The movies don't always come in the exact right order, but I tweak them by instinct or urges and what do you know- suddenly I've got messages from the Universe.
Of course, We Are Marshall is a pretty inspiring movie, but most of the movies tend to have relevance even in some small way. What I liked about this movie was not just that it's a true story, but the little profiles on great coaches. I have been reading Lincoln on Leadership for the apprentice class, and I get confirmation or reinforcement about the things I've read in many places I look lately. That's nice.
So from this little coaching feature I took much motivation (Well, they wouldn't be great coaches otherwise, right?) and stole two tidbits. I am going to be a self-help/new age fruit loop with these sayings taped up all over my apartment. The latest two are:
Present
Positive
Process
The first is to be present- it doesn't matter how you got here. The second is sometimes more than just a bit of a struggle. The last part is to trust the process, and the coach said that's what he loved about athletics- there is just no way to rush that.
I thought about what Tracy said- that I need to have patience. And 10- just go.
The other tidbit is Love & Balance, and I think that's clear enough.
This has been a difficult week for two reasons. One is that my blood sugar has been going crazy and there were lots of phone calls and visits to the VA, not to mention that total restructuring of my shots- such a basic block in my tower- just how far down am I going in this remodel? The other problem this week has been the same damn problem that you all are getting tired of hearing about. Don't worry that I am stuck- I'm not. I'm just catching up. I will change my view and justification for everything I have done many times, I'm sure.
I keep having these dreams and yes, they are awful. But it's not a question of avoiding them- I am just processing the horrible truth that the words I believed never could line up with the actions.
And speaking of relevant movies, Frankenweenie. It really was cute, and I could never say that I didn't enjoy a Tim Burton movie, but I get seriously annoyed that so many kid's movies seem to want to teach kids that things that die can always come back. I'm pretty sure that this relationship I had died a bloody, miserable, and permanent death, because even at the beginning of the breakup when he was doing all his waffling and pulling my heart apart, I knew that the only way for us to continue would be to live on a desert island with NOBODY else around. Ever. No disapproval, no roving skanks, no one invited to freely wander through our home and our lives, not even Ant- because Chris always had to be the fun friend parent and make me look like the constant asshole and/or stick in the mud. How likely or even enjoyable does that sound? Not very much, but when he came back from picking Ant up from the worst trouble at school ever and said to me, "I can't do this alone..." I have never felt so torn. Yes, even though it had nothing to do with me.
Frankenweenie should have stayed dead. It's utterly devastating, but death is better than continually losing and regaining what you love, never knowing if it's back for sure and always knowing that the potential for loss is there and has likely already happened... again. That's a mad, death yo-yo.
And I am enjoying my peace, which stretches out farther all the time. But there is still grief. It's a good thing that I am alone so much because it gives me time to do this.
So now I will close down the evening. Riley is waiting for me to hide some treats among the furniture for her to find. Solo is waiting to play with her fishing lure or laser pointer. I will listen to Book Radio and no matter what I dream of, I will trust the process.
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