Every time I have one of these dreams of reconciliation attempts, I wake up feeling sick and shaken. The dreams reflect what I understand awake or asleep: the fiction of the fix as Fiona says. I suppose these dreams are just grief, reinforcement, and necessary, but they suck and it's hard to wake up wondering why- if I understand this- do I have to keep having them. Maybe for a lot of reasons, one of which is that this would be ten years right around here, and that is a long time. I need this grief and reinforcement.
I wake up and I am safe: not being lied to, not sitting next to someone and feeling like I might as well be miles away, not having people I don't know traipse through my house as if they live there. But sometimes I miss the noise, the chaos, and the fun it could bring. I love my quiet, my peace, and being able to have my place look nice and put together, but I dislike the loneliness. That will likely not be forever, I know, but as with everything, there is good and bad, but there is also better, and this is better.
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