one day long retreat, but the part that worries me is the 45-60 minutes of daily practice.  Our schedule is always different but I think if I 1) involve Chris and 2) set an alarm, I'll have a better chance at success.  After that nighttime shot fiasco the other night I swore I'd stop whatever I was doing right away when the alarm went off and I also asked Chris to support my efforts.  Last night my phone was on the charger so I didn't hear it, but Chris did.

"Take your shot!" he yelled.  And so I did.

Our couples counselor has been asking us to work on Mindfulness together anyway, so that might be just great timing.  If he's still busy puttering as we both like to do at 10 at night, will I be able to focus?  Is it possible to focus on anything if Ant is still awake?  Here's where my counselor would tell me to announce that it's my quiet time and no one should bother me for an hour unless the house is on fire.  I imagine I will need a lot of practice to absorb the strategies, so I will have to find the time.  Hopefully it's not at 4 am.