EXACTLY as expected, I made a giant mess while cleaning up for Shannon's visit. What is it, Mom, about my need to make a bigger mess before I can clean it up?
It's okay, though. I have a whole stack to shuttle to the recycle bin, the car, or the thrift store. It will look more manageable after that. I thought I would spend the whole day cleaning, but that wasn't very realistic anyway, so Riley and I took a long walk with Jenea. I meant to start the app on my phone that tracks distance by GPS, but I only remembered when we were almost done. I checked my pedometer when I got home and found that I hadn't put it on today. Dammit!
Oh well, but proof of exercise is important! Confirmation of goals! An opportunity to acknowledge progress! I was just thinking- and have been a lot lately- about how proud I am that I can pay my bills, plus some that don't even belong to me. I could NOT do this with Chris, not consistently, anyway. It was frustrating to be struggling all the time. Part of that was just the nature of his jobs, but my argument for a long time was that I could only budget with a clockwork income, not paychecks delayed by assholes or loans and scholarships doled out once a semester. I still feel bad for him, that he's trying to manage income that's so unpredictable- even though he continues to choose that chaos and yes, even though he chose to end us. I can't help it. I am a mushy, bleeding heart. My sympathy helps no one, and I can't seem to become colder. If anything would make me tougher, this would, don't you think? Don't get mad on my behalf. You'll just make me want to defend him, and nobody wants to hear that. I think the objective is to require a LOT more effort and someone who cherishes me at least as much as my dad does. I can do that and still be the emotional person I am. I think. We'll find out.
Jennyway, I am proud that I can manage my budget without that much money and these extra frigging bills. I am reaching the end of February and the end of the most emotionally devastating six months of my life. The financial clamp is loosening right about now and just as spring begins. It'll be a good time to watch the flowers bloom. I have a big, poufy comforter coming. I am finding thrifty ways to go do new things. I change things around until I like them. And hey, my dog is a graduate.
I'm still cold. I'm still sad. It still hurts. But it's amazing how we think we could never go without... and then we do. Not by choice sometimes, but because we continue to breathe automatically and the rest just follows.
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