Sometimes I wake up in this weird new life and I'm mad that I'm alone.
Yes, I'm aware of how retarded that is. Everyone IS alone, already or eventually, and alone shouldn't have to mean lonely. I know these things, but logic plays little part in emotions. I get mad that I focused so much on the boys- I was set on us caring for each other forever- how could I have ended up alone?
I drove past a billboard for the monster truck show. I got excited at first- I can finally go! But then I wondered who would go with me. This is a show to take the family to. It's fun and silly and completely overdone. I would be a third wheel (Fifth wheel? No, that's a camper thing, right?) and no, I don't want to take Ant. I want to take my family- the one I don't have anymore. Things are separate between Ant and I now. This is a show for families to take their kids to.
Really, now monster trucks are going to make me sad? No... maybe a little melancholy. But then I find myself baking banana bread in my little kitchen. I am not annoyed by the lack of counter space. I am smelling smooshed ripe bananas and vanilla. I am finding all my measuring spoons where they are supposed to be. Things belong where I decide they do, and it all makes perfect sense to me. There is no need to compromise.
I listen to exactly the music I want, changing the cd out in the middle of a song when the impulse strikes. I watch the movies not as they come in, but in a shuffled order as my instinct suggests. Sometimes I think there will be a movie night when there is not. Sometimes I don't listen and watch the wrong movie. When I get it right, there is a message or some truth I find that buoys me for days. It's quiet enough here that I can listen.
I am impatient to find a duvet cover so I can curl up in my soft, comfy bed under a poufy, warm, pretty comforter. I bought a new (slightly mangled on clearance) anti-fatigue rug for my kitchen that is larger and less of a trip hazard. It is printed to look woven in reds and oranges.
I found pretty little cat bowls at the thrift store and a soft, fuzzy, antimicrobial dog bed on clearance. I bought pretty little earrings at Claire's.
My bills are paid. I am building up savings and paying down my credit cards. I am not living above my means.
I am alone and smelling banana bread. My refrigerator is the only noise and I like it. I'm good.
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